okay here goes hi

[Tintaglia]

I never know what to say on these things. Okay, I just started listening to this podcast yesterday and I've had so many moments where I've been like no shit? Me too! I don't even remember what exactly they were talking about in the Emily Gordon episode, but I just broke down and started bawling, which, admittedly, I do often.

That's my introduction right there. Hello, I am The Girl Who Cries. Damn, that would have been a good username. Oh well. You can find me in public bathrooms, office supply closets, at bus stops with tears and snot frozen to my face. I swear I don't do it on purpose, I swear. But that's what I've always been told. That I do it for the attention. And I started to believe it, and to really, really hate myself for it, but I still couldn't stop. I tell myself that the epilepsy and chronic migraines are why I can't hold down a job, but it's more my emotions than anything else.

Now I "work from home" as a "freelance administrative assistant", but I've made maybe[i/i] $2,000 this year. I feel like I'm leeching off my husband. It's hard for me to get out at all because I can't drive, but even if I could I probably wouldn't much. I feel like I must just suck to be around, like I don't deserve friends, like I'm some kind of freak of nature that doesn't even deserve to exist, like all the pain is my fault. If you're reading this, I feel bad that I'm wasting your time.

[weary]

Hi -
I don't know you. But I know that you deserve to exist, and you deserve friends. And you didn't waste my time. Sounds like things are pretty crappy for you right now. I can identify a lot with some of the things you wrote, not because I experience them, but because they sound a lot like things that my wife has experienced (I struggle in dealing with some of those situations by virtue of being married to her, just as she has to put up with my own crazy shit). You making the effort to reach out on here and post is important, because it means that you are interested and motivated to make some positive changes for yourself. I look forward to reading more of your posts. I think you will find a lot of common ground and support on here.

[rivergirl]

Hi Tintaglia,
I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I actually chose my name from a song about a girl who "cried a river". I cried my way through my childhood, college, grad school, and even occasionally the professional career I've had for the past 20 years. It's okay to cry, and it doesn't make you a bad person!

For 30 years I had severe chronic migraines that were not treatable with any of the common migraine drugs like Imitrex. I've found the only people who really understand migraines (as with so many other physical or mental conditions) are those who have experienced them. Chronic migraines ALONE are enough to make someone anxious and depressed! That you're also dealing with epilepsy is really a lot for one person to try to carry without a lot of professional and/or personal support. I've also read that migraines are often accompanied by depression, either due to a genetic link or because of the effects of living with the severe pain and disruption to your life that they cause. Some of the medications used to treat migraines also have depression as a side effect. I think migraines and epilepsy definitely have genetic links as well. Almost everyone in my immediate family has or had some combination of migraines or epilepsy, accompanied by anxiety and depression. All this is just to say that while I'm sure it is hard on your husband at times that you have these illnesses and issues, I'm also sure you didn't ask for them and you don't deserve them. Nobody who has experienced that kind of physical and mental pain would imagine that someone would ask for that.

I hope you'll keep seeking support and realize that you do deserve it and you deserve to have friends and love in your life.

rivergirl

[rivergirl]

p.s. To Weary - I didn't mean to discount the difficulty of your experiences with your wife. I've read some of your posts about that and I can relate to your side of the issues as well. I also don't recall if you said she has a medical issue in addition to the mental health ones? The first 10 years of my career were as a full-time untenured adjunct faculty member, and I can't imagine having dealt with that as well as your home situation with your wife. I was mainly commenting on what it is like to have a serious medical illness that isn't always preventable or very treatable, and is misunderstood by those not familiar with the disease as something that is easy to prevent or treat, or just a way for people to avoid responsibility. Between college and grad school I worked for a visiting nurse association, and there were people who could not work and required home RN visits for either severe migraines or epilepsy. The severity of those illnesses can vary a great deal, up to being very incapacitating. Fortunately new treatments have become available, but they don't work for everyone. It becomes very complicated and hard to sort out treatments and get the appropriate help when you have the medical and mental health issues together.

I hope that you have treatable forms of migraines and epilepsy, Tintaglia, and at the very least that you can get effective help dealing with those issues as well as the emotional burden that you're carrying. I've found people on this forum to be really kind and helpful. I hope you do too!

[Ella Menneau P.]

I thought I was the only one. I just cry all the time. Every day, ever since I can remember. I'm 47. Thanks for posting.

[fennec]

Yep, crying. It sucks. I wouldn't mind so much if I could just control it around other people. You know, like at WORK.

[Tintaglia]

Thank you so much for your responses! I already feel less alone.