ghostmouse chronicles (because she's pretentious as fuck)

[ghostmouse]

Phew! Today was humbling. My first day with a younger group of kids than I'm usually with. 6-8 year olds, a whole bushel of them, and more than half of them new to the camp, so lots of intentionally testing my limits. My boss had to give me a little advice on how to get them to listen without shouting over them. A little embarrassing that I didn't know better, but things got a little smoother after that, and I think most of my activities went over okay (we ended by eating cookies with candy in them, which I admit might be a sneaky trick). I have to remember it should get easier, as those kids who are in the testing phase settle into the structure of camp and I tune into how to communicate with them.

Nervous about:
-falling short of being helpful to other staff members as I'm a little overwhelmed this week
-I said I'd sing for the kids on Thursday, and it's been a long time since I did that in front of anyone
-the delicate balance of learning curve versus energy curve

[ghostmouse]

K, so much for the "it'll get a bit better every day" theory. Today was so frustrating. I feel like such a fraud and a failure. FFffffffffffffffffffffffffffffwords.

[ghostmouse]

Took a little time to try to put the day in perspective. There was definitely something up with all of us today -- maybe the weather. Lots of whining, and it felt like I was constantly having to break up fights. Poor decisions were being made faster than we could stop them, at a rate impressive even for 7-year-olds. A shoe fell in a toilet. And by fell, I mean it was thrown into the toilet (albeit accidentally) from a neighbouring stall. Yaaay.

HOWEVER.

When these kids are sweet, they are SO SWEET. I get to do fun goofy littler kid stuff with them that I don't get to do with the older kids. When we prefaced our dancing time this morning with a discussion about reasons spies should know how to dance, they came up with so many ridiculously brilliant scenarios for dancing spies, and they were SO into it. They need so little prompting to let their imaginations run wild. So that part's awesome.

Now to throw a little more respect for each other into that mix...*sigh*

[manuel_moe_g]

Dancing spies!

[ghostmouse]

I feel so much less flattened today than I have all week. It's hard to say why. Maybe just acclimatizing. My brain was pretty frazzled I guess -- I kept forgetting things, but it didn't end up feeling like I was digging myself into a hole. I was just taking things more lightly, I guess. idk maybe I was just high on Sharpies, since I spent my whole first period using them to re-do the lyrics boards I left at home.

Grateful that:
-my co-counsellor this week is so excellent at rolling with the punches, because the schedule *never* ends up looking the same IRL as on paper with this group
-in spite of some frustrating moments as always, I feel like I'm starting to get through to the kid who I've been having the most trouble with this week -- at least to the point where we can have a conversation when he goes into meltdown mode, & I think he's beginning to get that not wanting to reward bad behaviour doesn't mean I'm not on his side
-the programmer who is with this group next week has clashes with the opposite kids that I do -- so we can help each other see the positive qualities in the kids who frustrate us, and give each other notes on ways to communicate with the kids who's languages we've tuned into
-considering that humankind walking upright was a questionable move at best what with the side effects of smaller pelvis size leading to smaller head size at birth leading to considerable brain development to be completed upon arrival, things can work out surprisingly well...also if humans didn't have such long and precarious childhoods I have no idea what I'd be able to do that anyone would pay me for.

[ghostmouse]

My father has been claiming to be taking care of taxes for our whole family, but just recently basically said "surprise! I was not doing anything about that at all for 8 years and I decided to wait until now to tell you!"...meaning I've been carefully handing all my relevant paperwork into a vortex all that time. As in he now claims I never handed him anything, and refuses to look through the swirling chaos of papers on his desk to find out if that's actually true. I'm sure I neglected some things on my end, but he's really trying to make the case that I've been acting like he can just magically do my taxes with no paperwork from me, which...no. All he had to say was "you're a big girl, do it yourself." (Obviously that's a no brainer for the future.) Now I have a giant list of all the things that make me anxious to do at once. I basically have to admit to all my former employers (who already represent a bunch of shit I've failed at) that I'm massively delinquent in this very basic aspect of adulthood. It would help if he'd at least now say, "sorry, I should have said something earlier." But instead he's being completely defensive, saying he just decided not to worry about our taxes while he was taking care of his mother's estate which would be reasonable if he'd said that to any of us 8 years ago so we could act accordingly. This from a man who claims not to believe in excuses. Aaaaand of course I'm just as much of a strong-willed asshole as he is, so thaaat makes for healthy productive discussions on the subject.

[ghostmouse]

There have been a couple of suicides/attempted suicides in our community lately. Nobody I know, so it's not a grief thing for me, just strange having it in the air. Being around people in mourning after a suicide always makes me feel guilty and alien. And ironically more suicidal, which doesn't really help matters.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, ghostmouse. You contribute to this community, so we are all sending you good healthy healing vibes.

[ghostmouse]

Thank you manuel.

And in turn I'm sending healing vibes to two of my campers: one of whom recently lost a cousin, another who is presently staying with relatives while his parents care for his sister following her attempt.

[ghostmouse]

Ticket to China is booked. Just a few weeks and a few bits of paperwork left before it's real. I've been really excited, but tonight, right now, I'm back pretty close to the same scared place I was in when I joined this board. I know it won't be the same solid wall, at least not for the next two days, when I still have camp to pull it together for.

I just have no idea how to keep me safe from myself on the other side of the world. My anti-suicide plan basically amounts to telling myself "hey you, don't kill yourself. i understand that you have weird things in your brain that make plans to do that all the time whether you like it or not and they always have and i agree that's fucking weird and unfortunate but just don't you're not allowed."

I don't know how to keep myself any safer than that. I suspect it is not enough.