Just turned 40. Depression & anxiety still holding me back

[BooksAreNifty]

Hello everyone

Depression and anxiety have been part of my life since I was a teenager. I have been on and off meds for years, trying to function without them and at times slightly functioning with them. Zoloft, prozac, celexa and my current medication...Lexapro. I have never tried to kill myself but sometimes I feel hopeless or imagine it might be easier, but I would never do that to my child. For the last ten years I worked, went to school and raised my son as a single parent. I turned 40 last October and finished my teaching credential in December. I actually reached my goal, which I am proud of. But now that I achieved it, I am feeling extremely depressed and anxious about finding a teaching job. I want to apply to grad school but wonder if it's just a waste of time.

I'm feeling this crazy mid-life sort of crisis, when at the same time I feel like I really haven't lived. I don't have a legit career, no retirement, no savings. I have been living off of school loans for the last few years so I could finish my degree and teaching credential. I've been living with my parents while I finished school so that I could be home to parent when I have my son. I have two failed relationships (a six year marriage and a 6 1/2 year long term relationship) that make me feel like I will never have anything with a man that will last. I have been single for a year and a half and dating has been a disaster. I broke my shoulder last year during a fall and had surgery, still in physical therapy and have some pain. I live 500 miles away from where I grew up and despite living in my new home a while now, I don't have many friends.

So often I feel like nobody understands what I am going through. Whenever I meet someone and we begin dating, I am pretty forthcoming about having anxiety and depression, but it has been met with nothing but judgement. I can't talk to my friends back home because they are all busy raising their gaggles of kids. I am going to be seeing my doctor to try to work on either upping my meds or combining them with something. Since last year I have felt lower than I have in a long time, when I am busy I don't think about it much but now that I have all this free time it's hitting me again and I'm afraid I will get so bad I wont be able to get it together enough to find a teaching position. I try so hard to think positive, not hate myself, be social and do all the things I should be doing but it's a daily struggle.

Thanks to anyone who has read my late night ramblings. I look forward to connecting with people and helping each other if possible.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello BooksAreNifty, welcome to our little forum! Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here.

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I am proud of you that you got your teaching credential while being a single mother. This is objective evidence of your considerable self-worth as a person, and you can use this as a basis to be self-loving to yourself. I am sorry you have met with judgement when you were honest about your mental health struggles.

Please take care, know you are not alone, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[BooksAreNifty]

Thank you! I'm happy to be here.

[LimitedAdventure]

Yes, BooksAreNifty, the social anxiety thing is a suuuuper huge roadblock to creating relationships. I know, I have the same thing, technically I have anxiety-based depression, but social situations always always always trigger anxiety in me.

So, I just wanted to drop a quick note to remind you that You Are Not Alone. I've been dealing with it all my life, and been in therapy for it since 2010.

It's hard to learn social ways as an adult, after having had no friendships or relationships as a child. It's like learning a second language. And, I'm getting to a point where I'm finally just accepting that I may go this whole way alone. And, giving myself permission to be OK with that, in case that's the way I finish out. And, my therapist says that in acceptance, I might ironically start putting out a different vibe, and someone might actually approach me.

I'm very tall and very anxious, and that is just an unfortunate combination to have in life. And, I get sad sometimes about being alone, like last time on Modern Family they had an episode called, I think, "I Almost Died Today," and there was, like, a near-miss in the car, and the families all had a group hug at the end and shared how they almost died that day. And, that got me a little bit, because I don't have a family, or even a group of friends as a support system to go to when something happens. Every once in awhile, something gets me. So, I know what you're going through.

[BooksAreNifty]

Limited Adventure, thank you for the kind words.

The funny thing is, when I was a kid I did pretty well socially. I had a lot of friends, I was involved in a lot of things outside of school too. I had a big family (my mom is the oldest of 8 kids and I had tons of cousins) and we spent time together almost every weekend. Sometimes I feel like I have gone backwards in a way. I have my parents and my son, but I am not close with any of my family anymore. I live far away from most of them.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with your own issues. It's never too late though, I have to tell myself that. It's good you are working on it, it's inspirational. You never know what could happen.

[LimitedAdventure]

Thank you BooksAreNifty. Ya know, rereading your original post, I'm so sorry I projected on you there! I read it, and... well, you said nothing about social anxiety, but my brain managed to convince me ya did! Wow, some days my dysfunction is so spectacular I even amaze myself!

Since I'm here just wanted to say I think that what you've done is very, very, VERY impressive. You raised a son and put yourself through school and have a teaching credential, that's a huge combination of accomplishments!

My therapist is always saying to remember to be compassionate to yourself, so give yourself props! I'm sorry you're having the experience of meeting so many people who, as far as I'm concerned, sound quite judgmental and thick. Is it ironic to judge someone you've never met to be judgmental? Well, I just did it, maybe I need to go fuck myself.

It's easy to let people like that kind of get up into your head and create self-doubt, but try to keep in mind they're probably like that because they have their own issues they don't want to think about. The last thing they want to do is look inside themselves, so they look everywhere but, and you can never win with them because they'll always find something wrong, no matter what.

[BooksAreNifty]

Limited Adventure,
Don't worry about it, I do have my own issues with social anxiety too. I really appreciate what you said. I know one of my major problems is that I am very hard on myself. I am so forgiving and understanding with other people but not myself.

It's good that you have found a therapist that is helpful.Do you feel like you are making progress? I have never had a very good experience with anyone. The last one I saw in 2013 after I ended a 6 1/2 year relationship made a comment "You're still upset about that?" when I said I was still having some issues from the breakup only a few months earlier. So often it feels as though my feelings are never valid.

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi BooksAreNifty, oh my that seems to be a terribly insensitive thing to say to a client. Dismissive and really kind of lazy.

I'm blessed, I found my current one after only three tries, and each therapist I found got progressively better, but it would take me years in between attempts, myself. So, I'm tempted to say, don't rush the process, and take it at the pace you're comfortable with, and give it another shot only when you're up for trying it again. I agree it can be very discouraging.

I agree with you, that, if a therapist says something particularly insensitive or thoughtless or dismissive first session, that it's the best to do as you did and step away. I suppose others might feel it's best to hang in there and try for a few sessions. Not sure on that but fwiw I agree with you, after something like that I wouldn't be back, myself.

[BooksAreNifty]

That's good that you didn't have to spend years trying to find a good therapist. I might try to find someone again once I get some decent insurance again.

I don't think it's right to be dismissive about anything a client says they feel, even if it IS irrational. But I know I'm not weird for feeling sad about a breakup a couple months after ending a 6 1/2 year relationship/engagement even if I was the one to end it.

I feel so often that people in my life are the same way, sort of blowing off how others feel and minimizing it. Why do people do that to each other? I dated a guy in October that was younger than me (30) and wanted to become a doctor or P.A. and when he found out I was taking anti-depressants he was so weird about it. He said "I don't take any medications if I don't have to." I felt so judged and like I was a freak. I never heard from him again after that either and I wonder if that was part of it. When did we become a society where everyone has to be so damn cheery every minute???

[LimitedAdventure]

I'm sorry to say that there are a ton of people out there who are just looking for an opportunity to cut someone else down, any chance they can, no matter how far they have to reach to do it.

All that being said, I do believe there are good people out there. I even still believe there are many of them. But I think because of this reality TV/red carpet/internet snark culture we're in, a lot of people see people being judgmental and snooty and cruel on TV, and then they think that makes it OK to do in real life.