Losing my will to live/nothing to live for

[HermitMisanthrope]

Hello.

I have nothing to live for, and nothing to look forward to in life.

The drudgery of modern day life is taking it's toll on my soul.

Like a battering ram pounding on the gates for a prolong period of time. The gate is showing signs breakage, like it will
break any any moment.

Everyday is the same.

Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Rinse and repeat.

Get paid a meager paycheck at the end of the month. Living on scraps.

Work is like prison. One rule after another. My masters demand so much yet give so little in return.

I have my interests and hobbies. They help numb the pain for a short while, but it's not enough.

I often visit prostitutes to alleviate the emptiness. Not just for sex. I just wanted to cuddle with a woman.

It helps, but I can only have access for a hour or two at the most.

And then it goes like the wind. Then it's back to the soul crushing reality.

I was terrified of death when I was a boy, but not anymore.

I always knew that there was a very high chance that I will take my life. I've even chosen the preferred method too.

However I do not wish to check out just yet.

But it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the facade.

[manuel_moe_g]

HermitMisanthrope, please take care. You are not alone. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your suffering. But there are coping techniques that slowly make life more bearable and increase your capabilities and allow you to experience fulfillment and accomplishment. Depression is distorting your view of the future. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[oak]

Hey! I can assure you that you are not alone. I identified with so much with your post that after reading it first thing after I woke up the other day for a moment I thought I had entered a fugue state and posted it myself.

I hope you find a way to survive and persist. You seem like a kind, smart person. The world would be poorer without you.

btw, I never considered utilizing sex workers until an incident two weeks ago: a young woman gave me her number, and putting two and two together I realized that she might be a sex worker. Which is fine morally with me, but something I never considered buying. Then I realized that I'd gladly pay $500 for an hour of gfe with her ($500 being a huge proportion of my monthly income, like "can't eat for three weeks" alot, but in that moment I'd gladly pay it).

Which is just a long way of saying that you are not alone. I'll look forward to more posts from you. Hang in there.

[Stan]

hi there! so sorry to hear that you are battling with worst situation atm, but just like anybody said, you are not alone. actually I've been dealing that kind of situation now. tiresome routines. sleep, rinse, work, eat, home, then sleep again and rinse to work. it's killing me. i occasionally hangout with some friends, flirting with someone, but when the fun is gone, depression is kicking. then, another day will pass with nothing especial happened. some advicing that i need to find a loveone and settle down. you should try to look someone who can hold you forever not just an hour or two. hope you (we) find something special soon. wish you luck pal.

[HermitMisanthrope]

you should try to look someone who can hold you forever not just an hour or two

I gave up looking for a woman through conventional means. I never even had a girlfriend before. Oh boy did I try, but I couldn't even get a date if my miserable existence depended on it(never even been on a date btw). It is probably because of me projecting my depression into the outside world and women pick up on that. After living with this condition for so long that it has become my natural state. It is like I wear my sadness like a sign.

I'm also not confident at all and highly insecure.

After so many attempts and falling flat on my face, I have given up. I just can't deal with the rejection anymore.

It seems the universe has destined me to be alone.