Looking for alternate world for people who aren't people

[Watts]

My existence is feral, all it really is is the slow wasting of time. Human interaction is supposedly crucial in a persons life, but I can't keep things going with people by shitting out words when there's nothing worth saying.

[fieldingmellish]

I know exactly how you feel. I have terrible trouble sustaining conversations, let alone friendships, with people; with the result that I am alone most of the time. I wish there were a space where people who struggle with these issues could gather in person without the usual social pressures.

I recently started a new job with a group of 11 other new recruits. By day three of the training, the rest of the group had bonded and were chatting freely. I was completely paralyzed by panic in their presence; something prevented me from engaging in their idle small talk - small talk is torture to me. By the end of the week I had totally isolated myself from the people I'm going to be working with. I sometimes feel that all I'm doing is performing maintenance, keeping my body functioning for no specific purpose.

It's important to find a grain of hope. The only thing that sustains me is the dim hope that one day I'll be able to earn a reasonable living as a writer. I know the the chances are remote, but the possibility lends a sense of momentum to my days. What are the things that get you out of bed every day?

[Watts]

If you could live your life as a writer would you take comfort in isolation? Or would you feel like you were just skirting the issue? Do you wish you could engage in small talk or do you think it's not worth it? Even if there is some kind of connection with someone, keeping in touch is overwhelming, socializing feels like work. I've lost touch with the couple of friends I had, it seems like there's never anything real to hold onto. I'm sure it's my fault. To be friends people need to constantly ask each other the "how are things?" question and get the same response every time because nothing is ever new. I guess that's why I've found myself drifting, I can't keep things going with people by shitting out words when there's nothing worth saying.

I do know there are good people and it's amazing when you think about all the shit people have accomplished and built, but the majority of people don't seem to understand that they themselves aren't anything and shouldn't think there's anything special about their individual lives. How are you supposed to create and maintain "friendships" with anyone when everyone is trying to prove something with their lives?

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Watts, welcome to our little forum. Feel free to participate in the threads here.

I agree with you that friendship is overrated and it is mostly a "bill-of-goods" sold to us by society. Intense people drive people away. But the human animal is just not made for isolation. It is difficult.

Hello fieldingmellish, great to hear that you have something that gets you out of bed everyday!

Please take care, all the best to you, Watts and fieldingmellish, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[fieldingmellish]

The ability to endure endless hours of solitude is certainly one a writer needs, but I've learned that there also needs to be some engagement with the world. Like you, I find it so difficult to maintain that engagement. I get lost in my mind and there doesn't seem to be much room for anyone else. I think it's a matter of finding people who are worth the effort, who understand your feelings, who have some perspective on who/what they are, who aren't obsessed with status.

Finding those people is a long, difficult process, and you end up abandoning a lot of people who can't provide that level of friendship. It's also about having the self-esteem to believe you're worth people's time. I constantly feel like I'm intruding upon someone's life by contacting them - I'm worried now that I'm wasting your time by offering you my thoughts. Part of me wishes I could engage in small talk, but another part understands that it's ultimately meaningless.

I find that if I encounter someone who is worth the effort, with whom I might be able to have something real, I'll try to overcome my discomfort. I'll mostly fail, but I tried, and sympathetic people will meet you half way.If a friendship feels like work, it probably isn't worth pursuing. It really isn't your fault, it's the way you're wired.

[Watts]

My brain shut down, my muscles for keep this going have atrophied