Unpacking...

[StJason]

I tried this on another forum, and felt the lack of response unhelpful. I'm not begging for admiration or whatever, but acknowledgement that I posted anything would have been nice...

*deep breath* Hello.
The wife and I moved to Sacramento this summer. She got a job offer, so off we went. I've spent the last six months applying for jobs that I'm well qualified for (I have two degrees, have worked since I was out of high school, etc.). Unfortunately, I'm not getting any responses. I'm not even getting rejection letters. Needless to say, this really is hitting the ol' ego. Not only am I not chosen, but employers can smell the loser on the email. Yow.
Like I said, we moved to a new city. We don't know anyone here. So I don't go out with anyone. I don't really even talk to anyone aside from my wife and maybe the cashier at the supermarket. The wife is working long hours at her new job, which she loves but is stressing her out. So I literally spend all day alone, not talking to anyone, not doing anything. Looking for jobs in the area, applying, getting ignored.
The new job is very stressful for my wife, and she has a dwelling personality, so she can't just leave it at work. She comes home and tells me about her coworkers and clients and how horrible things are going...
Stress also... how to put this... stress shuts off her libido. We haven't been intimate in months. I intellectually understand this, but the little kid in me is still taking this as another form of rejection.

So, I'm more or less isolated, unemployed, broke, friendless, jobless, prospectless... oh, and I'm turning 40 next month.

I'm trying to fight my depression. But I suspect I'm not in a very good place to do so. I'm trying some self-care, cognitive behavior modification, cooking more at home (with no money, eating out is pretty rare these days...), exercise (which only makes me feel worse).

I just feel like I'm spinning my tires. And I'm tired of it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello StJason, welcome to our little forum! Make yourself at home in all out topics and threads.

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I read your post. You feel alone and rejected, and you do not deserve to have such pain in your life. I wish I had something to give you to help you. Please take care, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[stoptellingmetosmile]

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I know what it is like to move to a new place that I didn't especially want to go to for the sake of a job. (I was single though, so the move affected only my cats and me.) Turned out to be a disaster -- maybe if I had been in a less backwards place with more to do it wouldn't have been so horrible. At least I got the biggest mistake of my life out of the way and I am pretty sure that I will never do anything that stupid again.
Have you looked into meetup groups in your area? In the city where I live now, there are quite a few. One of them is a small dog play group, and since I have a small dog, we meet in a park or go for a walk with our dogs, and it doesn't cost anything. I belong to a few of these groups, and although I don't go to all of the meetups all of the time, they do get me out of the house. Just a thought.
Wish I could offer some advice on the wife and employment fronts, but can't since I've never been married and have given up on ever finding the kind of work that my graduate degrees trained to do and that pays a salary that I can live on. I am self-employed now, but occasionally pick up interesting jobs just for the fun and the extra few bucks. I also do lots of volunteer work because I am inclined to feel sorry for myself -- I have been in and out of treatment for severe depression for more than 30 years -- and the volunteer work helps me to keep a sense of perspective.
Just my penny's worth of suggestions. Good luck to you.

[fifthsonata]

I want to say I've experienced the lack of job prospects despite being well qualified. I had to take some dead-end jobs for the time being to make ends meet and actually called some prospective employers to talk to them about my resume - I couldn't take off the "high end" jobs or it would've looked like I had been unemployed for years. I explained I was willing to do any job necessary, didn't think I was "better" than scrubbing toilets if necessary....and it landed me a job.

I was finally able to get back in my field (I was an educator and my program got cut) about a year later, and while I hated the menial job, I learned a great deal from my coworkers (like how to have a life outside of work) and how to stand up to fucking horrible bosses. I don't regret it.

You may have to opt for calling and just "settle" for the time being. Don't lose hope about your prospects - you may need some time, but don't stop looking.

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi St. Jason, and welcome to the forum, I think it sounds like you're looking for a purpose. But to me it sounds like you have a purpose, to be supportive and nurturing and caring to your wife during what sounds like might be an awful, stressful time as well. It sounds to me also like you're doing this already, but if you could change your perception of it, to where you position it in your mind as, "Ok, this is my job now. To create as nurturing of an environment as I can for her, so she can be the best that she can be at her (possibly soul-crusing) job."

I say all this and need to disclaim I've never been in a relationship, so me saying this could be totally naive, idealogical, and simplistic. And if it is I totally apologize.

I do totally understand the change from working to not working. That would be a major adjustment, I totally understand. I think your mind is reacting completely normally to what is a crazy abnormal situation. And having to deal with that much rejection, that will wear anyone down.

Have you thought of maybe starting your own home-based business? Anything from landscaping to I.T., to marketing to dog walking, you can do lots of different kinds of businesses from home.

I also like the person who suggested some meet-up groups.

[StJason]

Hey, everyone. Thanks for the replies.

I've thought about meetup groups and the like. Only problem is that they always seem to be taking place somewhere clear across town. While $2.50 for the bus doesn't seem like much, last month I went several days without food because funding is so tight.

It's not a matter of getting a 'better' job, it's a matter of any job. I'm not getting a response from the Starbucks on the corner, the Subway down the street, or the Gym right across the way. All are (Quote) "really needing good people" yet here I still am.
I don't kid myself into thinking I could run a home-based business. I have the entrepreneurial spirit of a garden slug. Not only would I gradually give myself permission to not do things until it was too late... I don't want to. Even if I had a half-way decent idea of something I could do.

As for turning my job into taking care of my wife... well, that's not a bad plan (as it's mostly what I do nowadays. Cooking, cleaning, housework) the problem is that it doesn't exactly pay the bills.

I'm fairly certain (ie undiagnosed) that I have dysthymia as well. I've always been the moody sort, but when I keep getting hits from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, that really makes it tough to slog through.

[AndyLand]

Welcome! I'm new here too and I'm glad to see you already had responses. Hopefully that lifted your spirits a little too. You certainly have a tough road at the moment. Big hugs, it always gets better.