Lifetime of torturing self with imagination

[manuel_moe_g]

I get depressed in the morning. I think about how my whole life I have been torturing myself with what might have been - never living in the moment, never seizing the moment and really living.

I refused to start anything because the time was not perfect - all because of fear that I really learn my pathetic limitations if I dive into the work of my dreams. So now I have nothing.

Sleep is always there for me. Sleep pain away.

Now I have tools to deal with all this - but it is tiring to always be working so hard just to be alive. Every advantage I have is a curse.

[manuel_moe_g]

I hate myself for how I acted when I was younger, but I was under tremendous fear and anxiety and depression, so it makes sense that I would lash out at people while I was trying to defend my delicate ego.

[duck1]

manuel_moe_g you and I could do an "i regret of".

[manuel_moe_g]

Ha! A "regret-off" would be amazing! Take care, duck, all the best!

[StJason]

You can't use "what if's". You can't. You CAN'T.

Because what if's are completely imaginary. "What if I had moved to New York" is as valid a question as "What if I had wings and could fly around".

You can't use them because you can't know. Moving, taking that job, quitting that one, asking out the prom queen... you don't know how good or bad they'd turn out. Maybe having wings is a huge pain in the butt. You'd have trouble sitting in chairs, for one thing. Going around shirtless all the time might suck too.

All there is, is right now. The past doesn't really exist. It's just jumbled-up hallucinations in your head. There is no past. All you can do is take one more step forward.

[AndyLand]

Hey Manuel, I like to see my regrets (I'm 46 so if I didn't have Se that would be worse) Like game of whack a mole and when those little buggers pop up I beat them down. I have regrets that go back to toddlerhood. Talk about crazy!!'!

I try not to should all over myself which is where most regrets live. Being here and welcoming and helping everyone as you do is a much more worthwhile pursuit than self-flagellation.

I have no magic words but wanted to remind you you're not alone in return. You just welcomed me and I saw your post so here I am. I hope giving voice to your feelings helped your inner peace a little bit.

Big hugs

[tentickles]

I'm FINALLY de-lurking to attempt to connect here, because so much of what you say resonates for me.

"I get depressed in the morning", you say. Yeah, that. My depression (plus anxiety, PTSD, etc.) is often awake before I am, so my first moment of consciousness on any given day generally feels like "Oh shit, this again!?" You know, the whole "Ah, what fresh hell is this?" scenario.

Then I often spend the day dissociating, fretting, trying to breathe, and talking myself out of getting back in bed. Or *trying* to talk myself out of getting back in bed... because, yes, sleep is the only escape anymore. I am fully capable of 24 hours of sleep, interrupted by a few brief somnambulistic interludes to pee, drink water, and walk my dogs.

This imagination thing -- people think it must be so wonderful, so creative, so exhilarating. Mostly it just wears me out. I mean, yes, I'm an artist, I do prolifically create things that I imagine, but only because otherwise my head WILL. NOT. SHUT. UP. It's a self-soothing mechanism.

"What ifs" are not only useless, but infuriating. I generate them internally at an amazing rate, but they rarely translate into action, thus becoming another hammer to beat myself with: "What if I could just get off my ass with even 10% of the positive What-Ifs I've ever had!?"

They're also among the many well-intentioned strategies often suggested to me by people who don't know what actual help to offer; "What if you got a job?" "What if you tried a little exercise?" "What if you prayed about it?" etc. ad nauseum. I try not to bite peoples' heads off, but it gets cumulatively more exhausting all the time just HEARING it. It feels condescending and insulting, as if they think I haven't thought of the obvious strategies already. So I snap at people who are trying to be kind to me; yeah, that really creates more supportive relationships (she muttered sarcastically).

"All you can do is take one step forward"... hey, seriously, if you CAN take one more step forward, that's the equivalent of a freakin' MARATHON some days, in my book!

(Also: I am cracking up about how awkward clothing and furniture would be if one had wings! *applause*)