when does it get better?

[Penelopeonfire]

Since August 2013, I've experienced nothing but transitions. I think I have PTSD from all these transitions! In August, I had a brief affair with a man who had been pursuing me for roughly 8 months (he and I were both married). I told my husband I was miserable and emotionally isolated in our marriage, and he essentially said "there's nothing I can do." He immediately contacted a lawyer, created an online dating profile, and found himself a girlfriend. Then the man who said I was his dream come true called things off when his wife found out. I found a lawyer too and we moved towards separation. By mid December, the married man contacted me again and said he was confused and missed me. By month's end, I was deep in a major depressive episode. I cried most of the time. My tween daughter was scared and I couldn't get my shit under control to reassure her. My husband was engaged in a strategic campain of emotional abuse and rage. He refused to move out. In early January, my best friend of more than 30 years said she couldn't be my friend anymore. I had seen her through the death of both her parents, the births of her children, her affair, her divorce, her remarriage and everything else. In mid January, I was involuntary hospitalized because of suicidal ideation. If you haven't seen the inside of a county behavioral health ER, then you haven't seen hell. Days after I was discharged, my father was hospitalized with pnuemonia. He remained hospitalized off and on until his death in April. Two weeks prior to his death, I was fired from my job. My work friends stopped talking to me as well. As I sit and write this, I am still waiting for my ex to move out of the house that I know own on my own. There have been so many "hard parts" about the past 9 months that I don't think I can narrow it down. I still have instrusive thoughts regarding suicide. I keep waiting for things to get better. It's hard to keep going. It's hard not to give up.

[marcusfreestone]

Wow, it never rains but it pours, doesn't it? A friend of mine got divorced last year and had to carry on living with his wife for months until he found his own place. Once they had properly separated he could breath a huge sigh of relief. If you now own the house then maybe you can find a legal way to make him move out? I frequently struggle with suicidal thoughts and what helps me is to get plenty of sleep (difficult as I have chronic insomnia) and walk as much as possible. If you can ease the physical symptoms of depression then you're in a better position to deal with the practical stuff and cope with stress. Surely your daughter is the best possible reason not to give up? If friends drop you like that then they weren't real friends anyway. I wish had something more useful to say. I've only been on here a few weeks and I've found talking to people very useful and comforting, hope you do to and best of luck.

[Penelopeonfire]

Marcus- thanks so much for your reply! Most of the time I feel like I'm screaming into the void. So it's nice to know someone was out there. My ex FINALLY has a close date for his house-this Friday. Hopefully, having my own space will be helpful. Part of me is fearful of living alone. Last time I lived alone was in 1993. Like you, I find physical activity extremely helpful. In fact, I feel most like my true self when I'm exercising. I started practicing yoga this past January. It has been very helpful (and my arms look awesome!). But for whatever reason, the good feelings wear off when I stop working out. The worst times are the evening. I try to keep busy with little projects or netflix or my daughter but it's difficult. Things have certainly been worse for me since loosing my job. I guess working gave me the mental workout I needed during the day to allow me to better appreciate my down time. I have another job interview tomorrow. It's so hard to remain hopeful. I have been out of work for about 2.5 months. I know that's a short time but it feels like forever.

[marcusfreestone]

Screaming into the void is a phrase I often use for how I feel on facebook - I hardly use it now but get very depressed when I post stuff and nobody notices. This forum is much better for making real connections with people. Just go and post on a few topics and you'll soon be engaging with lots of people. I've been out of work for ages with various health problems. My problem isn't finding things to do - I write novels, music and comedy - but finding the energy to do anything at all. I used to meditate a lot which I found very helpful but I haven't for ages as I'm always too tired. I used to do lots of long walks but I find the motivation to get my shoes on and get out the front door is sadly lacking in me most days. I think all we can do is do our best every day and try not to beat ourselves up when we don't get things done (easier said that done I know). Playing an instrument is very helpful even if you're not much good at it, it concentrates on the mind on something outside of yourself. I also find reading lots of novels helps. I've nearly always lived on my own and I love it but I know how disconcerting it can feel when a relationship ends and you find yourself alone again. Maybe you could try an evening class in a subject you've never looked at before or a totally new kind of hobby.