My boyfriend told me I'm too negative and he can't deal with it.
What do I do?
This is a new relationship, ~2 months. I had my heart broken for a long time but I finally met someone online dating and it was really really great for about 1 month, and then it started being tense. He just seems annoyed all the time, and I'm trying so hard to make him happy, and figure out why he is not acting like the same loving, kind person he was being a few weeks ago.
I don't think I have been that negative. I have been mostly reacting to him treating me differently. He seems annoyed by me, and if I point that out, he says it's negative of me to assume that.
I've heard this before from boys. And I have depression, so sure, I am negative. But he's known this, and that I'm working on it. I actually have been feeling pretty good about myself lately. I'm in grad school and have an internship; that's a big step up from where I've been.
But I haven't been confident in the relationship lately, it's true that I've been questioning him about that. But again, it's because for the first 4 weeks, he would very frequently smile, and tell me that he liked me, and say other nice things to me. That stopped entirely about 3 weeks ago. Nothing nice now. Just difficult planning (we live an hour apart) and other clashing.
I just feel like there's something else going on and I don't know what it is. He also said it's not just me-being-negative, it's something he can't put his finger on. He did say he wanted to stay together and try to make it better, but only after I dragged it out of him. he said, 'people are weird and just make decisions, sometimes good relationships are really short and bad relationships can last too long..' so I had to ask him to please be clear whether he was breaking up with me or not. Again, this was an example of me assuming something negative.
Feels bad. I feel dumb for getting very involved too quickly.
^ oh hey, there's a negative thought about myself, huh. Great, now I will notice all the thoughts
too negative
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IdentityPoltergeist
- Posts: 72
- Joined: September 18th, 2014, 5:05 am
Re: too negative
Hi Ernie.
It sounds like he is trying to break up with you (but hoping you will make it easier on him by breaking up with him). Do him a favor and break up with him. Even if I'm wrong, it will make you look a feel better about yourself by being the one to stand up and say hey, I'm not going to sit around and take this wishy-washy bullshit!
Perhaps part of it is your negativity, but most likely he's just realized this isn't for him long term (he even said that in his coded wishy washy way). He's afraid of hurting your feelings. You have only been together 2 months and aren't going to be around each other all the time, get out now! You can probably manage a friendly parting at this point. For whatever reason, you aren't working out together. But maybe life in its funny way will bump you into a friend of his who is just your type, and wouldn't it be nice to have on your side that you parted amicably and he looked at his time with you fondly?
2 months in is a pretty bad time to unload your negativity/emotional turmoil on someone. It sounds like you put a lot on him so soon and he had to back off as a boyfriend and step in as a caretaker/friend. The good news is he cared enough about you to hear you out and recognize what you really needed. He'll probably make a great friend. In the future, you don't have to lie to a new partner but don't overwhelm them with these issues, rely on your friends and therapist for that or you will scare them off as a romantic partner. Think about it: how would you feel about someone who, weeks or days in, is having emotional meltdowns?
I have dated someone from his perspective. Do the kind thing, he will think more of you. Keep this guy around as a friend if you can, but try to give as much as you take (hear him out, everyone has issues).
It sounds like he is trying to break up with you (but hoping you will make it easier on him by breaking up with him). Do him a favor and break up with him. Even if I'm wrong, it will make you look a feel better about yourself by being the one to stand up and say hey, I'm not going to sit around and take this wishy-washy bullshit!
Perhaps part of it is your negativity, but most likely he's just realized this isn't for him long term (he even said that in his coded wishy washy way). He's afraid of hurting your feelings. You have only been together 2 months and aren't going to be around each other all the time, get out now! You can probably manage a friendly parting at this point. For whatever reason, you aren't working out together. But maybe life in its funny way will bump you into a friend of his who is just your type, and wouldn't it be nice to have on your side that you parted amicably and he looked at his time with you fondly?
2 months in is a pretty bad time to unload your negativity/emotional turmoil on someone. It sounds like you put a lot on him so soon and he had to back off as a boyfriend and step in as a caretaker/friend. The good news is he cared enough about you to hear you out and recognize what you really needed. He'll probably make a great friend. In the future, you don't have to lie to a new partner but don't overwhelm them with these issues, rely on your friends and therapist for that or you will scare them off as a romantic partner. Think about it: how would you feel about someone who, weeks or days in, is having emotional meltdowns?
I have dated someone from his perspective. Do the kind thing, he will think more of you. Keep this guy around as a friend if you can, but try to give as much as you take (hear him out, everyone has issues).
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." -- Oscar Wilde
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IdentityPoltergeist
- Posts: 72
- Joined: September 18th, 2014, 5:05 am
Re: too negative
Btw emotional meltdowns was a hypothetical, not sure exactly what way your negativity is unleashed. My ex had meltdowns and several mental disorders so I was just looking to that as I wrote that.
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." -- Oscar Wilde
Re: too negative
Thank you IP.
It ended a shortly after I posted this, and I've just been, I dunno, trying to recover. I think a lot of what you said, IP, is true, but I don't think I really unloaded anything on him at all, there was not a single emotional meltdown. I have this great therapist who I've been working with, and I've doing so much better in the past year or so.
But I don't know, maybe we have different standards of 'meltdown.' Like, I certainly cried in front of him before. A lot. But always like crying at movies, (or ok, probably cheesy commercials, if I had PMS, or whatever.), my point is that it was not like depression breakdown crying. he didn't see any of that, he got the best of me.
I did TELL him about that stuff though, how that kind of thing existed in my life, and how i deal with it. So maybe that counts as unloading it on him, and too soon. But I partly felt like i could do that because he himself has been through a hell of a lot of trauma, and he seemed so well adjusted, given that. But he never had any kind of treatment. He would talk about wanting to try it, then talk himself out of it. I guess I'm trying to say I just think ok, yes, it's my fault, but it's a little his fault too, he seems unable to handle his own problems. I know mine well, and have my strategies for dealing with them. But granted, they are still terrible and to be dealt with.
It still sucks. I don't really feel like jumping back into dating. It's so hard.
It ended a shortly after I posted this, and I've just been, I dunno, trying to recover. I think a lot of what you said, IP, is true, but I don't think I really unloaded anything on him at all, there was not a single emotional meltdown. I have this great therapist who I've been working with, and I've doing so much better in the past year or so.
But I don't know, maybe we have different standards of 'meltdown.' Like, I certainly cried in front of him before. A lot. But always like crying at movies, (or ok, probably cheesy commercials, if I had PMS, or whatever.), my point is that it was not like depression breakdown crying. he didn't see any of that, he got the best of me.
I did TELL him about that stuff though, how that kind of thing existed in my life, and how i deal with it. So maybe that counts as unloading it on him, and too soon. But I partly felt like i could do that because he himself has been through a hell of a lot of trauma, and he seemed so well adjusted, given that. But he never had any kind of treatment. He would talk about wanting to try it, then talk himself out of it. I guess I'm trying to say I just think ok, yes, it's my fault, but it's a little his fault too, he seems unable to handle his own problems. I know mine well, and have my strategies for dealing with them. But granted, they are still terrible and to be dealt with.
It still sucks. I don't really feel like jumping back into dating. It's so hard.