Weary's Diary

[weary]

My wife belongs in a psych ward, of her own admission. Or she is going to drive me to one. It doesn't matter how well I do trying to manage my own stress. She had a enormous meltdown yesterday, the denoument of a long/day week with little sleep, an oral presentation for a class that she loathes with a professor that she has an irrational and scary loathing for. I spent hours last night trying to comfort a basically suicidal person who feels like she is completely worthless and has nothing to offer the world, who doesn't believe in herself and has immense self-loathing and self-hatred. And it is scary. Because I love her and I am afraid for her and of her when she gets like that. And somehow I am supposed to stand up for my own feelings and somehow get her to understand the ways in which her behavior is unacceptable to me and hurts me... except I am trying to protect her from herself. How can I assert my feelings when that will just be kicking her when she's down? Incidents like last night scare me because I think if I were to leave her she would kill herself or kill me or both.

This was triggered by a deepening struggle in getting her papers and other work done for courses to finish off her second bachelors degree (20 years after she graduated college the first time)... set off by many, many sleepless nights building up to an oral presentation yesterday morning, and the spark that caused her to implode/explode was a snide comment made by her asshole professor on the way out of the class that she took to mean that he thought that she was a joke, that her whole life was a joke (which I'm sure he didn't mean by that). It is hell dealing with her when she is like this. And she knows it. She is constantly apologizing when she gets like this, but most of all she says she doesn't want to be like this anymore and she'd rather be dead than to be like this. And she had an hour with her therapist yesterday, too! I can't imagine how bad it would be if she hadn't!

Meantime, I am still struggling with the pain of career failure and the fear of what is to come as far as salvaging or redefining my career prospects, and the disappointment of maybe having to give up everything that I ever wanted in life. I am trying to take care of myself physically and mentally. I can feel better for some time when I am exercising, doing yoga, umpiring a baseball game, playing my guitar, or playing video games, and I have been trying to do those enough to maintain some degree of sanity. I have not been doing as well with authentic human contact, though. I have been talking to a few friends about some issues (mainly the work stuff), but I can feel myself shutting down about all of the painful feelings and the marital conflict because it hurts too much. I had a rather explosive appointment with my therapist on Tuesday in which I vented some of that with crying and yelling but it doesn't fix anything in the end, and it is three weeks until my next appointment. I am feeling OK at the moment all things considered, because my brain is already starting to blur out the intense discomfort of the interactions with my wife last night, and she seemed a little more normal this morning after getting some sleep. She still has more work to do before the end of the semester plus some extensions going beyond the end of the semester, so I know that I'm not out of the woods unless she just gives up and quits, which she was threatening to do last night. I don't know how much more of this I can take. And what else is coming next.

[manuel_moe_g]

I hear you, weary. Glad you are taking steps to care for yourself. My wife went for a MBA, which led to her dumping stress onto me, nothing compared to what you are going through. Please take care, you deserve it, you are a good person.

[weary]

Many things going on over the past few weeks. I've been feeling OK a lot of the time, partly because I have been trying to focus on doing things that are positive and/or paying more attention to the good stuff than the bad. Of course, sometimes that means that I am shoving down the anger, hurt and disappointment and avoiding conflict and avoiding dealing with problems. I have been in major shutdown/avoidance mode for a while and that is why I have been quiet on here as well as in real life. It's felt good but it is also unsustainable because the bad feelings and the bad situations are not going to magically go away, and avoidance only lasts until there is an eruption somewhere that I can no longer ignore.

I feel relatively calm and peaceful at the moment, though exhausted. If I start to think about the problems with my marriage and my career, I get anxious and depressed so I am just trying not to think about them for a while. It helps when my wife is not freaking out. She is down to 1-2 meltdowns a week give or take. There hasn't been one since last Saturday. My standards have sunk so low... her behavior is still a mess, but I have somehow gotten to the point where I am simply relieved whenever she is not raging or so depressed that she is threatening suicide or "disappearing".

I have been working out a lot, going to yoga, playing guitar and videogames to unwind. I am trying to figure out how to reconnect with my wife or just figure out that I don't want to live like this any more and take steps to end it... but trying to figure that out stirs up all of the feelings that I am trying to shove down, so I don't get very far that way. It is exhausting to feel like everything in your life is up in the air and you don't know what to do about it. I am enjoying somewhat the approach of just trying to live life in the meantime, but I am afraid it is going to come back and bite me in the ass soon if I don't figure out what to do about these feelings and how to solve or at least approach these problems.

