Do I deserve to have a type?

[tanglewood]

I am 29 years old heterosexual male and I have a type.

Should I though? It's not like I have a lot to offer.

I find every women beautiful but there are some women who appeal to me sexually more than others and that's what I mean by when I say I have a type. I'm a Korean born Australian and I am often turned on by western female, blonde, pale skin and short.

Surely I do care about what is inside: chatty, friendly, emotional and a sense of humour.

However, I often think that as long as I have a type I won't be able to find someone to love because It's not like I have a look of a movie star or a lot of money or a charming personality. I'm tall, I have that at least but nothing else I don't think I can offer to the people I'm attracted to.

I'm a well dressed man that compensates my not so musculine body slightly, I always manage a good level of self hygiene, believe or not I still need ID to buy beer (don't know if that's a good thing), I think I'm fun (don't know if other people find me fun as well but anyway), and there's a good chance of being employed after graduation from the university. I'd like to think I'm one of the average normal guy but I feel like I'm lying when I say that.

Instead, I have emotional luggage, issues from my past, horrible childhood and did I mention emotional luggage?

I feel like I'm being naive and dreaming when I have a type. How dare am I attracted sexually to only certain types of people, perhaps there's a reason why I'm single.

Really do I deserve to have a type?

[tinycarljung]

In a word: yes.

If you'll indulge me, I'd like to go into greater detail. I would say you are as deserving as anyone else of having "a type" but I'm not totally comfortable with the framing.

When we talk about having a "type", we're really just making observations and categorizing what we're attracted to, and by that definition a type isn't something you earn or are given: it's just the category that includes what you've found most appealing in others. Some people's type is "white males who have all of their teeth" and if that's genuinely the stuff that most appeals to them, that's all there is to it.

Here's where things get more complicated. This line stood out to me: "I feel like I'm being naive and dreaming when I have a type. How dare am I attracted sexually to only certain types of people, perhaps there's a reason why I'm single." I'm wondering what significance you put on having a type. Do you mean that you would reject a partner who fell outside that category, even if otherwise you were getting along well and seemed compatible?

Are you more concerned about being lonely or concerned about some nebulous expectation that poorly-defined "people" have about what you should/shouldn't be or do?

Just a final note: emotional luggage, past issues, a horrible childhood, etc. do not disqualify you from being in the "normal guy" group. Nor do they disqualify you from the "deserves to be loved" group, in case that's a concern.

[fifthsonata]

Ramble alert!

This is going to sound harsh and it's not intended to be - I really can't say any of us deserve anything. Our society is a construct - meaning, being "deserving" of something, finding a place in this world - humans came up with that idea. I realized, as I have gotten older, that the notion of me being deserving of anything has given me this false sense of entitlement and unnecessary heartbreak when those notions weren't met.

Instead, I consider it this way - we all want something. I WANT to be happy, I WANT a great job, I want a good relationship; I know all these things come with work. If I put a label on it, saying I deserve all these things, I'm more likely to blame myself and feel like I'm a failure as a person. I'm not saying you don't deserve to end up with something and I'm not saying you don't work hard to make yourself an ideal candidate - but, to put your self-worth in to this idea that you do or don't deserve to have a type makes you question your worthiness as a person.

You're naturally going to be attracted to your "type." Don't focus so much on what kind of person you want and just trust your instincts; they'll lead the way. If you feel like you're a failure and not deserving of a relationship, it's going to project in how you carry yourself whether you realize it or not.

So...I guess what I'm saying is yes, you do deserve love and to be happy, but don't put that qualifier on yourself. You'll only set yourself up for failure because you, like me, may be one of those who doesn't find their other half until later in life. Instead, work on you and your sense of identity - let that do the talking and don't try to push yourself into this box of what you think will attract a mate.

Work on being you and accepting who you are. The rest will come.

[tanglewood]

Just a final note: emotional luggage, past issues, a horrible childhood, etc. do not disqualify you from being in the "normal guy" group. Nor do they disqualify you from the "deserves to be loved" group, in case that's a concern.

Massive rumble alert!!

That is the main reason of this post and main concern I have when I see someone I like. I often go stiff and start to get nervous, the feeling that she will know how much I messed up at the moment I start speak. I have a friend who gave himself a mission of getting me a girl, and he would push me when he sees a girl of my type. So far, there have been a couple of attempts without a desired result yet.

Now, I partly forgot what I was going to say when I posted this .. I'm rumbling now and I often think I should forget about what I like or what I'm looking for in woman because I'm messed up .. yeah I think this is closed to the point.........

Thanks for kind words.

[Silentbutdeadly]

I think the key is that what you are attracted to physically is powerful but may change whereas the breakfast conversation you desire will probably not change. So look for both and be aware both are conditioned into you by your past experiences (add some freud to the minicarljung)

[expectations]

I often go stiff and start to get nervous, the feeling that she will know how much I messed up at the moment I start speak.

I know that feeling pretty well. I'm also a tall man, with a lot of bad things I think about on a regular basis. I think about my issues and worries, mostly that I always seem to be railing against the idea of family. I'm very afraid of rejection. My parents are divorced, I don't get along with much of my extended family, I constantly burden myself with shame and guilt of not embracing my family, and also shame myself for not seeing certain old friends, or them distancing themselves from me. A whole bunch of baggage! I'm tiring myself out thinking about it all haha

I meet a beautiful woman and I'm always at war with myself. If I'm really shaming myself, I just see me as this lanky clown, sobbing, snot coming down his nose, a tall adult baby who can't deal with his issues. It's incredibly hateful, it's inaccurate, and yet I find myself believing that sometimes. It's tough to deal with. I can find confidence to accept who I am in relationships, but it's so tenuous.

I think we both seem to have taken the feeling of rejection, from family, from friends, and from "failed" (in quotes for a reason) dates and relationships, and we have let it become an inevitability. We think it's only a matter of time before the people we pursue for a relationship will find out that there's something inherently wrong with us, and either stay with us out of pity or abandon us. But you can see how horrific this sounds, right? It's a living horror story, where every single person you meet further ruins your life. And it is a story.

So I guess I'm there, too, in a lot of ways, but I also know that it's all only one way of looking at things.