Thriving with my cat in my comfort zone

[Ipsis]

Hey, kjgear! Thank you so very much for your e-hug, I loved it and I was just feeling sssooooooooooo down... You definitely made my day!
Yes, that site you mentioned about AvPD is wonderful, i could relate to most of the stories. Currently I've been reading (or at leas trying to) Distancing: Avoidant Personality Disorder, by Dr. Martin Kantor (http://www.amazon.com/Distancing-Avoida ... 027597829X). Not an easy read, it's a slap in the face and for me very very revealing (in a terrifying way). Please tell me more about you! And a huge e-hug back to you!

[kjgear]

Hey Ipsis, I'm glad I could make your day. *warm fuzzy*
Tell more about me? Ahhh... I guess I would classify myself as a (somewhat) functional avoider. I have no problem holding down a job, having a family, (a few) friends and generally live the normal life of a slightly reclusive fella. I am also reading a book by Kantor: The Essential Guide to Overcoming AvPD (someone recommended it on this forum:http://www.psychforums.com/avoidant-personality/). I suppose I'd fall under the type 2c "avoidant" (I perfer "avoider" ) which is the co-dependent type. As I said in my first post, I always knew I had a strong tendency to avoid certain people and situations. But when I googled "AvPD" after you mentioned it, I came to see that I was not alone in my avoider experience. While we are not all the same, as Kantor's books point out, avoiders do share many common traits.

I gotta run, but I'm sending good vibes your way: *goods vibrations*

[Ipsis]

Hi, kjgear! I think I relate more to what Kantor defines as Type II, the ambivalent type. I always remember what George Carlin said: ""You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there."
I feel I'm constantly walking on the razor's edge, sometimes I'm pretty happy with my reclusive life, sometimes it worries me to be such an hermit.
Thanks a lot for your good vibes!
Please keep writing and sharing what you find out. I love your posts!

[kjgear]

October was not the best of months for me, in terms of bettering myself, at least.
Lots of anger over stupid shit. Eating unhealthy food. And, of course, avoiding like the champion avoider I am.
But November has started off pretty okay and, I have a good feeling that, December is going to be a good month.

About the razor's edge, I know what you mean. It can be hard to figure out what is normal for you. I mean, there is no escaping that humans are social animals and avoiding is not "normal." But, like you, I'm pretty happy when I'm alone. I'm almost 40 and I don't remember a time when I wasn't an avoider (to some extent). It's just "normal" for me now.

If you don't mind me asking, you say "it worries me to be such an hermit," how much of a hermit are you?

[manuel_moe_g]

But November has started off pretty okay and, I have a good feeling that, December is going to be a good month.

That is great! Months that go well is such a pleasure and a relief. Keep up the great work!

[dare i say it]

I hate exsplaning it for what it makes me sound like

I know that feeling all too well. I say go a ahead and put it out there anyway. As long is it's a genuine feeling that you're having, go for it. Later on you can clarify or qualify what you said, if you wish.

[Moon Unit]

Hi! It is a good thing that you are here! I just joined recently as well and it has been a big help just knowing all of these people are out there. Much of what you said makes sense to me and I hope that you find a little peace in knowing that there are others who understand and who are more than willing to listen, share and converse when needed.

[psychofarm]

You are not alone Ipsis, though I've always been told I had Social Anxiety Disorder (which if they are considered unique disorders I suppose they are at least subsets or variant expressions of basically the same thing. In fact it took me awhile to find related threads as SAD doesn't appear to get any mention here...but I digress that's irrelevant). Forgive me, as this is a sort of combined response to your thread with an introduction to myself, I hope I'm not hijacking anything.

I'm writing this now in a somewhat dark place. I'm 34, male, single, and always have been. The loneliness can be quite heavy during these times, pressing down on me, sapping me of all my strength, motivation, and self-esteem. The older I get, the worse it seems to get. Having just observed a birthday (notice I said "observe", I tend not to celebrate my birthdays anymore), this arbitrary measurement of time always makes me take stock of everything I've missed out on, and how much harder it will be to ever have a relationship with anyone close to my age. But at the same time I'm able to live on my own, and somehow even hold a management position with my employer (I shake my head in dis-belief every day at this). I feel awkward in this position, a fraud most of the time really, and half expect to lose it at any time.

