Subhuman

[fifthsonata]

I want to second Sherlock - people know when there's something wrong. My coworkers did. One of my parents did. My friends did.

I asked a few why they never said anything, but they all laid it out - they DID say something. I was just too lost to realize it. I mean, what do you do for someone who doesn't realize the extent of what's going on in their head, but is still functional enough to complete their daily obligations? I dismissed so many of them and isolated myself so heavily I had no idea they even tried.

I finally was forced to let a few in to help me, and I was so fucking stunned, shocked, and humbled at how they helped me. It wasn't overwhelming and I got lucky that I had one friend who would just let me come over and sit on her couch, in silence, watching movies with her. Those nights I didn't want to talk but I knew I needed someone - it was a huge help.

I was what....25 or 26 at that time, I think.

It was the worst, most humiliating thing I had encountered when I went to the mental health ward. It was so terrifying to call a counselor for the first time, on my own, that I spent the morning vomiting before I finally got the nerve. It took me about 3 weeks before I could get myself through the door, and during my first real, official sessions with a counselor, I was so anxious I couldn't talk and yeah, I barfed a few times then.

I only say all this because I want to share at let you know that I have also experienced that crippling, overwhelming anxiety of asking for help. Riding every reason I could think of not to - I wasn't worthy, I'm horrible, these people don't understand what kind of fuckwit I am, I'm not "sick" and I'm just a weak pathetic shithead who can't manage like a real adult - and while my shame is still overwhelming, it's gotten easier to ask for help.

I have faith you will get there someday. Your continuous posting here, talking, verbalizing....tells us something. You don't want to deal with this anymore. Eventually I know you'll hit that point when you reach out. It's only a matter of time. After that? It will be hard as fuck but it will be worth it.

[failbot]

Two days after recommitting to eating better and exercising, I've eaten so much sugary crap I have this awful sharp fucking stomach ache. Nice work, fatass. That's what you get for thinking you could do something.

There is no hope for me, just an endless cycle of try-fail-try-fail-try-fail. The good feelings never last, they're lies and I only feel them so I can feel even worse later. I'm broken. I deserve this. I deserve to suffer. I only wish it were worse, that I could really feel something and then maybe my life would have meaning for a second. Because it's all meaningless. There's no point. I'm sorry. I wish I could follow all your good advice, but I can't. I can't do anything.

If I could pick just one thing to do right it'd be to kill myself. I'm so sick of this awful fucking world.

[manuel_moe_g]

Failbot, your depression has you in the grips of all or nothing thinking, take baby steps to improve, the smallest possible steps, there is real value and peace there.

Please take care, keep the lines of communication open, all the best.

[Sherlock]

You're so in the clouds of despair you don't realize how many people out there want to help you; people right now voicing our concerns on this forum. People out there you've never met before. People in your family you don't think you deserve to reach out to.

You are not crap for eating badly, and you are not crap for failing when you try. So many people do the same thing and are not nearly as hard on themselves as you are right now.

It's never hopeless; you have life. Life is hope for something better. I used to think, "What if my life is one of those 'pathetic' ones--just always shitty?" But then I see friends. I meet people. I have people in my life I admire so, so fucking much. I go to therapy and my therapist, or even my psychiatrist, sees me and my suffering but also my triumphs, my strengths, and they put my ducks in a row and can tell me what to do. Even if I die tomorrow, I know how much I will be missed, how much everyone will say it was a waste and I had so much potential. I want to live up to my potential: I want to make my life what it should be, rich with disappointments and happiness both, and full of the people I love and people who understand me.

People make your life meaningful. You are not an island; people are all around you. Don't project onto them what you feel about yourself--"I am worthless, therefore they think I am worthless." I guarantee if you fall to the floor in say a coffee shop under some mysterious circumstance, passed out, most people are going to rush out of their seats and a lot of them are going to call 9/11 all at once. People value life, even if in some way it's a fear of mortality. Humans HATE hearing about the death of other humans, and I know for myself, it's not with the thought of "I will die someday" but "What a waste--they could have done so much more. Their families must miss them so much."

Have you heard of mirrorneurons? Humans have a natural chemical system in them that draws us to empathy--these have to be fostered and learn as we grow up as children, but most people are sympathetic and empathetic. Our society, in my opinion, bars us from being truly empathetic and sympathetic... but there are a lot of people very much in tap with this feeling.

