Podcast #200

[Domino51]

I listened to this podcast this morning. I think I have a better understanding of Clint Malarchuk, and a better understanding for the reaction I had after reading his book. I read his book recently, and initially I thought it was a great book. After having digested what I had read for a while, I became angry; and I didn't know why. I think part of my anger was because my thought was "some fancy ass hockey player writing a book...what the hell does he know?". I was angry because I was envious; envious of the support he receives, envious of the people that rallied around him, envious of a six month treatment program (albeit I'm not an addict), envious that he has someone that loves him no matter what, envious of the fact that he seems to have come out the other side of a racing mind. I was angry because I felt like he gets a pass for the things he did when he was sick because he's well known. I was angry because, the stigma of mental illness is still rampant unless you're famous (or so it seems). If I was to tell my story, being non-famous, people would say "what a fuck up"; in the 'real world' anyways.

I guess actually hearing someone's voice, talk about their life, rather than reading about it gave me a better glimspe into what he went through. I now realize he was simply telling his story. His story, or anyone's story, is going to be different than mine. I was judging him, and all because I was envious. Judging someone when judgement is the last thing I want to have put to me, but have had so many times.

I read books about mental illness, I do research online, I try to understand...I still don't. I'm in denial about medication, and still have the frame of mind that I just have to 'buck up', after almost 30 years. I want one person to tell me what's wrong with me; I've been told "you have PTSD", I've been told "you have anxiety and depression", and I've been told "you have AVPD"...WTF? How am I supposed to know what to focus on...so I focus on the fact that I am indeed a fuck up. I'm scared if I get involved in a mental illness forum, it will be like wrapping myself up in a blanket of depression and anxiety and will only be a constant reminder of who I am so instead I push it down and ignore it. Pushing it down makes it worse and only makes my mind race even more.

I am happy for Clint's success with recovery...but I am still envious. Thank you for telling your story Mr Malarchuk; I think I understand a bit better now. Your reactions may not have been my reactions, but reactions are learned. When Clint's reaction may have been to punch someone in the head; my reaction is to cut people out of my life at the drop of a hat because it's easier than constantly wondering if they hate me. When his reaction was to have a drink, my reaction is to hide and isolate myself.

Just the rantings of a crazy person...

[Pathologic]

I'm really sorry to hear about how angry the book made you feel. I think it's really understandable that you'd feel some resentment toward him because he's in such a privileged position that afforded him a lot more resources than you've had. I know I've sometimes felt similar things - that stories that people would consider inspiring coming from a public figure would sound like (as you said) "what a fuckup" if they came from me. I don't think you need to feel bad for feeling envious, but I'm glad that hearing him tell his story over a podcast has given you a different perspective on it.

I really hope you find some peace within yourself, because it sounds like you could really use it. I can identify with that feeling of wishing someone could just explain what's wrong with me in terms that really resonate, and it can be really frustrating to be given answers that don't feel quite right. I know you said you're wary of getting involved in a mental illness forum and that's understandable, but if you do choose to get involved I'd be happy you're here and I'm sure lots of other people would too

[manuel_moe_g]

When Clint's reaction may have been to punch someone in the head; my reaction is to cut people out of my life at the drop of a hat because it's easier than constantly wondering if they hate me. When his reaction was to have a drink, my reaction is to hide and isolate myself.

This part of your writing hit home for me.

Please take care Domino51, be self-loving, because you deserve it. You don't deserve the suffering you have experienced.

[Domino51]

Pathologic and Manuel_moe_g: Thank you for your kind words.

It wasn't my intention to make all my comments about the podcast to appear to be 'all about me'. I think I went on a bit of a tangent. My intention behind my thoughts was to divulge the fact that I judged someone that I shouldn't have. I dismissed Clint's suffering, to a degree, because of his place in life. I negated his pain because of the 'positives' that he has in his life, and that's not fair to do to anyone. Clint has had more than his share of pain and was brave enough to share his story; I admire that.

Pain is pain; it doesn't matter who is experiencing it.

