wish i had the energy to type how i feel

[WiltedRose]

i don't even know which forum this would belong in. Could fit in any one of several - anxiety, OCD, depression, eating disorder, or some acronym like FUBAR. (in veterinary medicine, we use that to mean 'fucked up beyond all recognition')
But I have neither the strength nor focus to type much more.
Just will say I'm a mess. I HURT. I FEEL ALONE. I HATE MY BROKEN BRAIN ANd HoW I AM TORTURED BY IT . I HATE THAT My BRAIN MAKES THE RULES... and I REALLY JUST HAVE TO FOLLOW ALONG. I feel like I'm not in the driver's seat. And how do I explain to loved ones why I'm like this? How can I make them understand the reasons I am unable to partake in family activities or outings or social events feels out of my control. The routines/rituals I have developed to keep me safe must be adhered to each day, or else I fall apart. When I am forced to go just slightly beyond my comfort zone, I freak out and my anxiety escalates into panic. I hate that I am this way. It feels like I lack "free will". To others, I suppose I am just reclusive. Odd. PAthetic?
Sometimes I feel so desperate to escape this prison of my mind... I actually CRY over leaving my beloved pets behind (though I do have plans for them if something should "happen" to me)
Do you even just want to tantrum like a child? Stomp your feet and cry, "THIS IS NOT FAIR! WH'y DID I END UP WITH THE CRAZY GENES? WHY AM I THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ASS WHEN IN TRUTH I AM REALLY SUFFERING AND SICK WITH THIS?"
I hate crying for myself. OVer myself. Feeling sorry for myself. But tonight so many things just climaxed, that I can't help it.
But I know crying will only ease the tension a tiny bit - there is no solution or hope for relief.

[manuel_moe_g]

The little part of your frontal cortex that knows something is wrong and that there has to be a better way can grow, very slowly. You can turn the corner, but it is so distressing how long the process works. It is like watching a stalagmite form drop by drop. I remember when I could only feel confident about 20 seconds of productive work a day.

Please take care, we all cherish what you bring to the forum, and we are cheering for you, WiltedRose.

[WiltedRose]

Moe,
I just want to say - you are the best! and you do so much to keep this forum going... I really appreciate your dedication, compassion, and time you've spent helping Paul .

Hugs.