tiptoeing through happiness

[serious_oregon]

A month or so ago I said I was going to start attempting to post. Maybe I didn't say attempting. Maybe I implied I was actually going to get up the gusto to really play a part. Get in there and reinstate my membership into the MIHH community. Maybe.
I didn't.
Nevertheless, here I am.

I've had a lot of stress in my life. My stress seems so trivial and first world, but with an attack rate that has kept me cornered for fear of turning my back. I have slowly started falling back into a depression that I haven't felt for years. It terrifies me because I'm unable to take prescription medications. I am a huge advocate of meditation, but there are nights when even meditation is rushed so that I can sleep. Sleep is a sweet mistress and an enemy in disguise.

This summer I have been dealing with writing off a sister because she is toxic, relocating my mum who is in the first stages of dementia, starting a business, dealing with reoccurring back problems and fibromyalgia/chronic pain, fear of loss of my elderly kitty, an 8-year relationship that just is, and grief for all I have yet to do and all I have not done. I'm depressed, isolated, and trying really hard to surface.

In brief, that's where I am at. Writing here is always liberating. It does make me feel better. The community is so amazing and has saved so many people from themselves.
This is my effort today. I love you, guys and gals.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I'm glad you finally found the strength to reach out. That is a major step toward helping yourself: seeking help.

I encourage you to reach out to any non-toxic family and to form your own self-chosen family of good, reliable people.

Without medication, there are ways to dig yourself out of depression but it takes a lot of will and often help from others to get you to that place. Exercise. I recommend dancing to upbeat music that you like. Listening to Kylie Minogue's "Aphrodite" album for me always gets me in a good place (when I can will myself to). So if you can't think of upbeat music right now, you can start there lol. I know I couldn't remember any in my last bout.

Supplements help. Ask a doctor about them. I am taking NAC, omega 3 and St. John's wort, no meds. After 2 weeks it really helped. But be especially cautious of St. John's wort.

Just some ideas for starting points. I wish you luck getting out of this hole! Hugs.

[serious_oregon]

Thanks for the encouragement, IP!
I do have a wonderful family that is also a support system. Unfortunately, we don't all live in the same area, but nonetheless, we are there for one another. My mother is the one taking the brunt of the situation. It is a long drawn-out story that would take a hours to write out. I feel very responsible for her, even though my eldest sister now has her in her care. I've come to terms with my 'sisterectomy'. It's hard and I keep thinking about ways I could try and sit down with her and see what I can do to help her situation. But then I remember that this isn't my responsibility. My sister has lived her life based on her own decisions and her outcomes are her own. It's just very sad when you have to remove family from your life. Anyway...

Lord, have I tried supplements! I am currently taking Rhodiola which is very helpful for anxiety. I've been on it now for about two and a half months and I've not suffered any anxiety attacks. I'm not sure if it is helping to suppress, or I'm just dealing better through meditation. I tried SAM-e for quite a while, but wasn't thrilled when I read an article saying that it may cause cancer (what doesn't at this point?). I've also tried blue-green algae for my brain fog. It does work, but the expense was not something I could maintain. I am going to start working with a naturopathic doctor to try and get my anxiety, depression and hormones in check. The depression and the crying are crazy-making!

I must say after writing yesterday and tuning in a bit with my partner, I feel better today. I know how depression is full of peaks and valleys, so I'll keep climbing since I'm at least out of the hole I was in. I appreciate the feedback lots.

Have a great rest of your week, IP! Cheers.