Just your run of the mill anxious gal!

[BlackHole]

Hi QuirkyBallerina!

I'm a SoCa gal myself. Medi-Cal is indeed a friggin' nightmare. Once you're in, it's great. My husband will tell you so. But I can't get them to process my application for the life of me. So I've got HealthNet through Covered CA. They pay all but $5 of my $200/month premium. I'm out of work and my husband's income isn't enough to get us through, so I was able to get premium assistance. Not sure if you've given them a call, but if not, I'd highly recommend giving Covered CA a try. Plus, they can't turn anyone down for having pre-existing conditions! Hooray!

Anywho, NAMI.org is a great resource for finding self-help groups that are free of charge. I found one near me that meets every Monday. Have I gone to it yet? No. My fear of leaving the stupid house has held me prisoner, but the group is there. Also, dialing 211 from your telephone will connect you to social services and they can also refer you to low or no-cost services. Catholic Charities might be able to hook you up with free and/or sliding-scale therapy (you don't have to be Catholic or religious at all, for that matter). You can also try contacting your county or city mental health department. And one last suggestion, see if you can get ahold of a school that may offer low or no cost therapy offered by students in therapy-related educational programs. The students need to log so many hours of fieldwork before they can be licensed. I know this because my mommy is a marriage and family therapist. Now, mind you, the students may be new to the field, but their knowledge is fresh and so is their desire to do good.

Good luck to you!

[BlackHole]

I forgot to post one more resource! Meetup.com has groups of people from all walks of life and in many geographical locations. There's a group for everything: outdoor activities, crafting, dating, breastfeeding, depression, anxiety, etc., etc.. You name it, it's there. And these are groups formed by the people, for the people. They're not facilitated by anyONE or anyTHING. Just good old fashioned fellowshipping.

[QuirkyBallerina]

That sounds like a good idea! Surrounding myself around positive people in general is a good thing I am still trying to find a new place, I'm not excited by the prospect of moving home but my triggers are getting worse here with the ex because of the break up. Case in point last night.

My roommate who I dated and who may have been a big cause of break up with ex that I still have (had) feelings for have been working together. Last night was their shows wrap party. I went one year which is when I met my ex and when we first fell in love. Last year ex didn't go but roommate went with his then girlfriend. This year roommate brought 2 girls he met online and my ex was there and kept giving thumbs up to roommate and being nice to him. Roommate kept texting me this while I was at a party, having fun in a great new hat and cool red lipstick... feeling confident but I had been up since 4am, tipsy and I lost it. I just broke down sobbing and these strangers are comforting me and being just lovely and I cried more because of the kindness. Then I got pissed at ex. How can he be so nice to roommate but so mean to me? Why did he call me then never call me back? Well I called him... and left 2 drunk messages... and there were a bunch of like 15 second dialing... they were not mean but probably tearful and just asking how he can have such kindness towards this person but me who he said he cared about, how can he be so cold to me? I told him he was mean... nail in coffin of us talking again I bet the only thing I pray for is that he either didn't listen to them or we still have each other blocked..... the food was really good at the birthday party though...

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi QB, I just wanted to throw this out there. I have no idea if it would help you. I just picked up the book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. I never thought it would pertain to me, but it totally does.

The book is written in a comforting tone, it's not judgmental at all, at no point did I freak out. And it's written in a very readable, understandable way. And it explains how a person comes to be Love Avoidant or Love Addicted. Let's see... starting with the very beginning where it's "A Note From the Author" on page IX, and going thru page 21, the end of Chapter 2, I had a world of understanding open up to me.

Just me, just throwin' it out there. I wish you well and remember you are not alone.

[QuirkyBallerina]

I should be more open minded to it, but the thought of a book like that does rub me the wrong way... see I know people who HAVE to be in relationships and cannot be alone. I have pretty much always been alone. My first relationship was for 6 years. After we broke up I was raped and stranded in a strange city... then a whole lot of nothing, 2 friends with benefits, my roommate who was VERY hot and cold with me and then finally my last ex who was the best to me, but broke up with me in a bad way and I am having a hard time getting over him... I don't trust men very much and am taking the year off... I am saying no to any date and I know why. I don't WANT to date, I need to work on me and with that time I am hoping to be able to trust men again.

Could you tell me more about the book and what you got out of it? It's just when I heard "love addicted" I think 'but I RARELY date, how can I be addicted to something I don't have" it reminds me of my mom. She is the child of an alcoholic so if you have more than one glass of wine she gets nervous and says 'you are drinking too much, don't be an alcoholic!!"

[LimitedAdventure]

I completely understand, QB, "Love Addiction" sounds like a bit of a loaded phrase. I think that if even my therapist suggested a book with that title I might have felt a jolt and asked, "What are you implying?"

Well, let me see if I can take a crack at breaking it down in a concise, and hopefully fairly accurate way that kinda takes the sting out of those two words.

If a child is emotionally abandoned, and doesn't get proper emotional support, that child could grow up to become a Love Addict, or a Love Avoidant.

