Chicago Girl's Breakup Diary

[ChicagoGirl]

The End
"Ok." He looked up from his beer, where he had been staring. Cogitating. "I don't know what to say, except...this sucks."

This is how it ended. A year of learning, growing, loving, crying, fucking, cuddling, traveling, giving, taking. And, uh, this sucks.

"Well..." I started talking when he froze again. "Then, what I'd like to do is come by your place on Monday, while you're at work, and I'll exchange our stuff."

He nodded, muttered something about how he hoped I didn't regret all of this. And that...well...this sucks.

He went silent and I waited, giving him a chance to say something else he needed to say. And when he didn't, I said, "I guess this is it." I slipped on my coat and put my bag on my shoulder.

I kept waiting for anything. ANYTHING. Any sign that this more than sucked. Any sign that he didn't want this to happen.

You know what sucks? Uh, a stupid boss that gives you a shit ton of work. 20 inches of snow. Seeing that you've just missed your bus. Breaking your favorite pair of shoes.

A relationship ending doesn't SUCK.
A relationship ending hurts like a mother fucker. It's something horrible and painful.

I wanted him to say just one thing, just ask one question - anything - to show that this didn't just suck. That this was tearing him apart. That maybe...we could look at it from just one other angle and try just one other way. One last time. At least we could consider it.

But he didn't say anything. He let me walk away. He didn't try to stop it. Or delay it. Or understand it. Or question it. Or fight it. He didn't want me enough to say one goddamn thing.

He went back to staring into his beer.

"Goodbye, Michael."

I think I heard him say goodbye back.

This sucks.

Right Now Truths that I know are not Forever Truths

I will always feel this way
I will never find true love
I will never get married and I will never get to have kids
I will die alone. My 10 cats will probably eat me.
I deserved this
Something is wrong with me
People will know something is wrong with me
I am unwanted
I am too much of a mess to find anyone else who will put up with my craziness

What I lost
Cable TV. God damn it. Game of Thrones starts soon.
Expensive dinners at wonderful restaurants.
A thousand inside jokes.
Someone who would snuggle with me all. fucking. night.
Sex several times a week
Flowers. He sent me so many flowers.
Someone to cook with
Someone to read to me
Someone to text, call, tell all the stupid shit to
His car. His fucking car.
Someone who would pick me up from the airport or my parents place or anywhere
Someone I could imposition
Someone who could imposition me
A standing date for anything
Knowing I was never more than a day or two away from seeing someone who loved me
Every weekend together
Getting to put together surprise gifts whenever the mood struck me
The future I thought I was going to have

What I gained
Freedom from putting his job first and always coming in second
Freedom from waiting, waiting, waiting - constantly waiting to hear from him
Not having to work through our problems week, after week, after week
The chance to start new and try out all my new skills with somebody else
More time for myself and my friends
The possibility of sex with someone who has an actual, man-sized dick.

The Slough of Despair

This isn't fair.

This. Isn't. Fair.

The Bible says that the sins of the father will carry on to the 3rd and the 4th generation. But what about the sins of the other father? And the mother?

I am carrying the sins of all of them and it isn't fair. I grew up in a chaotic home. A broken home. Alcoholism, bi-polar, depression, drug abuse, narcissism, co-dependency, covert sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse. My life was threatened by the Vietnamese mafia. I have helped change the locks on my own house. I have called the police on my step-father. I don't know if my birth father is really dead.

The chaos is in my genes. And it is in my daily life. And I barely made it out of there. My brother didn't. He is trapped. Like a prisoner of war.

I know that I am afraid of rejection to the point of absurdity. I know it is hard for me to be truly vulnerable. I know it is hard for me to trust. I know I can be wildly oversensitive, incredibly needy, wickly fearful, madly hypocritical. I know that I can futurize myself into destruction. I know that I have unatainable expectations.

And I could sit here and give you very specific reasons for all of them. I could tell you that my Mom's marriage was so miserable that I developed a rabid fear of being trapped in a relationship like that and everything I see in my relationships feels like a warning sign that I'm going to end up like her. Or that life was so chaotic that there wasn't room for me to express myself, because Mommy was too upset or Papa was too drunk, so I learned not to share who I am.

But I know the reasons and I've probably written them all down somewhere else. The point is that I have worked my ass off trying to break those chains. Yoga and therapy and meditation and journaling and AlAnon and any self help book I can get my hands on.

And yet here I am. Alone. Unloved and unwanted. The one place I have tried so hard not to be. So. Hard.

It feels like I will always work and never come to a place where I am good enough. Not fixed. But good enough to be loved.

Why are we punished for the sins of our parents?

And how long will the punishment last?

Ugliness

My apartment looks like a crack house.
Wine bottles and mugs filled with cigarette butts.
Clothes layering the floor like a second carpet.
I can't remember the last time I changed my underwear.


Still Waiting
I can't believe he didn't try to stop me.
I keep thinking an e-mail will pop up, with all the words he couldn't say last night.
Or a text begging me to have one last conversation with him.
Every time I hear someone in the hallway I stop, thinking it could be him.
I know that secretly, I am hoping he will leave me a letter when I come to his place to pick up my things. Or better yet - he will just be there waiting for me.
I know that in reality he won't.
And I will be devestated.

Apathy
I made an "I Want" list for a few years.
It's the most magical thing I've ever done.
I write down anything I want. Anything in the whole world. The kind of job I want or the kind of apartment I want. Or the kind of life I want. Anything.
And every few months, I had to make a new one. Because everything on my list would come true.
Except in the Man department.
I stopped making the list because each time, I just had to carry over those wants.
And I gave up.
I give up.

Stop Gap Hope
"Maybe you need a palette cleanser."
Yesssss. Yes I do.
Wiser words have never been spoken.

Today, I picked up the phone and texted the man I haven't talked to in a year. The man who makes my insides light up, from my headiest thoughts, to my funniest bone, to my ladiest parts.

I texted the man in Portland.

The man is admittedly the worst communicator on the planet (I may have a pattern). I had no idea if or when I'd hear back from him.

But.

BUT.

But he texted immediately. Immediately.

An hour later, we had plans to meet in San Diego.

In two weeks.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Only it's not the end of the tunnel. It's just a flashlight, that's almost out of batteries. But I'll take it. It'll help me get a few steps further. And give me a few unforgettable orgasms along the way.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello ChicagoGirl, welcome to our little forum. Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here!

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Thank you for writing about something so personal to you. Please take care, all the best, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[JoJoMax]

That was so personal and so real. Thank you for sharing!