Falling A Thousand Feet Per Second

[Domino51]

The latest catch phrase "mental illness is a chemical imbalance that requires medication and is just like a diabetic needing insulin", or words to that effect. Bullshit! If that were true, then why isn't my life as it should be after I take medication? When a diabetic takes insulin, their deficiency is replaced, when I take a cymbalta, I get fat, and nothing changes.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of counsellors, I'm sick of doctors, I'm sick of insurance companies, and I'm sick of nobody understanding. What good does it do to bring up shit from the past? (over and over again). I went to my first appointment, of yet another round of counselling, on Friday. I have been in a high state of anxiety ever since. My insurance company thinks after eight weeks of therapy a 'return to work' plan should be put in place. They want me to go back to a place where I was bullied mercilessly, mocked, laughed at, gossiped about, ignored, and isolated. I reported all of this and what was the result? I was ignored. My emails were simply ignored. So, I'm supposed to go back to a place where I would have no support. Do they have any idea what it feels like to have your back against the wall and when you turn around nobody is there? I paid into disability insurance for over 25 years, and you know what? I'm disabled. Disabled from that job, and now feel as though I am disabled for any job.

I hate my fucking life. I have been through more than anyone person should have to go through. Fuck faith, fuck believing people are compassionate, fuck believing anything will change. And anyone reading this...don't think I haven't tried. I have. I take my fat inducing pills, I go to therapy, I look for information online, etcetera. I'm tired; I can't do it anymore. I feel sick, I can't eat, I have nightmares, I'm tired. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. If there was fairness, the 'powers that be' or whatever you want to call it would kill me. They would kill me and let someone that is sick and wants to live, live.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It may get read, once or twice, but that's about it. Same shit; different day.

Fuck you 'life'!

[littlem]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you haven't found the right medication or therapist yet--I think a lot of us understand how frustrating that process can be.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but sending you a big hug!

[Domino51]

Thanks for the feedback, but I'm done. I've been through this shit for too long. I have been debating, for a year, as to what to do and have made my decision. I should have saved myself the last year; oh well right.

All the best to those in forum land.

[littlem]

Really sad to see this message. I hope you are safe. Please reach out to someone. It's never too late.

[NoWireHangers]

My mother took Cymbalta for a brief time and became a stranger to me. She became suicidal and so desperate not to go on. She explained later how she felt like she was drowning every day. She switched to a new regiment of medication and said it felt like some rays of light finally shone through the eternal darkness. Please consider changing medication. Please know there are people here to help.

[Elmer68]

Your words cut to the bone. I don't have anything profound or interesting to say. All I have to say that sertraline helps me get through the day so I can say the there are some meds that work- for me. I am just one person. I have a twin brother who has multiple sclerosis (have it as well but I work full-time) and is on disability. His insurance seems to have paid for all of the meds he needed in the past.

elmer68