(Essentially, I am not the greatest in social situations, and did something that in the long run is going to make little to no difference, but isn't exactly fixable and, more importantly, has brought up a gigantic swirling cesspool of self-frustration and repressed identity issues that I've been trying and failing to deal with for years.) I hate when I get into this state, because I'm aware of the kind of things that put me into it and I really should know better than to do those things. Unfortunately, at this point my way of dealing with it seems to involve long and counterproductive rumination sessions, forgetting to eat and sleep, and smoking far too many cigarettes. (I quit a few years ago but it unfortunately seems to be my go-to when nothing else is working). I know I will be okay eventually - I have some good friends I can and have talked to and I'm seeing my therapist later this week (who thus far knows about my social anxiety but only very little about the identity issues) - but at the moment I'm just feeling like a mess of raw nerves and panic, and it's frustrating and a little scary.
I'm doing somewhat better now, and seeing my therapist later this afternoon. Going to try to get started with actually talking through some of these issues so they don't keep showing up spontaneously in inconvenient contexts...scary but necessary. 