Old, useless, filled with hate

[Arkay]

It is my birthday today and I cannot stop crying. I am in a new age bracket, I am not a young person anymore, and I feel like a failure. I interviewed for a Dream Job on Monday. It would have been a perfect integration of the kind of work I had always dreamed of doing and the kind of life I want to live. It would have been the culmination of all the years of my adult working life. It would have meant me finally reaching a goal I set for myself. I got the rejection letter on Thursday. "There was a large pool of highly talented candidates". But there is always - ALWAYS - someone more talented than me. I was at work when I got it, and there wasn't anywhere for me to go to cry. I had to sit in my car in the parking lot with people walking by as I wailed and keened for my broken dream. I hate everything at times like this. I hate myself for not ever being the right person for the job. I hate my college for not adequately preparing me for this cruel competitive world. I hate the government agency that I gave 6 years of my life to and all it was ever going to be was a dead-end. I hate my stupid Master's degree that is in the wrong field, rendering me ineligible for the work I really want to do. I hate the entire scientific field I have always wanted to dedicate my life to because it just feels like an exclusive club that will never accept me. I hate the job I am now because I was forced into it by default and it is soul-crushingly boring. I even hate everyone who gives me solutions or words of optimism at this point. I am so tired of fighting to prove myself worthy of the work I want to do. I was raised in a world that promised me wonderful opportunity if I got educated, worked hard, and paid my dues. I was raised in a family that promised me I could do anything I wanted. This promise is a lie. We live in a world of law of attraction believers and Ted talks that tell you to follow your heart and do what you love and things will work out (I hate those people too). This is a lie. You only hear from people for whom this actually worked. It did not work for me. Now I am middle-aged, with job experience that is getting stale really fast, and another rejection letter for the pile. I cannot find hope today. It will only get harder and I am only going to get more useless.

[manuel_moe_g]

I hear you. Recently I embraced failure and an objective view of my capabilities and energy level. I am basing my live on starting from what I can do without needing the sanctioning approval from others. Please take care, you are tender and you god-damn deserve better than what you got and you owe it to yourself to properly mourn what was promised and never delivered.

[Arkay]

Thank you very much for this reply. I am thinking about different ways to frame my struggle and am doing better today.