I guess this isn't as much a diary as an update.

[weary]

A few things that have happened in my life over the past few weeks, in no particular order:

1. The academic year ended on a decently high note. My first Ph.D. student graduated and I got to go up on stage in my fancy robes and hood him. That is a big accomplishment, to mentor a student all the way through their doctoral degree. I'm proud of him (and me). It was a long slog. It is bittersweet because he is going to head off to bigger and better things. He was offered two postdoctoral positions and ended up taking one at an Ivy League school. Makes me feel good, though juxtaposing it against my denial of tenure is pretty weird, given than my colleagues are not placing their research students in jobs like that. But whatever.

2. I also got a few nice notes and thank you cards from undergraduates in my classes or who were my advisees, and many of them were clamoring to have pictures taken with me after the graduation ceremony (I felt a little like the characters at Disney World for a little while).

3. I am teaching an intensive six-week summer class, which has my day starting really early (two hour lectures every morning starting at 8 am - yay!). But it's a little more money and gets me into work. Once that wraps up, since I won't be getting paid for the rest of the summer, I am finally this year planning on taking a little time off work. Of course, being home is torture, so I don't really know what to do yet. We should go on a trip, but honestly I have grown to hate traveling with my wife.

4. My wife is still a mess. Even though the semester ended three weeks ago, she is still struggling to finish papers that she got extensions on. Basically, she has trouble seeing things through until the end, and she manages to not take care of herself and be a responsible adult at the same time. Over the past 10 days, there have been maybe three in which she has actually slept at night vs. staying up all night and sleeping all day. She has been in an OK mood more of the time over the past week, with the exception of a big meltdown on Saturday. I should write about that but I don't even know how to. I wish that she and I could talk about things like calm, rational adults about difficult and sensitive issues, but the anger, fear and depression boil over and it ends up being a mess every single time. And her response is to push, wear her feelings on her sleeve all the time and get fucking upset, and mine is to avoid, to shut down, to hide my feelings.

We were watching an episode of New Girl on Hulu the other night and two of the characters were having a fight and the woman said "if I was honest with you all the time we would never stop fighting!" And that's how I feel. I get slammed for not being emotionally open and connecting and being honest about my feelings, but the things that I feel upset her, make her sad, make her angry. And they upset me too.

[manuel_moe_g]

weary is a good guy. sometimes weary treats himself like the good guy he is.

[weary]

Really, really frustrated and angry and depressed.

I have had a lot happen in the past few months, and at the same time had nothing happen. I am shutting down. Not talking to friends, not posting on here. Just avoiding. I am so frustrated and angry. I don't know how to fix my career. I don't know how much more I can take of my marriage. I am sick of so many things. There are so many things that I can't tolerate anymore but there's nothing that I can do about them. My wife is really fucked up. I mean scary fucked up. I will never have anything resembling a normal life or a fair and stable marriage with her. But I can't divorce her because she is so fucked up I don't know what would happen. She would die. Or kill me. And I don't want to leave. I love her. I want the woman I love to be better. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt anymore. I hurt so fucking much. I don't know what I have to look forward to anymore. I might need to find a new job in a new city this year. I have nothing that I can count on. Nobody I can depend on, or even lean on in a meaningful way.

Ironically, my wife and I have been having fun a lot lately. Going to concerts, watching movies, or just goofing around. The fun we can do. But anything serious and it all falls apart. I am so fucking angry right now about so many things and I feel like i am going to cry. I'm sick of her anxiety. I'm sick of her anger. I'm sick of her self sabotage and her inability to take responsibility and act like an adult. I sick of her medications and the ways that they have fucked with our marriage, and the mess of dozens and dozens of empty prescription bottles. I am sick of picking up after her, or cleaning up car vomit, of feeling like my life is going to end without anything feeling ok and anything matters. I am so hurt and so scared and so lonely and so sad and so frustrated.

But I'm an asshole if I get mad. I would be an asshole if I divorced her. She can get mad all she wants, unit if I get mad when she is throwing a tantrum, then all of a sudden it is about my anger and why I can't let her feel what she feels and let her be herself. It's bullshit. I'm sick of her shit. She's a fucking crazy person. I'm screwed no matter what I do. The summer is half over. We're not going to be able to go on vacation because she can't get her shit together. It is one imaginary crisis after another. I can't even begin to describe it, it's just fucking insane. Things have gotten so far out of control and nobody could possibly understand. I don't think my therapist really gets it. I'm sure her therapist doesn't.

