Subhuman

[rivergirl]

Failbot,
I'm glad to read your post today. I wonder if you might be able to go to a low-fee community clinic in your area and explain that you can't use your insurance because of family issues. I'm sure that isnt' an unfamiliar situation to them. But I get what you're saying about how impossible it can seem to even take a first step like that, or at times to even really want to get better any more. I've been at that place before in my life and even in the past few years since listening to the podcast. I kept listening and taking what seemed like unbelievably small steps. It didn't get better in a linear way and I'm still struggling but I know that I'm in a somewhat better place now than I was a couple of years ago. Most days I want to keep getting better. I hope that will happen for you too. Please don't give up.

Domino51,
This may sound weird but I felt so relieved to see that you posted in this thread. A while back I read your posts about one of the podcast episodes and they helped me, and when I later read the posts about your suicidal thoughts & plans I felt bad for you but didn't know how to reply. I understand the anger you're expressing at feeling dismissed or patronized or like you're bad for planning suicide. In the past I've felt so much anger at the psychiatrist who hospitalized me when I was suicidal and people who I love because those ties make it harder to carry out suicidal plans that I've had. I even felt blinding rage at some of the things that were written in the media about Robin Williams, and not just the obviously ignorant and cruel ones like "suicide is selfish" but even things like, "Oh, if only he'd known how much he was loved". I wished every single person who wrote those things could experience suicidal depression, preferably with the addition of a debilitating progressive illness such as Parkinson's. But on the other hand, I understand why Paul and Manuel_Moe_G can't allow the forum to promote or normalize suicide. I probably can't say anything that will seem meaningful to you right now. I just wish for you that something shifts for you the way it did for me at some point so that your life is less painful and ending your life doesn't seem like the best option to you.

Rivergirl

[manuel_moe_g]

I would say, fuck your family if they do _anything_ to get in the way of you not committing suicide or completely breaking down which is the next worst thing.

I know the feeling of things being so intense you want to throw up. Baby steps and ramp up the self-compassion. You don't believe you deserve self-compassion, so you will have to take our word for it - you deserve self-compassion, failbot.

Don't commit suicide. I don't care if I take shit for saying it. I don't care if I catch shit for posting anti-suicide links. Suicide as the wrong choice for me, it is the wrong choice for you. Get Paul to kick me off as moderator if you think I suck or if you think I am here to be patronizing to anyone.

But keep talking, failbot. The important thing is to keep talking, so if anything I say makes you want to shut-down, that is definitely not my intent. You have a right to your feelings and you have a right to keep the line of communication open. Keep talking, failbot, as you can see people are listening.

Maybe you might be interested in what I said to Snowball, which is the best advice I can think of http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=10059

Take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you, failbot, and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Low/No Cost Mental Health Resources

United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

If you are just needing someone with the chat with online, not a professional, there is a great depression chat room that usually has at least 40 different people, you can go and go private and discuss issues and just get stress off your chest. Here is the link:

depression-chat-rooms.org

Finally, here is a good summary of the precursors to suicide to help you understand yourself and others, it is from a PhD psychologist whose father committed suicide:

American Psychological Association - Thomas Joiner, PhD - Precursors to suicide, for yourself and others

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

[rivergirl]

To manuel_moe,
Just read your last post, wanted to clarify that my comments about it feeling patronizing, etc when someone tries to help a suicidal person is not because I think that you were actually being patronizing ... I think it is a reflection of the distorted way our minds can work when we are in the depths of depression that we react with anger or resistance even to those trying to help us. I'm thankful now that I had a psychiatrist who didn't give me an option about hospitalization, and for every other person who has ever given me a reason to stay alive. That includes you, Paul, and so many people posting here.

rg

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I am being a little too sensitive. It is just I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, because I have a boss here, and he wisely said that suicide is not a topic for exploration here. But then I don't want people to feel stifled or to feel that they have to feel ashamed of their true feelings or feel like they cannot contribute and feel heard. I wish I had more to offer than links, but sometimes that is all I can do, because I suck from time to time.

Keep rocking rivergirl, and keep contributing to the forum! It keeps people like failbot and domino from feeling alone, which is so awesome, because they deserve that much. I try, but I often mess up, so I need your help.

[failbot]

I never learned how to drive, and I can't just disappear for the four hours I'm sure it would take to take a bus back and forth from a therapy appointment or whatever. Lying makes me anxious anyway.

I really do appreciate the advice. I know I'm an asshole for shitting all over every good idea.

My family isn't all that bad as far as families go. They wouldn't stand in the way of me getting help. The problem is me. I don't want to bring this to them. I don't want to pile another burden when things are already so shitty. I feel so gross. I don't ever want anyone to see how gross I am.

I'm afraid I'm past the point where I can have compassion for myself. I'm afraid I'm a morbid fuck who just wants to see how shitty things can really get. I got my teeth cleaned last year. It was the first time I'd been to a dentist in almost ten years. They found eleven cavities and wanted to remove a few of my teeth. I haven't been back to get them fixed. I've got a mouth full of cavities and still eat way too much sugar. I'm afraid of losing my teeth, but I also kind of want that to happen. The more fucked-up I look, the less I'm tempted to try and fix myself. Because I've tried fixing myself and it always ends in painful failure. You should've seen me trying to floss. What a fucking joke.

