so scared of how badly i feel

[WiltedRose]

it is just nice to have Paul's podcast and this forum to help remind me/us we are not alone in this sometimes "invisible" struggle (invisible to others who look at us on the outside, I mean). I appreciate all of it so much. And hey - today is friday! there should be a new podcast to look forward to! Hang in there everyone.
(I was going to say have a good weekend to everyone- but I know when someone says that to me, it just incites more anxiety.... got go minute by minute otherwise life is so overwhelming)
~Wilted Rose

[manuel_moe_g]

Minute by minute can be a very loving way to treat yourself, sparing yourself the anxiety of future-thinking. Please take care, WiltedRose!

[guybrarian]

Rose, I know the feelings you are having. I recently had something of a relapse of intrusive thoughts and severe anxiety. I'm still going through it, but it's gradually getting better. That's my mantra: this may be very distressing right now, but it never lasts forever and it always gets better if I do my part.

I've hospitalized myself twice, and anything that makes me think that I might get to that point again scares the crap out of me. But you know what? Even when I ended up in a psych ward, it always got better. It sometimes took longer than I would have liked, but it always got better. It took work, but the rewards have been great.

It will get better for you. If you want it, and are committed to loving yourself enough to do the work necessary to treat the mental health issues you have, it will get better. We are all sending you lots of internet hugs.

[WiltedRose]

just gotta say, lol.... as I read that initially I thought it said sending peace to replace my "brain".... instead of pain. *sigh* cute mis-read there for a second. Peace in place of my brain would be nice. Sounds like a drug solution. Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to try alcohol or even marijuana. But I think both would probably make matters worse.

[Cinnamon]

Just seeing this but I hope things will get better for you soon. You are brave in addressing all of this, but it must be exhausting. Don't lose hope, you only have to tackle one day in any given day.
You mentioned animals? what animals do you have? Animals can be very comforting.
what ways do you nurture yourself?

[richardc]

As someone struggling with addiction, there's nothing brave about falling back on drugs and alcohol. They would definitely make matters worse! I'm proud of you for not falling back on them.
Wish I could give you a real hug, but an internet one will have to do!

[WiltedRose]

sometimes get so scared of facing a new day - or more like, getting through today - and then seeing nothing but bleakness in the future. day after day, more fear. more pain. more suffering (I know that sounds really wallowing and weak. I lack reslience right now). i cant stand seeing other people out and about who are happy. smiling. when inside I'm crumpled up and dying - feeling so stressed. tense. on edge. Meds constantly in flux. maybe soon it will get easier...

[manuel_moe_g]

Ugh, I hate meds in flux - that is why I am sticking with my current meds even though they are not helping me 100% (more like 10%). I added Abilify, which helped - I am in a much better place than a year ago.

Please be strong. We are cheering for you.

[WiltedRose]

this has turned into my own little thread of a "journal" here over the past couple months (or is everything considered "BLOG" today, and journals outdated?). anyway - there may finally be some light at the end of this dark tunnel I've been in since late April , when I was forced to take medical leave from work to "deal" with my issues (eating disorder primary - depression/anxiety/ocd created the eating disorder though). lots of med changes. Lots of medical monitoring. Lots of good doctors and specialists. I was finally cleared by my gastroenterologist to have a surgery I needed (just gallbladder removal, but it had been bothering me since November, and due to my medical instability related to the ED, they wanted to wait until my electrolytes were consistently stable, nutrition status better, esophageal tears healed, etc) So I had my gallbladder removed Wed. The biggest struggle for me is it interferes with my OcD .... I cannot yet physically do what my brain tells me to do. My routines/rituals get disrupted and my anxiety spikes... spiking anxiety makes me afraid of panic attacks. (it's really the anticipation that I might have a panic attack, though I've been pretty safe for weeks now). And I am a big compulsive exerciser - so THAT is probably the hardest part. I do intense physical activity daily... and to have to rest for a brief period is not going well. I freak out and escalate at times throughout the day. I may cry and lose it, but the wave of anxiety/near panic passes eventually and I hang in there. As soon as my body feels a little better, I will exercise as much as I can though. I hope I don't have to wait to full period of time my surgeon advised....
BUT - my meds may finally be getting better balanced as my mood had been a little less labile. I'm not sure if the addition of LAMICTAL really helped.... but it may be. The changes are so subtle with psych meds - and slow - you can't really notice sometimes until one day you suddenly stand back and say, "hey - four weeks ago I was feeling a certain way - and that seems to have eased up a little".
What a struggle this spring/summer has been. My Doctor said she may let me return to work FINALLY after next week. Part time at first (I generally work these crazy long 14 hour shifts - three times/week.) Work is actually willing to accomodate truncated hours, if necessary - which surprised me. (or maybe they have to - with a doctor's note and being on FMLA and all.... )
So - I'm definitely Not as low as I was a few months ago... but boy has this been tough. I know this is all being blamed as a big eating disorder relapse, thus the medical intervention. But I think of this experience as a "nervous breakdown".... because it encompassed so many components of my mental health.
What's really sad is that I have this AFLAC insurance through work, which I've never used - but it is supposed to help cover you a bit (salary wise) if you are off work for an illness/disability. So I filed claims but of course they listed just about EVERY MENTAL AILMENT as an exclusion - including eating disorders, mood disorders, anxiety disorders.... just makes me so sad and angry that sicknesses below the neck are considered "real" and "valid" - but anything above the neck (related to mental health) is not viewed in the same manner. MY SUFFERING during this period of months has been immense. And no I don't have cancer or broken bones... but why can't a broken brain be taken seriously????
I wish I could email someone at AFLAC and explain this to them. Maybe someday their policies will change....

[manuel_moe_g]

WiltedRose, you pulled through! We are so proud! The beginning of the end of this time of suffering, and I am so happy for you!