Hello from the Sierras

[Cornflake Girl]

Hi. I have been listening to the podcast for a few years and have listened to some episodes a few times. I absolutely love it. I am a 45 year old woman with bi-polar type 2, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a smattering of BPD symptoms. I have 2 grown children who left the nest 4 years ago. I am struggling with finding my identity since my old title of Full-Time Mama no longer applies. I am in therapy and take Seroquel XR and also the fast-acting ones for anxiety attacks, Lamictal, and occasionally Ambien. I hope that I will be consistent here in this forum. Being consistent has always been a big issue for me. So, here's to over-coming that <(:)

CG

[brave-girl-living]

Welcome! Glad you decided to join us!!

[Cornflake Girl]

9 views? 9. The person who posted 2 above me has over 300. How lame am I that I feel disregarded, ignored, and abandoned by my fellow humans because I have only 9 views? To paraphrase Paul, I am getting forum-fucked, haha. I know that it's not a popularity contest, yet I feel like I am in high school and am some loser hiding in the bathroom stall to eat lunch because I am that insecure. (I'm keeping myself from editing that last sentence. God.)

My fiance is going to be helping unload and load equipment for Kansas tonight (badass, right?) and I know it's going to be a loooong day/night. We have to commute to get there and it's too far, I guess, to commute there, back, there, and back, so I will be stuck there without a home base for 8 hours before the show and 2 hours, at least, after. All because of a stupid driving anxiety. I haven't been able to drive out of town for about 4 years so I am at the mercy of whoever is driving. I don't know how or if I will survive that amount of time without any place to go that I can relax and not have to be "on". I picture a very crabby Cornflake Girl. So, long day and so naturally, I can't stay asleep.

I don't know that this was the right thread for my comment but I feel better for having posted. Good morning, all (or goodnight),
CG

[Cornflake Girl]

Also, thank you for the kind welcome brave-girl-living.

[Mr.Chimney]

Hello! I'm not exactly an old timer here but welcome to the forum! It takes a while for people from all over the place - what more, injured people who tend to spend a lot of time in their own particular version of miserable headspace - to be able to visit and keep up. I try to get here to welcome people but it can be hard to do because I can be timid about these sorts of things - I'm sure Im not alone in that sentiment. I love your handle!

I wish I could offer advice regarding the meds. Seeking mental help is discouraged in my family so after my time with child psychiatric folks all I have had access to is a scary Christian dude to talk to. Where did the nest of kids empty out to? University, joining the labour market, getting into the experimental chainsaw dentistry industry...? I hope that you can have a positive relationship with them while they live away from home. I am the "leaver" of my mother's nest; I moved about 600 miles away to try for a clean break with my childhood and discovered that I need about 3400 more to feel at ease. Knowing how much you struggle with that I can say at least from the leaver's perspective that the parent-child relationship strengthens with distance. The quotidian stuff is really hard, so says my Mother, but the opportunities to talk and grab tea become much more meaningful and the conversations you can have become much more candid. I'm obviously not your kids but I do know as someone in that category of people that there can still be so much love even from so far away.

Sending you a big hug. And some Corn Flakes. There was a scene in the cartoon Street Fighter where Sagat offers some kid the opportunity to be his "mascot" and then offers him some Corn Flakes. I was watching American television after having fidgeted with the antenna and making it face Toledo when that episode happened and I have thought of Corn Flakes in the context of Street Fighter ever since.

[mclovin27]

hi cornflake girl

I'm new also and can relate about finding your identity. My 8 year relationship with my bf is pretty much ending. slowly and painfully, and it makes me realize that i'm going to be out on my own here soon and i've never been on my own. I'm 29, i moved out of my mom's house to get a house with my bf when i was 22, we were together a year before that, so i've never been by myself and able to know who i really was. I'm very good at adapting other peoples personality traits (that's a whole thing in itself) so i'm not sure what's really me and what's really his influence coming out in me. but when he's not around anymore, i won't have anything to 'copy' and i'll have to come up with all of my own mannerisms and things like that, and it's frightening because i'm not sure who i am. i think that i'm about to be forced to enter into some overwhelming changes in my life that i'm not ready to deal with and can just see what you meant by that.

hope we both find some comfort here

[Cornflake Girl]

Thanks, you two. One child is super close to me both in distance and in our relationship. In fact when I decided to leave my SO, I rented a room from her in order to transition to independence. My daughter is working and taking classes. She is so much more together than I was at 22.
My son is only 4 hours away and is rising up the chef ranks which is super exciting. I recently went to his current restaurant and was very impressed with his skill....oh, they make the best braised Brussels sprouts with pecans and maple....they melt in my mouth. Nom Nom. Our relationship has slowly gotten better since I got sober but there's still more distance than I'd like. I don't blame him for wanting the distance, though. He always comes back to me.
Thanks, Mr. Chimney for reminding me that it's hard for everyone to check in and be consistent. I'm so insecure sometimes and I tend to forget that we are all -most of us- struggling with feelings of inadequacy. Btw, my handle is the name of a Tori Amos song, lol, but I love your story, too
CG

[Cornflake Girl]

McClovin, or is that McLovin?, thanks for sharing your situation with me. I empathize with your transition. God, do I empathize. I believe that with work, and by treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, we will find ourselves. It's super scary for me as well. Hang in there ♡♡

[Mr.Chimney]

So you know, the video which your handle conjures in my mind. I...I really hope I don't get judged for remembering this crap: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPejenCUnZA

You have a chef to visit? Man, I let my parents down. All they get when they come to see me is an excruciating tour of my bookshelf (they bring it on themselves as conversation fodder. I know they don't care but I'll talk to fill the silence) and restaurant recommendations which are inevitably overruled for Tim Fucking Horton's. We cooked for them once and they seemed to enjoy it. However, since it contained both bacon and butter my parents declared it a health risk and we have not been able to cook again while at their house. Because as we all know a single serving of less-than-ideal food will ruin your life. But hey - they come like once a year, so it's still nice to have them come and see what I do. The distance makes all of the fixings of a catastrophe work somehow. Magic is my guess.

It's the hardest thing in the world and I'm as bad for it as the next guy but assuming positive intentions lie at the core of how most people work with you really makes things easier. My hometown friends and I have a rule called Nojones (due to a lack of Jone's Soda, a substance we all thought was overpriced. Long and stupid story) which states that we all have to assume that everyone in the group is trying to do their best by us. The stress this relieves on those relationships is essential to making our gatherings drunken, chaotic success stories. We ate a sushi place out of salmon one year. Truly a stunning achievement.

My cousin loves Tori! She follows her on tours through New England and always has a blast doing it.

[Cornflake Girl]

LOL. Thanks for brightening my evening.
I'm not sure how a tour of bookshelves could possibly be boring (unless they're filled with manuals or legal code).
G'night (here in the states, anyway.)

CG