I called a suicide hotline once. Nice people. The state trooper who showed up at my door was also nice. The ward I got locked up in was dirty and scary, though. The docotors and nurses there were not nice. I don't think I'll ever attempt suicide because I'd probably fail and end up in a shithole like that again. Worst night of my life.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are not an asshole. You are in pain. Please take care, and keep the lines of communication open.

You tried to floss. That is a first step to self-compassion. It is hard as hell to be self-compassionate, cut yourself some slack.

[Domino51]

[TRIGGER-WARNING: SUICIDE]

Failbot: All I can say to you is this...I realize reaching out for help is a scary thing so I suspect you will get help when the thought of not getting help is a scarier thought. I'm not one to say "things will get better", because I simply don't know that. Sometimes drugs help, sometimes therapy helps, and both are a choice.

Rivergirl: I'm glad I said something that meant something to you albeit I don't know what it was.

Manual_Moe: My comments were in no way intended to imply you lack the capability of being a moderator. I realize you are doing your job; I get that. My reaction was just that; my reaction. How I feel about something said to me is 'on me', not yourself. I meant to offence.

I guess I have a different view on suicide than others may have. I don't believe it's selfish. I'm quite sure the last person I would be thinking about would be myself. It would be the people for which I feel I am a burden. It's a choice; my choice. If I was 25 years old, maybe I could understand someone's shock at my thoughts on this. I am not 25; I am over 50. I have had depression and anxiety most of my life. I have a handful of people in my life of which I may see two, on and off. I simply feel that any desire to continue living is gone. Why is that wrong? People that are physically ill, and in pain, and want to end their life are given a level of compassion and understanding. It would be understood that those people no longer want to live in pain. My pain may not be physical but it is pain none the less. Pain is pain. I don't feel sad about wanting to end things, I simply look at it as a choice. I won't go into details that have brought me to this place, but to me there is a comfort that I have that choice. I'm not living anyways...I am existing. I have tried drugs, therapy, etcetera, it no longer provides a substantial relief. It's simply a fact. Just as it is simply a fact that I look at suicide as a choice; my choice. I may not do it today, or tomorrow, but I suspect it will be in the next year or so. And I'm okay with that.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I hear you Domino. It wasn't my intention to make you feel stifled in giving your opinion, because you are entitled to your own experience and feelings, and you deserve to be heard. It is just that the feel of this board is to help and to use an approach of helping. My anxiety along with my dreams of what I wished to accomplish with my life and my difficulty with relationships makes me ambivalent about being alive sometimes. But what I am trying to do is keep the lines of communication open, and to make people feel like they are not alone and that they feel heard. So I hope you feel heard and validated in your feelings, Domino, and that you feel safe to express yourself.

[Fargin]

[TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE] because of quoted text

I guess I have a different view on suicide than others may have. I don't believe it's selfish. I'm quite sure the last person I would be thinking about would be myself. It would be the people for which I feel I am a burden. It's a choice; my choice. If I was 25 years old, maybe I could understand someone's shock at my thoughts on this. I am not 25; I am over 50. I have had depression and anxiety most of my life. I have a handful of people in my life of which I may see two, on and off. I simply feel that any desire to continue living is gone. Why is that wrong? People that are physically ill, and in pain, and want to end their life are given a level of compassion and understanding. It would be understood that those people no longer want to live in pain. My pain may not be physical but it is pain none the less. Pain is pain. I don't feel sad about wanting to end things, I simply look at it as a choice. I won't go into details that have brought me to this place, but to me there is a comfort that I have that choice. I'm not living anyways...I am existing. I have tried drugs, therapy, etcetera, it no longer provides a substantial relief. It's simply a fact. Just as it is simply a fact that I look at suicide as a choice; my choice. I may not do it today, or tomorrow, but I suspect it will be in the next year or so. And I'm okay with that.

I'm truly sorry if my current or past posts is creating hostility, but this doesn't feel safe to me. I really don't want to hijack this topic, but it's incredible triggering for me to read, maybe because I grew up in a household with a mother, constantly announced her intentions to hang herself as a way to manipulate or terrify us kids.

On a larger note, we're not equipped to deal with somebody's suicide announcements and we're not suppose to. We're not a community of mental health professionals, who have a duty to react to threats of suicide, so we can just sit here thousand miles apart behind our screens and worry about you. Many of us has struggled with such thoughts and many of us still do, but there's a major difference between talking about thoughts or ideation and then actual plans.

Whenever you're putting it out there, even though you're okay with it, but you're also putting it on us and I don't feel that's okay.

[failbot]

I appreciate your perspective, Domino. I feel pretty similarly in that the idea of dying doesn't make me sad. I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid I might have to live with this pain for another sixty years. I guess that's why I still think about suicide even though I know I'll never do it as long as my family's still around. I've known people who've committed suicide. Nobody I was close to, but I knew them and their families well enough to know they never wanted to hurt anyone. I wonder if that went away in their last moments or if it was with them right up to the end.

Okay, I'm a little afraid of what might happen after I die. I stopped believing in God a long time ago, but I went to a Catholic school when I was young and it's hard not to be afraid of going to hell.