Discouraged, anxious, and out of chocolate

[tentickles]

Alright already.

A couple days ago I posted a long screed in the form of a reply to the "I Shouldn't Feel This Way" survey (using the alias "Skeletor Dream-Bot Sparklebootie, Esq." because good ole people-pleasing me was actually making a pathetic bid to get Paul's attention by making him laugh).

Ever since, I've been regretting that I didn't express myself here first, and berating myself for that choice... until it occurred to me that I can start over by going ahead and pasting in here the "meat" of what I puked out in that survey.... since it seems like a perfectly accurate introduction to me. More accurate, probably, than if I'd started out by intentionally introducing myself.

I want suggestions from this community, and I'm not going to get them if I hide behind a survey. I figure my screen-name here is entirely sufficient anonymity for me.

(Also, I'm going to re-format back into the paragraphs I originally typed, because it's easier to absorb that way. So here ya go:)

I’m supposed to feel like my efforts (to get help, to take meaningful action, to embrace dreams, to express and receive love) will better my life, but I don’t.

I feel that seeking solutions is only going to continue to produce frustration and disappointment. I’m starting to believe that all my attempts to “get better” are actually CAUSING my troubles. I'm starting to believe that if I just accept suffering as my natural and expected state, and give up on that ridiculous illusion of hope, I might be much better off. Just go ahead and be a floating frog, and let the damn water boil, since it’s going to boil anyhow… and quit wearing myself out trying to scramble out of the pot. I’m not suicidal, but when someone commits suicide, it sure makes perfect sense to me.

Despite my 19 years of active participation in 12-step recovery… my deeply treasured spiritual practices, including meditation and yoga and creativity and regular connection within a faith community… my relationships with loving friends and family… and all this allegedly fabulous “intelligence” and “potential” of mine… I mostly spend a lot of time talking myself out of going back to bed. I keep the façade going pretty well and I bet I look like a pretty well-adjusted, functional human unless you’re really close to me, but the truth it’s that it’s very messy and complicated and scary in here.

Thank goodness I knit and quilt; seriously, it’s very effective mood-altering therapy. I can make everything just right; I can fix things that go wrong; I can choose exactly the components and processes and results I want, without worrying what anyone else thinks; I can always achieve exactly what I set out to do as long as I am patient and persistent; and my efforts produce a tangible result in the world (NOTHING else in my life does all that!).

Yarn and fabric should totally be covered medical expenses. So should dogs. If I didn’t have my dogs to walk, I doubt I’d bother going outside anymore. They are such a fountain of unconditional love and such an oasis of comfort when everything else in the universe becomes terrifying gibberish. When my anxiety gets ramped up, I can often breathe better by mashing my face against my dog and breathing through her fur… counterintuitive, I know, but surprisingly effective. I wish I could do better by them. I’m more upset that I can’t afford to take them for dental cleaning than I am that I can’t afford medical care for myself.

Today the Big Fuck You From The Universe is that I cannot find a therapist who is the right fit for me. I WANT help. I WANT solutions. I am NOT sabotaging the process. I am NOT enjoying being so stuck, so paralyzed, so overwhelmed, so fearful. I am NOT choosing this.

The vulnerability involved in asking for help and then not receiving it is pretty debilitating, especially when social anxiety, learned helplessness, and low self-esteem are part of my package. Telling the naked truth to a total stranger, having faith that doing so will lead me back to a functional relationship with reality, is getting harder and harder. I know it has to start at the beginning, that getting through the initial consultation and the first few sessions is foundational to the rest of the process... I've been in treatment before, I'm an adult, and I'm not stupid.

That's actually a big component of the discomfort I've been bumping up against: I'm not stupid (it's no asset being intelligent, frankly; it just gives me advanced worrying skills). I feel condescended to and underestimated by each of the therapists I've seen in my current efforts to get back into productive, effective treatment. For example: "You know, you might feel better if you got a little more exercise."

Well, NO SHIT. If knowing that fact was enough to motivate me into action, I wouldn't need professional help, would I? I just told you I was anhedonic, increasingly agoraphobic, unemployed, prone to panic attacks and migraines, feel cripplingly asynchronous with the culture and environment of the city I live in, am experiencing escalating PTSD symptoms related to abuse in a previous relationship, am having a breakdown of both physical and emotional intimacy in my marriage, am grossed out by my own body, am grieving recent deaths of several people very close to me, had an incident of head trauma and nerve damage several years ago, and am in chronic pain from health issues which I don't have the resources to treat properly. Yeah, a walk around the block is totally going to fix that. A little fucking fresh air.

