I'm not ready to leave therapy

[Lilac]

I am still trying to figure out how we know if someone loves us. I have done google and ask.co searches. I have asked people in my circle. I have pondered and thought and still I have no answer. I plan to ask my therapist when I see her next. I feel ashamed that I don't know the answer. Mostly I believe that I missed the skill of ... hummmm I don't know what to call it... maybe it is the skill of not having faith that family loves us.

I do believe that I have been giving too much energy to trying to explain myself and my feelings to an unresponsive family. They are clearly not in the battle with me. I have decided to shift my attention to forgiving myself. I forgive myself for buying into the way of being that I have been presented with as true and correct. I forgive myself for believing that I need to jam myself into the box of expectations that others have for me. I forgive myself for burying myself in work and dulling my feelings. I forgive myself for believing that I was not worthy of love and protection.

I am responsible for me. I am responsible for who I share my time with and I WILL NOT accept being made to feel like a nothing. I will build a new 'family'. A loving family. A caring family. They may not be my biological family but not everyone gets a good one of those. I will find a new tribe of kookie, wholehearted, loving people. I will respect them because they are different from me. I will honor my feelings and feel them when and where they emerge.

This I promise to myself.

[Lilac]

It has been 6 weeks since I told my parents that I had been molested. I have not hear from them since then.

I am feeling confused and angry. Why haven't they said ANYTHING?! I can understand that they have very poor tools for parenting but crap, I expected a little more than silence.

I don't know what to do if anything. Clearly they have no feelings for me. It seems like it is a waste of time to keep trying. I don't really believe in giving up but ... it seems pretty clear it is time to say goodbye to the hope that someday I'll have loving parents. I was hoping to make amends with them and start to form a real family unit. They are 70 so time may be short. I can't do this alone. It is too hard to be the only one doing any work on this relationship. I can't keep on giving and not getting in return.

This decision seems like it should be more difficult.

[Lilac]

I want to kill myself. No not in that way. I want to use it as an avenue to hurt all of those who have hurt me. I feel tremendous anger toward them. I want to tear them appart emotionally and stand back and watch them bleed. Not gushing emotional blood but a slow painful ooze. I want them to suffer the way I have for years. I want to be here to scream at them that they deserve every painful moment because of the pain that they have inflicted on me. But then I step back into myself and know that I will not do anything of the sort. It would make me everything that I do not want to be as a person. And then I feel like an over cooked noodle. Soft and disintegrating under any pressure. I need distance from the pressure. I need to use this energy for good. I need to use this energy for healing and kindness and strength. I need to set them aside and walk ahead of them. Steady and strong and looking forward. I am not responsible for them or their ugliness.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are awesome, Lilac. You are one of the good ones, please take care, and please be self-loving, you deserve it.

[Lilac]

Holy fuck. Another drunken rant. I am an ass and yet not. Perhaps I need to look at my booze intake...hummmmmm a thought for later.

I feel like crap again. What is new, I ask the gods? Sometimes I enter a time when I actually believe my therapist, that I AM worthy of love and then I fuck up and think , oh no, I suck, she was wrong. I am not perfect. Why can't I be perfect? I there any such thing? I am a fuck up. I am not perfect, but then who is?

Why is it that when we are sober that we can accept the program and can see that we are deserving of love. But then the shit hits the fan and we feel like the little kid who sucks and deserves to be hit and to be belittled and should be small?

I have heard that the booze lowers our inhabitions and our true nature emerges. I feel so good whenvI am sober. Then, when I drink, I become an other person. One who hate herself. One who wants to kill herself. One who wants desperately for a gun to blow herself to bits. One who doesn't care about others. How is that happening?

I am NOT this person. I am not this uncaring soul. I love others. Why can't I love myself? This is some sort of torture.

[Lilac]

Shit, shit, shit. What am I to do. I have to stop drinking. I have to stop this cycle. I can't keep going like this. I have to value myself enough to stop this destructiveness. Thank goodness I don't have kids.

I want to feel good about myself. I want to see that I am a good person. I forget things. It is the drink. I have to stop. I have to find a place where I am safe and cared for. I have to find my tribe that will help me to be the true person that is inside of me. It is time for me to stop this nonsence and be fully who I am. It is time to stop hiding. It is time to face my darkness. It is time to fight and be strong. Oh God, help me to be strong. Help me to stay here and fight the darkness.

[Lilac]

Holy shit. I am 46 years old and I can't stop wanting my parents' attension. What the fuck is that? Why can't I not care? Why can I break ties with them? I look back across my life and it is clear that they have very little interest in my life. It is a pattern, clear as day. I am not crazy. I can see it and so can other people. So why am I still dancing for their attension? They have neglected me and continue to behave in an uncaring way. I am sure of it and have been told by my therapist that it is so. So why can't I let them go? I know my life would be so much better. So much easier. But the guilt. Ack the guilt. Society tells me that I must love my parents. Or is that just my perception? Crap! Mental illness is such a bitch. Depression is a bear. A sneeky bear that is quiet until it attacks. Fucker. This is crazy making.

The holidays are coming. I know I will be expected to attend. I don't want to. I want to stay away. I think it will be best for me but I feel selfish... a month until then and I feel selfish. I feel so fucked. Our family looks so normal. Looks are so tricky. I think that is what my parents want. The looks. Fuck! Who cares. Why can't we talk about the hard stuff?

[Lilac]

Dear Diary,

I finally quit drinking. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and I feel great. The demon depression is still in the room but no longer sitting on my shoulder all damn day. I am beginning to feel more of everything and it isn't so scary. I have an energy healer now and she is super. I am less nervous than I have ever been. I have even lost some weight. I feel clean. Neww and good.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Lilac!

I have an energy healer now and she is super.

This is awesome! You have come so far!

[Lilac]

My Dearest Diary,

I have decided to leave my therapist. I love her dearly and wish that we had met as friends. I believe that my path lies in the energy healing. Since I have started, I have felt stronger and more confident than in my whole life. I see a future for myself that was never there before I started my journey. I am making plans for my future. It is a future that I have control of. What a new concept. Planning for the future. I never thought I would live this long never mind making plans for the future.

I understand now that there is no answer to the question of why people fucked with me when I was a kid. It was my path and that is all there is to it. I am stronger now and nobody is going to fuck with me . I know that I deserve to be treated with respect. I also know that I can leave people who won't or can't treat me well. There are so many people in the world. Surely there is love out there for me. I don't know who I love yet. It is a new concept that I can love and be loved. But I do know that I am enough and deserve love just as I am.

What a wonderful journey life has turned out to be. What a surprise that I could actually feel joy and sadness and all of the other emotions that have been missing from my life for so long. Sure there are hard days but there are many, many more wonderful days. Thank you God or guides or whom ever is at work here. I promise to keep fighting with all that I have. Depession will not win. After all Love ALWAYS wins.

Sending love to all of you who need it most. I have a lot to share and am happy to do it. My heart is singing tonight.