So, Love Addict first. Let's say you're a child growing up and you don't get a complete attachment to a parent, or you don't get emotional support or guidance from your parents, or, even worse, you get good emotional support from a parent, but then that parent leaves. That sets that child up for Love Addiction later in life. Later, when that adult encounters another adult who happens to be emotionally supportive, the Love Addiction gets activated, and the Love Addict makes that person a priority above all others, putting all their energy into that person, so that they can fill that void created by the childhood emotional abandonment.

Now for the Love Avoidant. A person who is Love Avoidant doesn't get emotional support either as a child, but for a different reason. The Love Avoidant was enmeshed as a child, meaning the child either needed to, or was asked to, function as an adult, way before the child's brain was developed enough to do so. Some ways that enmeshment can occur include parents who can't take care of themselves, or there's an abusive father and a submissive mother and the child takes on a protective role, or the child had to self-parent because the parents were physically absent much of the time. Another way to enmesh a child is to treat the child like an adult and bring the child into adult household decisions that are being made, or one parent treats the child as kind of a surrogate spouse, Paul has talked about this on the show. There are so, so, so many ways to enmesh and commit emotional incest (I'm sorry I'm not quite clear on the difference between those two) on a child, I'm sorry if I'm not describing it totally clearly, the general idea is if the child needs to behave like an adult before it's an adult, then that child becomes enmeshed, and later will grow possibly into a Love Avoidant. Because to that child, love means huge responsibility. And to complicate it further, since being needed by needy people is familiar to the Love Avoidant, and we humans are drawn to the familiar, then that child, as an adult, will be drawn to the needy Love Addict.

So, in life, when a Love Addict and Love Avoidant get in proximity to each other, they are drawn to each other, and eventually their Love Addiction and Love Avoidant circuitry will become activated, beginning the dynamic. The Love Avoidant wants to take care of the Love Addict but only conditionally, and from behind an emotional wall. The Love Addict loves the attention and the care that comes from the Love Avoidant and so, not knowing any better, tries to get closer physically or emotionally to the Love Avoidant. The Love Avoidant then starts to recall feelings of enmeshment from childhood, and after a short time, pushes the Love Addict away. But then the Love Avoidant will start to feel feelings of abandonment, so then the Love Avoidant re-approaches the Love Addict. The Love Addict is excited to be approached again, and so responds in kind, and the Love Avoidant flees again. And the cycle continues. I think this all happens pretty much subconsciously in both participants. The condition generates impulses that the Love Addict or Love Avoidant act on and follow, but they don't know why they're having those impulses.

Emotional abandonment has a delayed, insidious effect on a child. Parents, don't fucking do it.

There is more to the cycle, those are just the broad strokes. It is interesting, and I urge everyone to read it because if you yourself isn't love addicted or avoidant, you may know someone who is. Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. And, once you get into it it is fascinating. A person can have traits of both Love Addiction and Love Avoidance. The nuances are endless, but the book not only describes the characteristics and the causes, it offers specific steps to help you recover from Love Addiction or Love Avoidance. And it does it all in a super kind way.

And, if I'm wrong about any of my explanation, I sincerely apologize, this is completely new material to me, and I may be off on some of this stuff so please feel free to correct, my feelings won't be hurt.

[QuirkyBallerina]

I appreciate the explanation and I bet it will help a lot of people!! However, I have to genuinely say that I am not under that umbrella. Right now I have no interest in dating due to my living situation, focusing on career AND that the fact that I don't honestly know if I want to date men anymore.... I have always been bi and okay with it, however I am feeling more drawn to and more comfortable around women. I may end up with a woman or single to be honest. Maybe I need to thank my ex for that? Maybe him being in my life and doing what he did was what finally made me realize I'm gay?

[LimitedAdventure]

Well, QB, I'm wondering if your ex might be Love Avoidant? Even though you're not Love Addicted, it's possible that he could be a Love Avoidant, and that would still get that frustrating, exhausting cycle started.

[QuirkyBallerina]

He could be absolutely! The girl who stole him from me (I know it sounds over dramatic but this is just what I pieced together from the little facts I have) has been with him now almost a year and SEEM happy but I don't know the specifics of their relationships. He seems different with her than me... but that smile he has in pictures of them together is the same exact one he had with me.. so who knows.

[QuirkyBallerina]

I found out from my roommate that he got into a motorcycle accident and I posted on FB that I was worried about him. Ex went to roommate and told him to stop gossiping and then he deleted his reddit where we were still friends... I know that it logically was NOT because of me but it's hard not to feel that way. My friends and mom keep telling me to date and find someone new, but I just can't. I am so angry that his new GF has the relationship I wanted while I am stuck with guys who can't even admit we dated... luckily I have some live in nanny interviews so I can get VERY far away from this place. I am also going to a lesbian mixer tomorrow. I have to say if I can't date my ex I want to date women....My comfort and attraction level is so much higher with ladies.