Pulling life back together

[MichaelHung]

Hey everyone,

So I'm making it a goal to slowly pull my life back together this week (I've made small, more manageable goals for myself to break it down). Would any of you guys like to join my attempt? Of course it won't be perfect, but putting in the effort to combat depression and getting into the swing of living life is the main point. Any takers?

Michael

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello MichaelHung, welcome to our little forum.

I will be a taker to your offer! I am needing so much sleep in the depression I am in, I have to structure my life carefully, and other ways I have of managing my mood that are kind of like time-wasting I have to be very, very careful about.

What techniques do you use to navigate the day?

All the best, cheers!

[MichaelHung]

Dear Manuel_moe_g,

Yes! I'm glad to hear that you are on board! I started today by planning out a schedule for myself in my calendar. I sectioned off different hours for different activities to keep me organized and motivated. This helped me at least get out of bed and feel like I had a "purpose." I also went to the grocery store and bought healthier foods because I have had a horrible diet the past few months and have been neglecting my physical health. I do feel a little more energized, I just have to make sure not to feel too overwhelmed at trying to "make up for lost time" when I was stuck in a deep depression. I think the baby steps help. I am also practicing on trying to be nicer to myself and allowing myself not to complete everything or be "perfect."

What about you? What sort of things are you gojng to try to help decrease the depressive symptoms? Keep me posted, I think it will be nice to help motivate each other. I'm wishing you the best of luck.

Michael

[manuel_moe_g]

My therapist helped me with my terror at imagining a positive future. I have a deep-seated idea that if I imagine a positive future, I will be punished for it. I am just starting to play with the idea of really being positive about the future, even if I cannot imagine all the steps leading up to that positive future - some parts of my positive future being from undeserved grace from the universe.

If A-B-C-D-...-X-Y-Z are the steps from my present situation "A" and my dream situation "Z" - dare to dream about "Z" and realize I have many techniques to move from "A" to "B", from "B" to "C", etc

some of the step will come about from undeserved grace from the universe

the proper dreams "Z" should involve other people's success and fulfillment too, stay away from purely selfish dreams - this makes the universe more likely to help

and if I don't get to "Z", the universe will provide a "Z2" as an even better replacement

the main thing is work on "A" -> "B", which I know how to do!

[manuel_moe_g]

two days ago, was feeling so hopeless in so much pain that was contemplating suicide. my wrists and ankles hurt terribly, and I needed 16 hours of sleep and still felt tired after all that sleep, and I was horrified by how bad my eczema had become, and how fat I was and how huge my fat belly was. I felt a deep hopelessness.

I am in a much better place now - so what happened? How can I reconstruct the recovery?

First, let me talk about something that came up in weekly therapy.

[a] Afraid; Tired; [c] Hopeless; [d] Perfectionist; [e] Judgmental

now the opposites

[A] Fearless; Energized; [C] Hopeful; [D] Open to undeserved grace; [E] Understanding

Play with bouncing between the two, exaggerating the two, flipping the two, seeing how much of it is just a state of mind under control of self

also, when I want to shout hatred at myself, I instead use it as a clue that I need to slow things down and attempt a course corrections, instead of yelling at myself or hating myself.

I think part of my rebound was giving myself permission to sleep. I feel ashamed how much sleep I need, but now is not the time to try to have a conventional sleep schedule.

[MichaelHung]

I am happy to hear that you are doing better and sorry to hear that you found yourself contemplating suicide. I have actually relapsed pretty hard in my depression today and have also had fleeting thoughts of suicide again as well.

I think you are right to allow yourself time to recover. I know for me, I'm always pushing hard for a quick "fix" and giving myself crap for being depressed. I feel like I am wasting time while depressed and try so hard to play catch up...which exacerbates things and makes me more depressed/anxious. I think this is a process and we should allow ourselves time to heal.

You are not alone buddy. Depression can be so very hard to manage...living with it my whole life, I worry because it doesn't get easier. I always feel like a completely different person when I am in the midst of depression.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks for the encouragement, MichaelHung!

Sorry to hear you got hit by depression too.

I recovered from my episode, and I am feeling good that used my techniques to pull out of in 1 day. That makes me feel good. I also got some recreational computer programming done, which is a good sign for my mood and my feeling of capability.

I found this: "Does Self-Punishment Lead To Further Willpower Failure?" http://www.samuelthomasdavies.com/2014/ ... rther.html

It gave me the courage to be more forgiving and compassionate to myself.

Some notes from my diary and therapy sessions:

Interrupt non-effective behavior in more self-compassionate way - find the inner child voice that thinks it "needs" the non-effective behavior, and ask that inner child for permission to do a more productive behavior that hurts more in the short term and will pay dividends in the long run.

Some panic that I have more open loops than I can possibly complete in my life, but realize that being open to undeserved grace means I am not doomed and that I can still have a fulfilling life.

I realized that when I was a child I was surrounded by adults that spoke about my high potential. So when it seemed that my life results were not extraordinary, I felt that meant I was wasting my high potential by being lazy and unmotivated and that meant I was a bad person. This has been a pattern through my whole life.