Life has so much more meaning than death. Beyond death there is nothing for you. In life--it can go in SO many directions. You don't know how or when you are going to die. You have to fight for yourself, you have to find the worth that's already there: YOU ARE ALIVE. Do you know how much of the fucking solar system is just DEAD? WE live in an EXTREMELY special planet and we are an EXTREMELY special species. I value you JUST BECAUSE you are human, Subhuman.

Please don't throw your privilege of being alive and human away. There's so much to experience, so many people to meet, so many places to go, so many thoughts and revelations to have--you just have to believe you can have it. Please believe there is so much more to life than there is in death. Please, do not leave us.

[failbot]

Goddamn it, how does life manage to keep getting worse. What the fuck. My uncle's getting so bad. I think he's going to die soon. All my mom does is cry. There's nothing I can do make things better. I've got so much shit pent up inside of me and I'm so tired and I fucking hate this. I can't believe my life is such a nightmare. People are going to miss my uncle. I wish I could die instead.

[rivergirl]

I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle and all the sadness you & your family are going through. You don't deserve to be in so much pain.

[Earthart]

I have been where you are. It's most difficult when you are younger. I'm 65 and was shot by my father before the age of 4. I have wandered in the desert all of my life with PTSD, depression, anxiety, phobias, unwanted thought syndrome, night terrors, panic attacks, and addiction to anything that makes me feel better. I couldn't hold a job in my 20s and 30s. I had a an almost full time job for 5 years. 8 hrs a day, 4 days a week. My next full time job started when I was 41 years old and I worked there 20 years, which was a miracle in its self.
I find I almost impossible to reach out to other people but I do it maybe once a week at my 12 step meeting. I feel that it's a safe place as I've been going to the same meeting for 10 years. There are only 2 or 3 people I trust with my feelings. I also can reach out by emails to people.
You say you can't or won't reach out but you have done just that by posting here. You are not worthless as you post has helped me and I sure many others. Stop trying to help yourself maybe start trying to help other people like you have done here. You are not alone we are not alone in our struggle to be happy, joyous and free.
Linda

[Earthart]

I just wanted to say there are OA meetings that are free and everywhere. It's a 12 step program. I found it very difficult to work the steps especially the part about God but I still benefit from the program. I take what I need from it and I don't worry about the steps that make me want to throw up. The ones I can't adhere to. The program still works. You can't make yourself go? Ask someone to go with you or go online. I believe there are online meetings. You can talk to me if none of those ideas work for you. You will help me by reaching out to me because I hate reaching out to people in person. It's too hard it makes me sick just thinking about it. I'm afraid to expose myself because I hardly trust anyone. I would appreciate you or anyone on the forum to reach out to me.
Earthart = Linda

[failbot]

I've really been eating like an asshole. I wonder what'll happen first, me getting diabetes or my teeth falling out. My whole life is bad feelings feeding other bad feelings feeding other bad feelings. It's a circle of shit. I'm numb right now, not even sad. Not feeling suicidal because there's nothing I care about enough to kill myself over.

I'll just keep doing the same thing I do every day until someone makes me change. And then I'll just go along with it like I always do for as long as I can until I crack under the pressure and bail like I always do. Then things will be worse, but fuck it, I can handle worse. I've been handling worse for pert near ten fucking years. I'm just sitting back now watching my dumb ass. It's all a sick joke to me. I'm a morbid creep and I don't have the will to try and cover it up anymore. Fuck getting help, fuck getting a job, fuck having friends, fuck having a life, fuck getting in shape, fuck being creative, fuck being smart, fuck being a good son, fuck changing my clothes, fuck taking showers, fuck glib-ass David Burns and his stupid shitty book, and most of all fuck me. Fuck me for forever and ever.

I've been on this course too long. The only thing I've ever committed to is being a negative asshole and a waste. That's what I've been practicing, that's what I'm 'good' at. I'm done flirting with positivity and wellness. Nothing touches me anymore.

I can't remember what it's like to really feel anything. That's so weird. Have I ever really felt anything, or have I just been pretending all along?

[manuel_moe_g]

I agree, David Burns is pretty far from the "state of the art".