I wish

[Pink_Chainsaw]

I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed that I had to go to the first topic in the list to post
I wish I wasn't frozen in fear
I wish I didn't feel myself crumbling into this cancer care giving role
I wish I didn't have to go home today and entertain visitors for the weekend and then care for my dying parent
I wish I didn't love her and feel so helpless and guilty
I wish I didn't sound like I'm complaining
I wish I would stop my fucking complaining
I wish I wouldn't drink 3 glasses of wine each night
I wish I wouldn't eat things after I drink and put me in a vicious cycle
I wish I wouldn't take her pain meds and make me constipated
I wish I could just spend time being alone with my dogs
I wish the dogs and cat weren't all old now and are living on borrowed time
I wish I was smarter or
I wish I was more stupid
I wish I could go back to being grateful and quiet instead a rage of fire and blowing leaves
I wish words were enough
I wish I made sense
I wish I could punch anyone in the nose who said 'You can make all your wishes come true!'
I wish I didn't spend my time writing down why 'woe is me' sympathy ploy
I wish I wasn't a complete idiot now
I wish I could stop typing - there

[bitteroldshrew]

Girl, I wish I could hug you. You are being so hard on yourself. It would hard on anyone to take care of an ill family member, let alone someone who is struggling with depression. If you could only step outside yourself for minute and see how hard you are struggling to be perfect and how unfair you are being to yourself for not attaining that perfection. And then you beat yourself up for trying to reach out here by telling yourself that you just want sympathy! If you saw someone drowning, it wouldn't occur to you to think that they just want attention and should stop waving their hands around so frantically. It's the same with depression. We NEED to reach out and share our pain. We NEED someone to take our hand. You're not weak for having a weakness. Everyone has weaknesses. Perhaps you can allow yourself to have your weaknesses and be okay with yourself? But if not, just know that all of us struggle with feeling "less than"... and you're not alone. *hugs*

[Brooke]

I'm so glad I read your post...poor thing...it broke my heart to see the pain you are going through...but I felt a genuine connection because you were so vulnerable and brave with your thoughts... I am so sorry you are in a care giving role to your dying parents with cancer...I can't imagine what that must feel like... It must feel like a never-ending misery...it's a terrible struggle caring for them and have to watch them slowly deteriorate...and when it's over, you have nothing but loss of your parents and the emptiness in your life... I know words can't change your situation or how you feel...I just want to write to you because my heart is broken over your situation... And on top of that, your dogs are in their last years, too... When you said you wish you didn't love them and feel guilty, that is so brave of you to say and I think it is completely normal. I think anyone in your shoes will feel that way, but can't express it out loud because people would be shocked by it. Not here. I can tell that you have such a loving, sweet soul...but is being crushed by your circumstances...it's ok to complain, it's ok to drink 3 glasses of wine and eat afterwards...it would be cruel to make you get on a diet and "shapen you up" when you are so crushed...and then have to continuously give to others... Just a loving tip, Natural Calm (it's a magnesium supplement powder that is popular at health stores) REALLY helps with constipation. I take it everyday and I am soooo regular, but without it, I am constipated. There are so many powerful benefits of magnesium that is now being discovered (The Magnesium Miracle by Dr. Carolyn Dean is a popular book). It helps you calm your nerves and takes away tension in your body. Big hugs!