I'm glad I listened to this podcast, and plan on listening to more. It does help to know I'm not alone...even if that feeling only comes from being online. One day I hope I can feel that in the 'real world' too.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

This was a really introspective and mature understanding domino. For what it's worth, I completely relate to your feeling of anger and resentment over this privilege that has been so hard to pinpoint. I think that's why I find it do hardtop relate to many of the guests, particularly the previous one who I had no empathy for. I would rather hear stories and experiences from listeners or the "regular folk" who maybe haven't overcome yet but are in the process. These podcasts are starting to make me angry and bitter.

Don't feel bad about making it about yourself. We all have that tendency. Even in how we come to empathize and care for others, we might do so because we visualize ourselves in the situation. It's part of what makes you a caring person.

Also wow, I have cut everyone out of my life and moved away. I literally run away from myself and reminders of my past. I want to do it again. I'm so ashamed, I don't like seeing people who "know" me at all. It's a really powerful impulse. See, there I go making things about me when it's about you making someone else's experience about you.

I really would like to hear from people who are "still fucked up" and not celebs a bit more. Right now... These just aren't putting me in a good place anymore. I only really listen for the surveys.

[Domino51]

IdentityPoltergeist: I couldn't agree with you more. I don't know if it helps me to listen to the famous people telling their story; I tend to judge although I try not to. People, without mental illness, tend to accept the stories from the famous, but if it was me, or some regular person, that same acceptance is not likely to happen. It's simply a fact. The stimga is still as strong as ever...

Stigma can only be diminished, from the 'real world', from people that are in the 'real world'; not just from people that are famous, privileged, and likely to be given a pass because they are seen as 'above'. I too want to hear from someone who is still struggling, suffering, and trying to make it through another day. Success stories are all well and good, but some people (like myself) haven't been so lucky to get to that grand place of 'peace of mind'.

[Jimmy]

I agree with a number of you about the huge advantages Clint had in his quest for health, however, I couldn't help notice that he wasn't a particularly bright or engaging interview and I felt sorry for Paul on a number of occasions. I can't recall an interview where I cringed as much over a guest's answers. Paul has interviewed hookers and drug dealers and all manner of outcasts, but most have been intelligent and at the very least articulate. Am I the only one who felt Mr. Malarchuk has taken too many pucks to the head?

[Domino51]

Jimmy:

Are there answers, in particular, that made you cringe?

I think one thing that bothered me is that many things he did (beating people up, being abusive, being selfish, being the tough guy) had a label of mental illness slapped on it, and somehow made it excusable. The other thing that bothered me is that he will never say, "I am an alchoholic"; instead says he self medicates. He has done previous interviews, in print, in which he stated he doesn't like the term mental illness, yet he is on a supposed crusade to diminish the stigma attached to mental illness. He seemed to be vague in his descriptions of the symptoms his mental illness (or whatever he wants to call it) other than OCD got him to the NHL.

I don't know why his book and interview still kinda of pisses me off, but it does. Maybe it's because when people, like him, tell their story publically I have a fear that people will think that mental illness is about being an asshole, drinking your face off, beating the shit out of people, and having no control over any of those things. People are not just their mental illness, people are personality too.

[gfyourself]

I was at the event, and was for the Scott Thompson interview as well.

While its great to meet Paul, and see him live - its worth the price of admission - I don't think that the types and lengths of interviews that Paul does work well in the live format. Further, part of the reason we didn't find out as much as we might with others is the length of the Toronto interviews are much shorter than the typical episode, and have a hard stop - in his average interview these issues don't exist.

[gfyourself]

Can't edit so'll post again. The live Laura House at LA podfest was good but she's a comedian and the i'view was more upbeat than a typical MIHH. It takes a very special person to spill their dirty guts to a live audience.

I liked what Domino51 said here - not sure exactly why:

I have a fear that people will think that mental illness is about being an asshole, drinking your face off, beating the shit out of people, and having no control over any of those things. People are not just their mental illness, people are personality too.