Mourning over an avoidant life

[manuel_moe_g]

My heart has been heavy the last two days, from thinking about how my depression and my anxiety has contributed to me living an avoidant life. All I knew to do was seclude myself and stifle myself. Now I have a middle-age longing for opportunities lost.

I am in a good position to help others through depression and anxiety. Abilify has opened the door to accomplishments at work, and I am forgiving to myself.

But truthfully my heart is still heavy.

[gfyourself]

I am beginning to face this and it is tough. All I can say is I try to focus on how many of those things that I've not yet done I can still do. But I have to admit that doesn't always work.
Hang in there!

[manuel_moe_g]

This weekend was pretty good, I washed to dog, and fought through my resistance to do so. I just remember that fighting through the tendency to be avoidant is a habit, so I keep the habit exercised.

I remind myself that my tendency is to be avoidant, and that all I have is the formation of habits to fight against that, and I start work NOW in a self-loving way, even if I move very very slow and take a lot of breaks to meditate.

[gfyourself]

In the article the NY Times did on Maria Bamford, one of the things that helps her through her issues is to tell herself (just) "do the work". I try to remind myself of this as much as I can.

[manuel_moe_g]

Dreams screw me up. I dream of the past, and either my dream makes a mockery of my past avoidant living, or the dream is a perfect expression of my avoidant living. I have embarrassing dreams where I spend the whole dream trying to find the perfect place to masturbate! I cannot get a lay even in my dreams!

My avoidant living has filled my life with days that perfectly devoid of action and accomplishment and real satisfaction.

Lately this issue of avoidant living has been on the forefront of my mind, so I am trying to build habits of doing things in the now, and just doing things in the most self-loving way possible, which in my case means slowing things down because even a tiny bit of rushing makes my anxiety flare up.

Ugh, and I am trying to lose weight at the same time. Eating to total satiation is the ONLY thing that reliably makes my anxiety go away, and I have to give it up, because my sense of hunger is out of whack and it makes me gain weight. It is a health issue because I know I have fat nodules on my liver.

[kitterztoo]

I haven't jumped in to reply until now, but I can relate. Five years ago, I realized I wanted more. I also kept ruminating over what could have been, what I should have done, and the dreaded "If I only..." My therapist said the longer I'm avoidant, the longer I'm delaying my life. "It's as if you're committing emotional suicide."

I know it's so difficult to think of the past and kick yourself over and over for missing opportunities, wishing you'd have done things differently, and then you beat yourself up for not being young anymore. There's a quote that continually reminds me to do one thing every day that a 44 yr old mom "shouldn't do":

"It's never too late to be who you might have been."

It's not too late. I know you're not a twenty-something, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck in regret. Start slowly. Do one thing that challenges your avoidant personality. I've decided to get a divorce. It's overwhelming, but I can't stay stuck forever. Today, I volunteered at my daughter's high school to alter marching band uniforms. I don't know anyone there. I'm morbidly obese and disabled, so to actually go out and do this for my daughter is huge. I was so nervous I had to take a minute out in the car before going in. I made sure I knew where I could go to take a minute or two to breathe.

My house is messy and cluttered. I try to make sure I use my time on my girls. I have fatty infiltrate into my liver. I haven't been able to exercise due to injury, but I know I can swim. My old self-injury scars keep me frozen in avoidant behavior. I never thought I'd live to age 40, and I made it to 44. My new goal is to make it to 50 without needing a knee replacement. Baby steps

Therapy over the last decade saved my life. Now I'm ready to live it. You can too, Moe. {{HUG}}

[littlem]

I can so relate. I'm 30 and I feel like I have lost at least 15 years of my life avoiding things. I feel like I could have accomplished so much more, seen so many more things. I could have a better career, could have travelled more, could have more money, could have a house instead of still renting an apartment... the list goes on.

The problem is I still have a lot of anxiety. I worry I am going to make mistakes, that I'm going to make the wrong decision and end up even worse off than I am now. Subsequently I stay stuck, not moving anywhere at all.

My therapist's advice is to "step outside my comfort zone," which I can do in small ways, but in other ways I still have so much fear and it takes a huge effort to force myself out of procrastination.

I'm facing a big decision in my life (moving overseas) and this is cropping up so much right now. But I think in the end I need to do this, to show myself I can, that even if it's a big fuck-up that I'll be okay, that life moves on. My coworker was speaking to another person the other day, but she said an old saying I haven't heard in a while, and I think fits: "shit or get off the pot." We just gotta do shit!! Anything is better than nothing at all. Baby steps.

I really wish you the best in overcoming this.

[WiltedRose]

just to add on, I too feel I can relate well to this. I am 42 - I have avoided life via OCD rituals/routines - which usually translate into my eating disorder behaviors. So many opportunities lost, I grieve.... if only I could not be so paralyzed by this. I can't break out of my comfort zone though - without extreme anxiety/panic. then depression sits in because I know I cannot fully live the life I would have wanted...

[manuel_moe_g]

You rule, kitterztoo!

Today, I volunteered at my daughter's high school to alter marching band uniforms. I don't know anyone there.

This is awesome to read. I am so proud of you, kitterztoo!

Hello, littlem.

I'm facing a big decision in my life (moving overseas) and this is cropping up so much right now. But I think in the end I need to do this, to show myself I can, that even if it's a big fuck-up that I'll be okay, that life moves on.

We are cheering for you, littlem! We believe in you!

[amieonthewall]

Hello Manuel!

I have been feeling the same frustration for the past few years, and I've become strongly avoidant of social situations due to multiple experiences where I tried to put myself out there (in small and large ways) only to be hurt. I'm terrified of becoming a hermit, but I've been burned enough times that it's become difficult to even go to the grocery store.

As this is something I haven't really figured out yet, I definitely don't know "the solution", but I do have a suggestion. Something that has helped me a lot (if you aren't already doing it) is really celebrating and congratulating yourself when you *do* put yourself out there. On some days that may mean going to a party, on other days it may mean walking to the store or going to the library. And when you do it, you give yourself credit, in exactly the same way you gave credit to kitterztoo and littlem. You sound like a great cheerleader (or encourager, if you're more comfortable with that term), and you should try to direct some of that lovely positivity toward yourself. Kinda like Paul says, pretend you're talking to someone else. If you saw someone who struggled with the same thing and they managed to do something that seemed small but you knew was huge for them, how would you talk to them? Anyway, it's hard to self-edit cuz I'm writing this from my phone but I hope I wrote this decent enough.