My first world problems

[derp]

Hi,

I'm 26 yo male from Australia.

Never felt this helpless. Feel like I'm getting worse and worse day by day. Right now all I want to do is hide. I have some idea of what I need to do, but can not bring myself to doing it.

I've been back in Australia for 2 months after travelling around India, Nepal and a bit of South East Asia by myself for 6 months. I had no contingency plan for my return back (wasn't planning on coming back for a long time) and now am feeling it. I went overseas thinking it was going to change me into a different person, I'd have some major epiphany about who I was and what I was going to do with my life but it didn't turn out that way. Coming back though I don't think I'd realised before how important other people are in my life, I used to have big big goals but I think I realise now that I was just compensating for a lack of genuine friendship (proper connections with people) and love in my life. It peaked about 2 months in, met such a good group of people, never felt so out there, confident and loved, I was the complete opposite of myself, the person I've always wanted to be. But over time things changed, the last 2 months of the trip I turned back into a hermit.

I moved from one side of the country to the other on my return thinking my job prospects would be better, plan was to make some fast money and leave the country again (meet up with the people I'd made friends with, they all live in various places in Europe). I've been looking for permanent work for a month and a half but nothing is coming. I've temped at a few different places but it's starting to get me down. This morning I was supposed to go to some factory, I drove in, found the place, drove around the block a few times, parked right in front of the place, but just couldn't force myself to go in. I drove back home, rang them, then told them I was sick, now I feel like an utter loser. I just couldn't force myself into doing it. I'd laid in bed all night just thinkin a million miles an hour about the situation I'm in, just paranoid, I couldnt sleep.

I feel like I could write a lot about how I've gotten to this point, but I don't have the energy and it's bound to be boring. Basically I think there was a point where I'd just given up on life, was willing to live the rest of my life as some sort of hermit. I was so shy, hated myself so much (which still hangs around, dont think I'm as bad, but generally I'm really insecure). From say between 19 to 23 I was a complete recluse but certain people got me out of that rut, made me realise I wasnt a peice of shit and things could be better.

I think I've been depressed for a long time but never really realised it, I always equated depression with sadness, not the emptiness and helplessness that I felt and am now starting to feel strongly again. Whenever I'd see my doctor for unrelated reasons, he'd always ask me if I was depressed, or on medication, I'd just been confused and then say what I was actually there for. I also figured I needed to help myself before someone could help me, like I needed to get really healthy and fit. I feel like the cycle I'm in though it won't happen. It's coming to a point now though like it never has before, I know I need help, but still feel like I need to wait before I can get it. Even though I'd never judge anyone for being depressed I can't help judging myself, when ever I think about it in a practical way I just feel like I'm weak. I've never felt so detached though, music, good tv and movies used to completely take me out of myself, but lately I just don't give a fuck.

If I could I'd leave for home right now, but I feel like I need to stick it out a bit more. I moved up here with my uncle and aunty, so everyone in my family knows what I'm up to. I'd feel so ashamed if I gave up after just a month and a half. They're not charging my any board at the moment either which just makes me feel twice as bad. I'm loafing off them. If I left now I would of spent a month a half rent free, I don't feel like I could do that. I came up here on a whim, they said "hey why not?" and i just said yeah without thinkin about it. My biggest resolution from travelin was that I couldnt go back to my hometown. There's nothing up here though I've realised. Some of the other resolutions I'd made overseas were that I need to get out more, I was thinkin go to gigs and comedy shows, but theres nothing like that up here. Also wanted to go to therapy, but I'm not sure what the quality of it would be like up here.

In my first couple of weeks back I didn't think I wanted to go travellin again anytime soon, but as soon as the reality of life hit me I wanted to go again, but just today I feel like it's competely gone again, I feel like I need to just figure this shit out before anything else (well I want a job first).

I feel like I could write more or write this better but it could take forever, for now I just need to vent. Both this podcast and Marc Marons have helped a lot in making me realise that I can do this, that I can get help and its going to be for the better. I just need to find the courage to do it. So thanks a lot Paul.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello derp.

I know I need help, but still feel like I need to wait before I can get it.

Please don't fall into this trap, I could have got serious about my depression and anxiety and changing my life 7 years before I finally did. Lost years are rough, you don't deserve to have to go through that.

I read your whole story, I am not qualified to help, but I honor your pain and I want you to know you don't deserve to feel this way. Please take care, all the best, we are all cheering for you!

[scarlito]

Even though I'd never judge anyone for being depressed I can't help judging myself, when ever I think about it in a practical way I just feel like I'm weak.

i know EXACTLY how you feel here, derp. for everyone else, i know that depression is a horrible stew made up of terrible seratonin reuptake in the neurons, and maladaptive coping mechanisms. but for me? im a weak, lazy failure who shouldve had a career by now. no matter that i suffer the same slings and arrows as my depressed brethren. MY depression is MY fault. of course, thats complete bullcrap, but thats what defines us, is our self-centeredness.

the best thing ive found is to not focus on becoming better all at once, but trying to figure out what the next best step is, and just focusing on succeeding in that. then i dont feel as powerless and weak in the end. but thats just what works for me. the great thing about taking this journey to mental health is finding what works for you, and embracing it as part of who you are. you will get there.

[dare i say it]

Both this podcast and Marc Marons have helped a lot in making me realise that I can do this, that I can get help and its going to be for the better. I just need to find the courage to do it. So thanks a lot Paul.

I can testify that any courage/hopefulness you can summon to reach out for help, and keep reaching out, will eventually pay off. I've never heard anyone recover from depression and later say, "That wasn't worth the effort." It is sooooo worth it! Godspeed. In the meantime, we are all hear to listen to anything you need to to get off your chest.

Dan