Pulling away

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I feel myself pulling away and giving up on people. The negativity just overwhelms me and I can't take the rejection, real or imagined.

I regret ever speaking, I want to go back to being a mute because every time I open my stupid mouth someone finds fault with whatever I say.

I went out to an old coworker's birthday party and rang the doorbell. When no one answered twice I left thinking I either has the wrong place or they saw who it was and didn't want to answer. I wish I'd left it at that but I felt guilty and texted her that I tried and happy birthday. She realized I was still there in my car and came out for me, which touched me. But I wish I hadn't gone inside because I didn't know anyway and kept seeing in their eyes that they found me annoying or too loud at times, I didn't understand most of the conversations and don't like drinking in public so it was awkward.

I always say something inappropriate. I don't know what's appropriate. My therapist said she thought people were becoming too politically correct and terrorizing others for it, I see their points though as someone who knows the power of language, but I also don't understand why people have to attack like you're the KKK when your intentions are good and you haven't even been given the chance to correct, I understand people who continue to use that language in defiance also though because eventually you get tired of the impolite response to being impolite and don't want to bother at all anymore. This is me rambling.

I really hate myself when I'm around other people. I hate kids. I thought my niece and nephew were the exception but now that one has turned 3 she is becoming "a kid" and I get tense around her waiting to be rejected, ignored, mocked. She didn't like my gifts which I picked because she liked them a few months ago, now she only likes or remembers me for my dog. This is ridiculous because she is 3. However, that's when I was first rejected by my twin sister and he cycle continued with all the other kids. I was never good enough. I wasn't good at being a kid and I'm worse now at being an adult. Kids give me panic attacks. Last halloween a bunch of parents told me my costume was too scary for the kids trick or treating so I took it off and stopped answering the door. When I was a kid, I loved the scary houses and costumes best. I thought that was what Halloween was about. I've never gone the "slutty" route but it seems more socially acceptable. I don't like halloween anymore.

I feel myself spiraling again. Could I go through with suicide? Probably. I just don't want to bother people with my death like I do with my life...

[manuel_moe_g]

IdentityPoltergeist, on this forum you have said only awesome, supportive things. If somebody finds fault with you, they are being unreasonable. Continue being great!

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I, like anyone else, say the wrong things sometimes, usually not intending any ill meaning. I sometimes speak up when I feel someone is being bullied or spoken abusively of (constructive criticism is different) and this can backfire and make me feel like I'm the bad guy infringing on someone's right to speak their mind. I was bullied so much as a kid, I saw others treated that way and couldn't stand for it, I always got more abuse for defending them (even if sometimes they were bullies themselves). It just brings me back. I regret defending people and regret not defending them.

My thoughts, feelings and words have always been subject to intense criticism. My mom accused me of being too "forward" because I have a perverted sense of humor and that I was sending the wrong message, basically asking to be sexually assaulted. I was told I was too sensitive because I cried all the time, forced into jeans I found uncomfortable, couldn't handle tickling and sibling rough housing. So I locked myself away if I needed to cry, and eventually buried the feelings entirely. I have a really difficult time dating or making friends. I always say something to rub someone the wrong way. A girl I hadn't talked to much approached me at a big LGBT (etc) convention. I was talking to a friend of mine and she came overt and started talking to me/us. I said something but then got uncomfortable and thought maybe she was talking more to my friend because I didn't know her very well, so I just walked away to leave them alone. My friend informed me that I was extremely awkward and that the girl was obviously showing interest in me (and they did not in fact know one another). I'm TERRIBLE at reading these situations. When that friend met my sister she said she usually doesn't like people instantly but my sister gives a really great first impression. I asked her what my first impression was. She looked at me very flatly and said, "You give the most awkward first impression I have ever seen." She had introduced me to her friend once saying we were like the same person. I went to say hi to him and wanted to say something witty and then in my he's was like no that's too awkward or not funny enough, so I just stood there in front of him for an excessive length of time silent with my mouth open and then settled on "hi." I spent 15 minutes debating whether "hi" or "hello" or "hey" would make me sound creepy if I messaged the (then identifying) girl I liked. I never had a real conversation with him despite his being best friends with my earlier mentioned friend.

I am very empathetic when I do get an understanding of someone and I enjoy these deeper connections. Shallow outings really disturb me. I don't know how I can deeply connect to someone in one situation and not understand them at all in another. I think I make people uncomfortable most of the time. I'm much better in a context like a forum or in writing/reading, where these things are much more clear.

[manuel_moe_g]

I think I make people uncomfortable most of the time. I'm much better in a context like a forum or in writing/reading, where these things are much more clear.

Boy howdy, can I relate to this. But then I feel I am also cursed with having such awkward English grammar, so that I feel I am just confusing everyone with my writing or just tiring everyone out with my awkward contribution.

You have consistently given great written contributions here, IdentityPoltergeist, and I think everyone has noticed as such!

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I don't know about that. I think I just unintentionally made someone feel worse and delete herself from the forum?

Really doesn't help. Think I will just back off for a while. Now I feel worse.

But thank you. I hope I don't always make people feel worse.

[manuel_moe_g]

IdentityPoltergeist, please don't use the illusion of perfection to prompt you to hide your light from everyone. You definitely have something worthy to contribute.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Well, I did it again. I said something inappropriate. I always mean well but it is never taken the way I want. I see humor and never realize until it's too late.

Started writing a joke fanfic pairing. I texted a former work friend who is also awkward and nerdy and I thought would appreciate the humor. He did, but he also texted something inappropriate back and that made me uncomfortable like m mom was right. Anyway so I regretted it for that but then I told my boyfriend I did that and he cringed and said I shouldn't have texted him about the story and his fiancé (we hooked these two up) would take it the wrong way, she is apparently the jealous snoopy type who reads text messages and crazy stuff like that (I didn't even know people did that. It seems so unhealthy and feeding your own paranoia, you're just looking to find something bad whether it's real or not). So now I'm worried about that too.

On top of that, maybe I shouldn't even write this story. If talking about it is inappropriate writing it can't be. I don't know anymore.

I hate this, I make everyone uncomfortable even myself.