Nothing left

[rivergirl]

Oak -- I'm not really handling romantic disappointment so well, feel a bit like a fraud since my mood has plummeted since my last post. I'm once again in the penalty box with my ex & he refuses to speak to me. I think your suggestions about wishing well for past romantic partners is a good one. I've gotten there with the men I had my previous relationships with including my 15-year marriage. Am even still friends with the first guy, my first boyfriend. This most recent ex is just too recent I guess. I realize now he probably emotionally left me as long as 4 years ago, basically after our first serious argument. But in my heart he's still not even an ex. I hadn't dated for 8 years between my divorce and this man, and I'm now over 50, so it hits particularly hard because I'm afraid it may have been my last relationship. Also there's this whole early history with him in high school (we were prom dates) so there's a lot of romantic fantasy that we both believed about how we were destined to be together, etc. I know your suggestions about self-care are good. Today was a really bad day, but I didn't get angry at myself and resisted strong temptation for self-harm. Thank you for the wonderfully specific music suggestions! I stopped listening to music several years ago, probably around the time my relationship started to go bad because even music became too painful. Recently I tried relaxing classical music and even that hurt. But in your honor I'm going to listen to one of your suggested choices this weekend.

[rivergirl]

Omniel,
I'm beginning to think you're a mind reader. Or maybe your ex is my ex, hah. This week I mentioned to G (my ex) that my next trip will be to the state where my sister who has cancer lives, because I'm overdue for a visit. He said, "Well, as long as you know you can't visit here any time soon." I started crying, he got mad at me for crying, and now says the phone "doesn't work for him." It hurts like hell but part of me knows it would be better if we don't even talk. I emailed him a couple of times today begging him to talk to me and I'm angry at myself for that, but I also called today and made an appointment with a therapist and will do my best not to contact him again at all.

I like the way you put it about your mom's dog staying to make sure you were okay, & I'm glad it helped you. Why does life have to be so fucking sad sometimes? I'm glad you're doing better now (hope you are). It is a really weird thing how being a caregiver can sort of take over your identity to the point where you lose whatever plan you had for your own life.

Thanks again, I feel like a broken record saying that but reading all these posts has been a lifeline for me.

Going to check on my mom & her cat now. Oh, Jeopardy is on at this exact minute. She likes me to watch that with her. Fucking Friday night, woohoo!

[Omniel]

RG, he sounds like a narcissist (you don't play the game my way you get the silent treatment) or possibly does he have Asperger's? They're really control-ly like that and they love long-distance relationships because they can control everything if they so choose.

I don't stay friends with exes. I just shut the chapter of that book and even though they usually want to stay friends, I feel like "is this the kind of friend I want?" because generally we break up due to something I just can't tolerate like cheating or BEING GAY, etc. Never "growing apart" or anything like that.

With the gay one, he asked if we could be friends and I responded "how much would I have to hate myself to have you for a friend?" and that was that.