Food and self-worth

[fieldingmellish]

I'm a man in his early thirties who has always had issues with food, but I'd never considered the fact that I may have an eating disorder until recently. I discussed these issues with my therapist, and she suggested that food may be at the heart of many of my problems - I have suffered from depression and anxiety since my mid-teens. Refusing to eat has been a coping mechanism for me since my childhood; I have always felt that I can minimize my impact on the people around me by denying myself food. When I was nine years old my mother suffered a nervous breakdown. I thought I was lightening her load by skipping meals, with the result that I became ill.

These issues have always been there in the background, I have always had to fight the urge to deny myself food, but they came to the fore again recently when my relationship of ten years began to fall apart. My partner was the primary earner; they used this fact to undermine me and justify their actions - frequent infidelity, drug abuse and the racking up of huge debts. My only way of gaining a measure of control over the situation was to deny myself food - once again to minimize my impact on the situation, but also to create a physical manifestation of the sadness and frustration I was feeling. Of course, this didn't work and the relationship ended, by which time I was considerably underweight - my current BMI is 16.3.

I'm finding it difficult to get out of this spiral. I associate food with feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness; there's always a reproving voice in the back of my mind that tells me I don't deserve to eat well, that I'm a drain on those around me, that eating as little as possible is the most honorable thing I can do. I'm trying to combat this, but it's difficult to silence that voice, and I physically can't eat a substantial amount of food anymore. I feel totally isolated and I want to disappear; this seems to be the most effective means of doing so.

I'm seeking help for these issues, but I would like to get everyone's perspective and advice. Apologies for this rather long-winded post.

Thanks

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for posting. I appreciate your honesty.

Objectively, from what google tells me, 16 is indeed "underweight". I say this not to shame you, but to get a commonly-accepted measure into daylight.

As far as the title of your post, IMO you have self worth and human dignity by virtue of surviving this very difficult life. How much you and when impacts your weight, but not your inherent worth.

Throughout your post I see a number of threads of issues:

eating situations, including the inability to eat substantial* amounts of food
an ended relationship
financial uncertainty (I infer this from your statements that your LTR left, and this person was the primary income source)

I hope you find some healing. I feel unqualified to offer advice. I do know, firsthand, that there is healing and help out there for people in debt, and for those who are not earning enough. There is hope and help, definitely, for those who want to earn more, and enjoy a more satisfying career.

Like the header says, you are not alone. Good luck facing this. Keep us posted.

[fieldingmellish]

Hello, Oak, thanks for your response and your kind words.

Yes, I finally summoned the courage to leave the relationship five months ago. I had to move back in with my parents. I get on well with my parents, but I often feel like I've been evicted from my life. I struggle to talk to my parents about these things, and I lost most of my social circle in the aftermath of the break-up, so it's difficult to find an outlet for what I'm feeling.

I work part-time while studying for a degree, so I'm not in a position to support myself financially right now, which exacerbates my food issues. I have an assessment with an eating disorder association at the end of the month, so hopefully they will be able to point me in the right direction.

Thanks for your help.

[oak]

When I was in graduate school I lived in a poorly constructed studio apartment. Poorly lit and ventilated, the shower leaked and somehow sprayed/dripped onto the cabinet that it faced. Soon enough mold spread through the shelves.

I wiped off the mold with a clorox wipe, then left the cabinet door open to let air and sunlight in.

In my life my secrets and shame are the same as that mold: they feed and rely on darkness and stagnant air. I get better, and feel better when I get them out into the open. This is easier said than done.

Which is why I am so pleased to see you posting here and making an appointment with the ED association.

You are letting sunlight and fresh air in.

Keep us posted. I'll look forward to your updates with interest.