Student, Veteran, Scribbly Black Ball of Anxiety

[albeus]

Hello all!

I am a 29 year old combat veteran. I am also currently in my second year of pharmacy school. This fall I became very stressed and anxious for a whole variety of reasons (coursework was difficult, we had to move due to a financial situation, my commute to and from school become much longer) and the stress triggered nightmares, insomnia, hyper-vigilence, and numbness. Also a difficulty to think and concentrate, which needless to say, has negatively impacted my school performance. All of these symptoms relate not specifically to an event that happened during my military service, but a home invasion/burglary attempt that happened a few months after I left the Army in 2012. I consider myself a fairly pragmatic and rational person, so I become extremely frustrated and mad at myself that I couldn't "get a handle on things." I recognized my symptoms as PTSD, but I felt guilt, and ashamed, because I told myself that I was overreacting, and that I shouldn't have any of these thoughts and emotions because my experience "didn't qualify" as worthy of this type of response. I hated myself, this spiraled into depression and negative, intrusive thoughts.

A few weeks ago I finally (with the help of my supporting, loving husband) gathered the courage to go the VA and ask for help. I am still coming to terms with having an "official diagnosis" of PTSD and depression. I started taking sertraline and prazocin, and have so far responded really well to both. I have a few side effects, but not anything major. Nothing worse than what I felt before. I also meet with a therapist/counselor/social worker (I don't know the difference?) once a week. That has been incredibly helpful to actually admit and confront my frustrations out loud, and to be heard. I have felt like I can't tell any of my military friends because they will judge me as being weak, overreacting, and I know that they have gone through much more serious, difficult situations. I feel like I can't tell any of my civilian friends or classmates because they will not understand and judge me. I don't want to tell my family because I don't want them to worry, or "walk on eggshells" around me.

And then last week I found this podcast. I honestly don't remember how I came across it, but I am a huge fan of Maria Bamford so I listened to that episode first. I immediately felt a sense of comfort, and that I didn't need to keep minimizing my own emotions. I now listen to an episode every morning and evening on my commute. I have gone from punching the car door and window, crying and trapped in my own frustration, to quiet and calm reflection. The isolating solitude of my morning commute is now filled with the warm, open, and honest experience of others. It is now the most peaceful part of the day. I am confronting a lot of things in my past I have done my best to block out. Next week I am going to talk to my counselor (the first time I will have ever told another soul) about the time I almost committed suicide by putting a gun to my head. I am so incredibly grateful that this podcast and forum exists, and I look forward to knowing the wonderful, amazing people in this community better.

I also have two finals left, and if I survive I will have somehow managed to pass the semester without failing anything. Wish me luck and thanks for reading!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello albeus, welcome to our little forum! Feel free to contribute by posting in any threads or topics, we are interested in reading your posts!

You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index.

The Maria Bamford episode is one of my favorites, beyond me being a big fan of her comedy.

Good luck with your finals, all the best, we are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[fennec]

Hi albeus! I love the subject line of your post. What a great description!

Thanks for sharing your story. I really connected to it - the self hatred for not being able to hold it together, feeling like your situation didn't warrant the extreme feelings, not being able to rationalize the feelings away. And it's really encouraging to hear how you're getting help. Good luck with school. Hang in there!

[albeus]

Hello Manuel, thank you for the encouraging words. Good news - I passed all my classes! Not my best performance, but I'm still here and now on winter break.
Hey there fennec! Thank you for the reply, it is so comforting to know that other people have similar experiences and struggles. I see that you also recently joined, I'm glad the community is growing!
Things have been going well for the last week, I even shared what I've been going through with a close friend. Contrary to the worst case scenario I had pre-built in my head, she was really supportive and caring. Today though, I was just off. Nothing really felt right, so I ended up laying on the couch most of the afternoon. While listening to the latest episode I decided why not check in on the forums. This is the most productivity I've had all day.