My disorder manifests primarily with the opposite sex, though I certainly have issues with my own gender, especially with: figures of authority, superiors at work, people I look up to, or anyone I perceive as intimidating or somehow threatening, which for me seems to be somewhat random; i.e. there are certain people I decide in my mind are intimidating but not for any single trait or characteristic I can put my finger on (this isn't a rational disorder of course, like any mental illness). The "avoidance" part certainly fits me. I can't count the number of times I've made up bullshit excuses to not attend a party or gathering, or even worked up the energy and courage to go, only to wait outside in my car, looking at the crowd of people through the window, and then leaving in a panic. Or, I may even get myself inside, only to leave in a hurry without saying good-by to my friends when one of those "intimidating" people or group arrives, whom I can't face for fear of making a fool of myself. And the longer the history of avoidance I've had with that particular person or click of people, of course the worse that anxiety is.

Unlike you I've struggled with substance abuse periodically (my brain just LOVES drugs), and I've pushed my poor brain (and body) to its limits more than once. As a teenager I escaped with pot, which of course most people I think would agree tends to aggravate social anxiety. So really I guess I'm not sure how much of my condition is self-imposed through abusing this drug, is genetic, learned behavior, or all of the above. Thankfully I stuck to this relatively benign drug for most of my impulsive youth, or I probably wouldn't be here at all. Later on I transitioned to the harder stuff, especially drugs that gave me temporary relief from this paralyzing, frustrating, and painful condition (ecstasy, cocaine, benzos, yum-yum). I'm sober for the most part now, and try to stay away from pot completely, though I still fuck up and sabotage myself from time to time. Anti-depressants have never worked for me however, so I'm currently experimenting with meditation, and may seek hypnotherapy in the near future.

All that being said, there are a handful of people I am comfortable with, and can even hold a conversation with, and if not for those people I don't know where I would be right now. This give me a small glimmer of hope, fleeting as it may be. Some days are better than others, and I'm optimistic about the future, if but for brief moments.

You just have to hold on to those moments I guess, and trust it will get better.

[manuel_moe_g]

The "avoidance" part certainly fits me. I can't count the number of times I've made up bullshit excuses to not attend a party or gathering, or even worked up the energy and courage to go, only to wait outside in my car, looking at the crowd of people through the window, and then leaving in a panic. Or, I may even get myself inside, only to leave in a hurry without saying good-by to my friends when one of those "intimidating" people or group arrives, whom I can't face for fear of making a fool of myself.

Wow, this describes me perfectly. Where I have made progress is letting myself possibly be laughed at as a clown, giving myself permission to be laughed at as a clown. Of course, it rarely happens that I get laughed at as a clown (anyplace where that would happen is a dysfunctional place that doesn't deserve my presence anyway), but if it does happen I have already made peace with it. My avoidance is with any female that I am attracted too, it is just so intense, my head reflexively shoots down to the floor or the left or right. I can calm myself down if I just tell myself to simply let her know I find her attractive and that I just wish her to know that somebody appreciates her, and that I am just briefly "giving" her something nice and friendly and I am not expecting anything in return, just pushing some friendly nice energy into the world as a pure gift, expecting nothing back.

I was completely without dating and relationships until I was 25, and it has been a hard slog for the last 16 years, even though I am in a serious relationship and have been for the last 10 years. Everything is trading one set of problems for another set of problems - hopefully problems of a higher quality, but problems nonetheless. The only thing that made me start working on my dating anxiety was a suicidal breakdown at the age of 25 because I loathed myself so much because I was so pathetic at dating and romance - I don't recommend that route, it is too dangerous, it is freeing to have your ego crushed so that you let go of the parts of your ego that keep you from getting help and being vulnerable, but if you lose the part of your ego that makes you want to preserve your life, you could die.

Please forgive me if I am not properly honoring your pain, I can just speak from my own autobiography. All the best, we are all cheering for you and your fulfilling your best future.

[dare i say it]

Farm, welcome to the forum. I'm not 100% sure if Ipsis still checks this site, but I can say without hesitation that there are people here who can relate to the struggles you are describing. Manuel_moe_g and I can definitely understand the pain you're going through. My real name is Dan. I'll turn 34 in a couple of months. I have awful social anxiety. Only recently have I started to give this problem the attention it deserves, and thus it has been a drain on many areas of my life. I dated a girl for a little over a year in college. At times it was the greatest feeling in the world, but the vulnerability and the heartache were really, really hard for me to deal with. Other than that, dating for me has been difficult, and spectacularly unsuccessful.

I think you should be commended for the areas of your life that you've been able to maintain despite all the inner battles you mentioned. I find it extraordinary that you are able to manage other people at your job through all of this. Bravo!

Paul does a really good job of reaching out to people and setting a tone of acceptance and support. Because this forum is online, and therefore anonymous, if you're looking for people who can support you in your battle with social anxiety, I think you've just hit the mother lode! It feels like this is a small, but growing community of really good people. I hope that you will get as much out of it as I have.