You know what else doesn't help? "This too shall pass", "have an attitude of gratitude", “fake it til you make it”, any reference whatsoever to "God's will", or an offer of a hug. I'm not going to waste your time enumerating the reasons why these very well-intentioned platitudes rub my last, frayed, screaming nerve the wrong way. You're just going to have to trust me and skip over those easy crutches to something more substantive. Maybe I am a rebellious, self-sabotaging martyr, but it doesn't mean I am less deserving of support, does it?

Well, seriously, does it? That's a tough one. My experience is starting to appear, to a certain part of me, as evidence that I DON'T get to have what I need. I’m starting to believe that it’s better not to try, than to try and fail. If I don’t try, there’s always all that potential I’m always being told I have, and at least that feels like something. Once I try, the failing starts, and not only the dream of success but even the potential disappears. It’s exhausting.

To be clear, I'm open to practical suggestions as to how to find the right mental healthcare provider. I haven’t lived in this area very long and don’t know a lot of people to ask for local recommendations; those I do know, I have asked, and I have followed up on their suggestions only to find that the individuals in question either don’t take my insurance or don’t treat my conditions or have quit practicing or for some other reason aren’t going to work out. Some trusted lifelong friends have made recommendations which sound promising, but are unworkable due to distance; the time and gas money and freeway-related anxiety that would be involved in lengthy (50-60 miles each way) commutes on a weekly basis are not acceptable to me.

I'm gradually making my way through the list on my insurance provider’s website of covered practitioners who list the specialties that are relevant to my situation. Even within just a 10-mile radius of my home address there are literally hundreds of options.

This is not actually encouraging, but a “problem of abundance” as they say… which is STILL A PROBLEM. It activates what I refer to as “option overload”… I just look at the giant list of choices and can’t imagine how I will ever be able to narrow it down and then my brain seizes up and I have to go lie down in a dark room until my heart slows down and gets out of my throat and goes back to my chest where it belongs. The same thing happens to me with big menus at restaurants (Canter’s Deli, anyone?)

On a good day I can sift through a few dozen names on the list, check their backgrounds and training, look at the patient reviews, investigate their website if they have one… it’s a lot of work and usually the results are fruitless at best, depressing at worst, so there are many days when I would rather do something else even though I know I’m just kicking the can down the road. Over the past few months I’ve found a few doctors that I was cautiously optimistic about. They have all been difficult to establish communication with, but I’ve persevered and actually gone in for visits with four different individuals so far. I’ve been brave and honest and clear with them all, but I keep feeling like I’m just getting patted on the head and not heard. I’ve had great results in the past with medication, but none of them have willing to prescribe (or refer me to someone who will) and they imply that I’m drug-seeking or looking for an “easy” out. Purely on principle, because I don’t want to bail out when I’m doing something that is supposed to work, I’m still seeing the current therapist as of this moment – the one who gave me the exercise “advice” yesterday – but I’m super-discouraged.

[tentickles]

Just gonna tell you guys... the fact that I can see people look at this post, but nobody has responded, is depressing. I guess I *am* alone, even here. I'm going to try not to check for at least the next 24 hours, because I'm getting sick of watching myself becoming frantic and needy for the attention of total strangers.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello tentickles, welcome to our little forum. I see you have already dove in and posted to a couple of the threads and topics here. Please don't get discouraged that people view and don't post - our little forum is lurker-heavy.

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – this also allows you to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

Please keep trying meeting therapists. I know what you mean about patronizing therapists - it took me a couple of tries before I found my current EMDR therapist who is encouraging me to be self-loving and self-validating and also giving me really-actually workable techniques each week, that don't lead me down a path of self-hatred and self-disappointment.

Suffering is not your natural state. You are too awesome for that to be true. Please take care, all the best, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[tentickles]

Thanks, Manny. You're clearly a good human, with a big compassionate heart; I can tell from everything I've read from you during MY excessive lurking I observe that your info indicates you live in Orange County. Me too. Imagine that. I am actively in search of an EMDR therapist, and since you are pleased with yours, perhaps you can provide me contact info? There must be a private-messaging option here somewhere, yes?

[tentickles]

Since my previous venty blurt-fest, I've been to another session with the sub-optimal therapist, and can report that I continue to be frustrated.

