Not sure where else to go...

[anymomentinthewoods]

Hello, everybody. My name is DJ and I have bipolar II and OCD. I've been having a rough time lately and I don't know who else to talk to or where else to go right now. I thought I'd try here. I've listened to the podcast since last year and have always wanted to try the forums but..well, I never thought I'd go for this. I'm not even sure how to write down my story but I'll give it a try.

For two years, my husband and I were in separate countries, trying desperately to be in the same place. We finally saved up enough money and I have my visa. So all should be good but it isn't. To my chagrin, the bipolar and OCD have packed up and moved with me overseas despite me trying to leave them in the States. I've been here for two months, trying hard to get a routine in place and look for work so that my husband and I can move out of a less than ideal living arrangement. We have our own space but, long story short, we share the flat with a soon to be ex family member who a lovely person but we're a young couple, we need our own house. Anyway, I've put out as many applications as I can but have only gotten two "no" responses back. No other job has answered me back or said anything yet. It's getting to the point that my husband will have to start looking for another job, which is fine, but I feel so deeply that it's my fault that he will have to start looking. It's my fault that we're still living where we are. It's my fault that he might have to take work that he hates.

I feel like I'm just bringing both of us down and I can't shake that feeling. Today, I put in four applications but I cried the whole way. I feel like I'm drowning in disappointment and fear. Like it's my fault that these jobs aren't getting back to me and that we don't have our own place yet because of me. Husband said last night that he can't tell me what's worrying him because I get sad and stressed which makes me feel like a horrible partner. I'm just this terrible sad sack that can't get a job and that can't be a support for him because I'm too busy crying. And I'm too scared to say anything else or ask for any other type of comfort because I will be clingy and then he won't want me anymore. I feel stuck because I don't know anybody that I can talk to who will understand or want to spend time listening to me. I try to tell myself that this isn't my fault, that it's just a rough patch, that I'll find something and it will be okay, I pray and pray and pray but I still feel awful and sad and nothing is happening. I just feel so stuck.

So I don't know. That's where I am right now and I'm actually sort of excited to have a chance to be on the forums and experience that. What a great introduction, I know, but I just don't know where else to go.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello anymomentinthewoods, welcome to our little forum!

I am sure you will get better replies than this one, but I am going through some of the same things. I have depression and anxiety, and my life is "I must change, but I can't change"

This is part of what my therapist has me working on right now...

Be compassionate and patient with yourself, first:

I feel like I'm just bringing both of us down [...] Like it's my fault that these jobs aren't getting back to me and that we don't have our own place yet because of me. Husband said last night that he can't tell me what's worrying him because I get sad and stressed which makes me feel like a horrible partner. I'm just this terrible sad sack that can't get a job and that can't be a support for him because I'm too busy crying. And I'm too scared to say anything else or ask for any other type of comfort because I will be clingy [...]

There is a lot of self-blame and self-hatred in your post. You must open the door to the possibility of being self-loving.

Remember that these problems are temporary emotional states, not permanent character traits. These emotional states have a beginning, a middle, and an end. They are already working to drift away, even if in this moment they feel permanent.

Remember three good things that happened this week. It doesn't matter if they are silly like kitten videos on the internet. Take those 3 memories and expand them in significance, in size, and in duration. You will use your imagination to up-size them in every way, including how vividly they affect you. [I am practicing this now as I type this. My depression has seemingly sapped my energy, so I am imagining the times that I exercised vividly.]

Now your state will have changed. Maybe it changed to a good state, but it is definitely a better state. Now vividly feel what it means to be able to change your emotional state on command. Feel this power you have.

Be patient. I am practicing being patient with myself, allowing myself to use this technique multiple times when I feel I need it, maybe doing all this twice in the span of 10 minutes if I need to.

I didn't mean to push my situation unto yours, part of what I am doing is practicing changing my mood by talking through the steps with other people.

Please feel free to visit and participate in all the threads here. Cheers and welcome and all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Cornflake Girl]

Both great posts. I can identify with what you wrote. It seemed like you were describing my experience with your words. Depression sucks and it's ridiculously easy to feel stuck and then we begin to tell ourselves lies, like "it'll never get any better", "if it wasn't for me s/he would be happier", etc. Here's one thing that helps me (oh, I have bipolar 2 and generalized (social and driving) anxiety disorder): I remind myself that nothing is permanent. Then I tell myself sternly that how people see me or what they think about me isn't any of my business. On top of that, I tell myself, gently, that I am not responsible for how other people react/respond to me. I can't change them or comfort them or make everything okay for them.
You just do your best, then find 3 positive, funny, cute things that have happened and write them down (learn to see the good), like Moe said, and check in with us often.
I'm glad you're here

-CG

[anymomentinthewoods]

Thank you for your kind words to me. I think you're both right, there is a lot of self-hate in me sometimes and I try to tell myself that it isn't permanent. Something wonderful will happen for us and I just need to take care of myself until then. Which is definitely hard to do sometimes. Husband and I are both stressed about this but I haven't been here very long and we just need to keep our heads above water.

Today has been a better day, still very stressed and worried but not as much as yesterday. I didn't put any applications in and I might not today, feel like I need a break. But Husband and I were able to talk some things out and are on the same page. I think you're definitely right, I need some self love right now. My three good things for this week so far is that I've taken my meds on time and consistently, I've been eating properly even though it's difficult, and I've been able to journal out a lot of things.