I have had some good things happen lately and had some time off of work. But none of it matters because all of the stupid crazy shit just negates it. I have nothing to look forward to. Ever. The bad shit is just going to keep coming no matter what until the day I die and nothing that I do can make a difference.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, weary, I read your post about the pain you are going through now.

[TinaMarie1234]

So sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Keep in mind that as much as we love or care for our spouses (or parents or siblings), that it is up to them to get better. It's also up to us to know when we've had enough. Please think about how far down the it hole you've gone trying to hang in there for her - for the love you have for her. It sounds way farther down than you probably ever thought you would go for someone. It sounds like it's time for marriage counseling, maybe just so you can tell her that you cannot do this anymore - so that you have a moderator to give you your say and your anger, should you need to vent and that you have a place to say it's over.

Also, it seems like while the career issues are hard, the more dire situation is with your wife. Once you can move forward with that, then you can focus on changes at work.

Good luck - I'm pulling for you.

[weary]

Seriously losing my shit today. I keep trying to articulate how fucking depressed and worried and angry I am to my wife about her behavior and our relationship and so many things in my life, and I keep being a fucking coward about it because it always makes it worse, and I fall apart under her anger and defensiveness or her victimhood or her helplessness. I got sucked into an emotional maelstrom this morning that was completely unnecessary. She offered to help me with something that I didn't even ask for help with and only reluctantly accepted her offer for, but then she screwed up and didn't come through, and even though I was OK with it (because I planned on doing it without her help int he first place) she was fucking angry at herself and then it turned into a whole thing about me not trusting her and being resentful that I can't depend on her... I felt so fucking crazy afterwards. I feel like I'm losing my mind when we fight because nothing makes any sense. On one hand, if I don't ask her to do something than I'm not allowed to resent her for not doing it... but if I ask her and she won't do it I'm nos allowed to be angry or disappointed.... but it's OK for her to overreact to things. The bottom line is that she wants to remain incompetent and have no responsibilities or accountability for it. She wants to be able to do whatever she wants when she wants and not have consequences. She wants to cry victim whenever anyone is angry or disappointed in her and accuse and threaten them of abandoning her or not accepting or loving her. She lets me down constantly and makes poor decisions and then gets angry when I feel bad or adjust my behavior based on that. I'm supposed to not have high expectations from her but simultaneously not judge her or give up on her.

I was just angry and sobbing uncontrollably and just sitting in a lump for about four hours this morning after the fight (after which she took her fucking medication and went back to sleep). I don't understand what to do about anything. She acts like I'm being so unfair to her, but she is being incredibly unfair to me. Because she has a sleep disorder and depression and anxiety and she struggles with a lot of things, she wants sympathy, empathy and a free pass on everything. But why should I want to help someone who doesn't help herself, who self sabotages herself? Why should I have sympathy or empathy for someone who throws fucking angry tantrums constantly when she gets frustrated. Why should I give her a free pass when she is hurting me by her actions? She is of the mind that if hurting me is not her intention that it's unfair for me to get angry at her. It's all about intention and not outcome. I am never going to have a peaceful normal life with her unless she changes and gets her shit together, and I am really afraid that she won't, but if I leave then I am the problem. And I need things from her... if I leave I won't get my needs met either because I will be all alone and no other woman would ever want me in the condition I am in from this relationship and how fucked up my life is. So I am screwed no matter what. I just want a level of basic competence, consideration and respect. It doesn't have to be 50/50. Just try harder. Do something to make a positive contribution. Not just lip service. Be responsible and act like a fucking adult. Appreciate the things that I do for you and for us. Try doing some things for me and for us. I don't know how to explain it to anyone. I have nobody to talk to anymore. I am so fucking hurt and scared and angry, and talking to her about this makes me hurt even more and hurts her too and I end up confused and doubting myself and blaming myself.

[fifthsonata]

There is a solution weary, and I know it is terrifying and seems like it is near impossible, but there is a solution. You cannot be held responsible for her reactions to you, but you can be responsible for how you handle reacting to her. If this is so toxic to you, you know what solution is necessary for you. It's just finding the strength to follow through with them.


I hope you find that courage to do what you need to do. There IS a way to solve it.