I know that I have a habit of collecting negativity. I pick up every little scrap, polish it and cherish it and arrange it carefully in the negativity archives. I am also prone to martyrdom, self-sabotage and the metaphorical eating of symbolic worms. Eventually this gains a horrible momentum that paints me into a very panicky corner. So I'm entirely aware that these processes may be impairing my judgement vis-a-vis this poor lady who is probably a nice person and doing her best...

But... completely apart from the content of what she says, and my reactions thereto... some observable facts include: she occasionally answers the phone during our session. Her husband reads e-mails sent to her, because he is her "assistant". In his capacity as "assistant", he knocked on the door and interrupted us twice during my most recent session, which should have been an hour but was only 45 minutes. These seem like pretty un-cool things for a therapist to do. At the very least she is demonstrating some boundary issues that even I can identify. I've actually managed to tell her that these things bother me (which is huge! speaking up for myself! asking for what I need! feels like it's going to kill me! ACK ACK ACK!), but she rationalizes/justifies her behaviors and dismisses the effect they have on me. I certainly don't need *another* person in my life who treats me like that, let alone one I'm paying to help me. It doesn't feel helpful in the slightest.

Maybe it's a test? ... yeah, that would be a bizarre and manipulative treatment modality. Seems unlikely.

ANYHOW.

I painted my toenails yesterday, which is the kind of thing a person who loves herself might do, and the kind of thing I've neglected for awhile. It still doesn't feel especially authentic, but I admit I like how it looks. Purple with blue glitter. Fancy as all get-out. I'm still grossed out by my body in general, but I do have cute toes. That's probably a start.

[AndyLand]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. While replies here do seem to be a bit slower I promise you will always get one. Let's see, no hugs, no sorrys, no will. I'm out, nah just kidding. Man it really does sound you have tried so many things. Manny is right, keep seeking the therapy and if you aren't feeling any improvement maybe you need different meds. Even if you've tried a dozen there are always more. I really hope you do find more support and improvement of treatment soon. You are tenacious and I believe it will pay off. Thanks for not giving up. And I love that you painted your toes. It's the little things!

I went through at least 5 therapists before I found one who was able to help me learn to manage the PTSD without medication.

Warm wishes

Andy

[AndyLand]

PS....you had me at "out of chocolate"

[Brooke]

There are no rules that says you need to introduce yourself first here before you make any other post, so it's totally ok, you don't need to berate yourself over that (though I TOTALLY understand you doing that, since I do it to myself all of the time!)

I also understand the "why bother" feelings of wanting to take steps in the right direction. I'm always trying to do better, only to try so hard and crash. I'm actually at that phase now. I feel defeated and the self-defeating voices of "me not being able to change anything, I'm a failure, not enough" are attacking me constantly. I don't even fight it, I just let myself beat me up.

Years ago, when I got depressed, I thought "if I'm going to come back down, why bother trying to rise above? the crash will be devastating." So I stayed down there. Now, I'm realizing that that was a big mistake and the more I stayed depressed, the more my brain got rewired to stay down there. And now it's a habit that I can't escape. I don't know what it feels like to be positive and upbeat. I have bouts of those feelings, but my brain wants to come back down to my "home" where everything is dark and wrong. I'm actually seeking things to make me depressed (subconsciously) so I can feel comfortable down there.

But we keep trying and that's a good thing in my opinion. It's ok to try and fall again (or so I tell myself that). After you fall and crumble into a ball for a while, you regain the energy to try again. I mean, I don't think you would be here if you weren't trying. I too have kept a facade for a very long time. From the outside, I have a happy life. But it is so hard trying to keep that up. I'm glad you have your meditation activities and a faithful community around you.

I envy you that you can take your dog for a walk and have a comforting experience. I'm agoraphobic so even taking my puppy out for a walk is tremendous stress. I want to do it more, but it's so hard for me.

In my experience, it's hard to find a good therapist that is the right fit for you. I've kind of given up on that front and am trying my best with different alternatives, like journaling, mindfulness, writing here, listening to mental-related podcasts and books, slowly opening up with people I can trust, spirituality, etc.

Since you were so open and honest, I want to give you a long, heartfelt reply, but I need to take a break I'll come back later if I can.

[tentickles]

Hey, AndyLand.

