the ocd component to ED is so hard

[WiltedRose]

I know OCD would fall under the umbrella of ANXIETY disorders. I have plenty of that. (and depression)
But the OCD component of my ED just makes this so so freaking hard to overcome, The routines/rituals/ the COMPULSIVE EXERCISE.
I try to explain to the well-meaning loved ones in my life that this is not a choice. I have rules in my brain and I must obey.But How can I really make a normal person understand how that feels.? DO I really lack free will? Do I really have the ability to stand up to those com mands in my head and not give-in?
and the weird feedback I receive - like I ask for any.... some people claim to admire my "discipline" (seriously??) or how I can maintain such a "fit and toned body"..... (very triggering)
But then others who know me better see that I am killing myself and I scare them. So I have to try to conceal the truth of how I am really living - at least the behaviors can be hidden or I can lie.
I don't wish it to be this way.... im exhausted

[manuel_moe_g]

I wish I knew what to say, WiltedRose. You are suffering terribly, and that makes me sad. The only way I can relate is by comparing it to how I use eating to manage my mood. My only solution is to set up the house so it is difficult for me to snack at night, and try to reset my stomach to know the feeling of "full" when I have eaten enough. You OCD behaviors are your attempt to manage your mood - it is just terrible that our culture "rewards" you for self-harmful behavior. Please take care, we here on the forum care about you. We are sending you {{{hugs}}}.

[TinaMarie1234]

I do remember my days of ED and the crazy number of rules that I had developed. Luckily, I got over most of my ED by the end of college with the support of friends and family. However, to this day, I still need to evaluate whether my attempts to eat healthier or differently are heading me toward the rule based/OCD part of ED. I also have to keep in mind that self criticism about my appearance can be about body dismorphia.

Have you found a good therapist or any support groups? (It seems like this field has to have gotten much more knowledgeable and sophisticated since I was told in college that I didn't follow the parameters for anorexia, so there wasn't anything that they could do for me.) I've got to think that you could find someone with significant knowledge of this area to work with you. I am sorry that you're struggling with these issues.

[WiltedRose]

sad to see i posted this initially so many months ago.and yet it's still such a struggle.
I spend 4-6 hours a day exercising (compulsively) at the gym.
If I don't stick with my comfortable routines/rituals in my life (outside the gym), my anxiety is unbearable. (yes i am on meds for this - have great doctors, etc)
Still regular threats of hospitalization, or the regular accusation from my T "You are killing yourself". No, I think. I am not trying to kill myself. I am doing all of this to survive...

[Cheesehead]

Oh my goodness...when you said "I have rules in my head I must obey." I can soooo relate to that! It's such a double edge sword to have those rules, because on one hand meeting those rules makes me feel better, yet they are constant and all day long that it is exhausting to have to live by them.

I am sorry to hear of your struggle, but I can relate to much of what you say. It's kind of interesting because I am a fat bulimic and have recently lost about 30lbs due to my ED and whenever anyone comments on how good I am looking and talk about the weight loss I am very upfront about how it is happening and no one seems to care. There are the comments of how what I am doing is not good for my body, yet on the other hand everyone is so positive about the weight loss because I am obese.

Try to hang in there and find ways to take care of yourself...do as I say not as I do! lol

[WiltedRose]

may have to go to yet another treatment facility... not well. the exercise is breaking down my body yet it is the only thing helping me survive

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck to you, WiltedRose. Please take care, all the best to you.

[Bipolar1too]

Oh the rituals and rules!! Boy do I understand
Wish I could fix it for you, wish I could fix it for me. I have a goal weight but then I must reduce that by three kilograms just in case, then I need to reduce that just in case weight by a further three kilograms, also just in case. To make sure I don't eat, I have to walk on my lunch break a certain direction, a certain number of steps and god help anyone in my way if it's raining.
But of course everything will be fine as long as the scale goes down, as long as I get exactly 60 minutes uninterrupted on the treadmill, and as long as I can have my one tub of lo cal fat free yoghurt and my handful of fresh berries each day.
I am thirty fucking years old with a family. This is ridiculous.
Rinse, repeat.

[rc409]

Id help you if I could, but if another treatment is needed, so what? Thats a few days now that might lead to some wonderful years, and thats a great deal. Even with tons of rules floating around, thats still a good thing, I hope!