Can't express the darkness...

[Mus Music]

First post. Hi everyone!

I guess you could say I once had an addiction to posting on forums, which is why I've avoided them for years. But, Paul's podcast has helped me so much over the past few months, so I figured this would be a safe place to connect with people online again.

What I'm finding is that my expectations for sharing my feelings with people in my support group (been going for 6 months) are so damn high after several hours of listening to Paul and his guests. Ugh, they're so good at opening up, and I'm left wondering how I could possibly talk with that level of honesty in my own life. I crave it, but I can't seem to do it. I feel like my compass for who to trust is broken, and I think I attract people who just end up pushing me around. I understand intellectually that it's important to share, but I find I back myself into this corner where I START to get open and honest with someone, and then realize "oh, shit, do they even realize that I'm trying to open up!? This all sounds crazy, they won't get it" at which point I slam on the self censor brakes, awkwardly back-peddle the conversation, and retreat back to my corner of internal darkness where I convince myself everything is good enough.

I wish for two things: to know HOW to open up, and to know when it's safe. I simply don't know who to trust. Even if I did, I feel like I would just end up being a burden.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mus Music, welcome to our little forum! Feel free to contribute to the threads here, I am sure you will find this a safe, supportive place. All the best, cheers!

[judasiscariotjr]

I too struggle with introversion and chronic self editing. I think the most important thing is just to open up and not worry about how or whether you are doing it as effectively as you might want- especially at first. The effort is the most important part of the process, the rest can be learned over time. I know as a closed off person I have come a long way, and I still have a long way to go. You will find many people here with similar stories, you are not alone.