Thanks for your smoke signal. I'm here because I'm super-frustrated with feeling misunderstood and invisible... so your reply is of great value to me. I can point to it and tell my head, "Look, here's some evidence that somebody out there in the world actually DOES hear you!" Plus, we have chocolate in common

So, you say I'm tenacious? Interesting. I hope that's true. It is -- by definition -- practically impossible for me to be objective, so I can't say for sure if that's an accurate assessment. There have been times in my life when I've identified strongly with that, but now is not one of them. Mostly, these days, I just feel exhausted. Being tenacious doesn't seem to have paid off, so it's getting harder to sustain. I hope that's a temporary perspective, but it's the one I've got right now.

Yesterday I gathered up my gumption and told that nice, condescending therapist that I wasn't coming to see her anymore because it's not a good fit. I'm just not willing to waste time or money on something unproductive and painful when I could be investing that time and money in an actual solution. Of course, that's assuming there IS an actual solution available, which is something I am only partly able to believe in.

I am very curious about how you are managing your PTSD without medication. If you are willing to share any specifics about the methods your therapist is using, that you are finding to be effective, I would be very grateful. Is EMDR part of your treatment? Is your therapist primarily a cognitive behavioral therapist? The more I learn about what actual techniques produce tangible results, the less hopeless I feel... so thanks in advance for whatever information you're able to offer.

[tentickles]

Brooke, thanks for checking in and giving such sincere attention to my tornado of fear.

It sounds like you do actually get what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, that's because you experience similar self-sabotaging thought patterns, which I happen to know are devastating... in a way, it's depressing when somebody identifies with me, because that means another person is dealing with suffering like mine, and I wish nobody had to deal with it. It's crippling. Of course, it's also helpful to unpack the mess with someone who shares a common language and background, so I'm willing to try, on the theory that it might give both of us even the tiniest crumb of hope.

When you say you don't even fight the self-defeating voices, that really resonates for me. Sometimes I just plain forget that I could fight them; it's not as if I think, "Should I fight or not? Nah, I guess I'll just suffer today." It's more that it doesn't even occur to me that there is an option. Suffering takes over so completely that not even a tiny sliver of light can penetrate the darkness. I can see myself beating me up, but then I beat myself up for beating me up!

I also really hear you when you say that you accidentally re-wired your brain to expect depression by staying at the bottom to avoid the crash. That is a very accurate description of my experience, too. It's like my default state is set to "awful" and I don't trust anything that takes me too far away from that. It's familiar, which provides a lonely, scab-picking kind of comfort, and sometimes that's the only comfort I think I have.

I DO believe that it's okay to try and fail and try again, because that's how we grow and learn and change; I just believe it for OTHER people, not for myself! I can tell how absurd it is to believe that I'm somehow uniquely damaged and unfixable, but I can't un-believe it. Maybe that's a "yet"... maybe I can't un-believe it YET, and maybe at some point I'll start being able to apply that theory to myself.

I didn't believe AA would "work" for me, but I did it anyway, with complete sincerity, because I wanted to PROVE that it wouldn't work... and to my shock and surprise it DID work, in the sense that I have not had a drink or a drug in 19 years, and in the sense that I have learned an enormous amount about why I drank and used. The underlying causes have not been removed, though, only those particular ineffective coping mechanisms. All the REASONS that I drank and used are still boiling around underneath the surface, trying to hurt me in any way they can, now that the easy outs of booze and drugs are off the table. It's like whack-a-mole: knock one down, another pops up...

Speaking of which, yeah: agoraphobia. The outside is so full of things that are unexpected, startling, scary, loud, confusing, and otherwise out of my control. I can only handle it in very limited doses. To be clear, walking the dogs is NOT a comforting experience for me! Being at home on the bed snuggled up to them is comforting. Having them lying near me right now while I'm typing is comforting. Being out there in that big messy world is not comforting, or even pleasant; it's necessary, and I try to enjoy what I can, but I barely endure it, honestly. I walk the dogs because they need the sunshine and the chance to smell things and a place to potty, and I want them to have what they need. I never give them as long a walk as I know they would appreciate, though, because I cannot handle being out there that long. It's worse now that we live in a very high-density urban area; I am so much better off when I live in rural environments, where the inputs are less overwhelming. My husband's job is here, though, and it's a job he loves, which also pays well enough that I don't have to work full-time... so, I'm trying to adapt. YES, taking the puppy for a walk IS tremendous stress, and it IS hard. So what I'm trying to say is, please don't envy me. Dog-walking is only fun for them. I'm in panic-attack mode basically the entire time.

Thanks for reminding me about journaling. I used to find it very helpful. Maybe I should try to reinstate that practice. What podcasts (besides this one) and books do you find helpful, that you would recommend for me to investigate?

Thanks for connecting. It matters.