I'm not ready to leave therapy

[Lilac]

My Dearest Diary,

I have decided to leave my therapist. I love her dearly and wish that we had met as friends. I believe that my path lies in the energy healing. Since I have started, I have felt stronger and more confident than in my whole life. I see a future for myself that was never there before I started my journey. I am making plans for my future. It is a future that I have control of. What a new concept. Planning for the future. I never thought I would live this long never mind making plans for the future.

I understand now that there is no answer to the question of why people fucked with me when I was a kid. It was my path and that is all there is to it. I am stronger now and nobody is going to fuck with me . I know that I deserve to be treated with respect. I also know that I can leave people who won't or can't treat me well. There are so many people in the world. Surely there is love out there for me. I don't know who I love yet. It is a new concept that I can love and be loved. But I do know that I am enough and deserve love just as I am.

What a wonderful journey life has turned out to be. What a surprise that I could actually feel joy and sadness and all of the other emotions that have been missing from my life for so long. Sure there are hard days but there are many, many more wonderful days. Thank you God or guides or whom ever is at work here. I promise to keep fighting with all that I have. Depession will not win. After all Love ALWAYS wins.

Sending love to all of you who need it most. I have a lot to share and am happy to do it. My heart is singing tonight.

[manuel_moe_g]

So happy for you, Lilac. Please help us keep in touch with your progress. Also, tell us more about energy healing.

I am so proud of you, congratulations on the next new adventure in your life!

[Lilac]

Shit. I was feeling so good for a while there. The darkness is back and it is more sticky and tarry than bafore. I am so upset. I thoughtI was good to go. Live mye life and never be afraid again. Depression is a sneeky bastard. I didn't see it coming and then, pow! RIGHT in the face. The same old shitty voices telling me how much I suck. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. Useless. I want to have a different brain. Back to therapy I go. Well, as soon as I can get the guts up to make the call. Seven calls so far and seven hang ups. Fuck me. I hate feeling this way. I just want someone to save me. It is too hard. Why the fuck can't I just ask for help.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Lilac, don't fret, it could be "extinction burst" where your depression comes on strong because it knows it is on the way out. Please take care. All the best.

[Lilac]

I hope so MM. THIs darkness has come on so quickly. I'm having thoughts of sadness again. Never good enough. But for who? Who's standards am I trying to live up to? Feeling as if no one ever chooses me. I try so hard to be good. I try so hard to do good and be kind and helpful. Why doesn't anyone ever pick me? I don't understand what it is about me that is so aweful that people don't pick me. Do they see the darkness in me? Do they see what is behind my happy face?

Fuck. I guess I'll start looking for a therapist. I need someone who is smarter than me and can call me on my shit. I need someone who is not fooled by me saying what i think they want me to say. I need someone who will be tough on me because they care. I need someone who i can be completely honest with. I need someone who is strong in character. Ok. Fuck. I am scRed that i will always feel t his way. I feel crazy. I'm glad I don't have a gun in the house.

I feel desperate. My skin is on fire. I promise myself to hold on for one more week.

[Lilac]

I am just now realizing that my therapist showed me caring and compassion because that is her job. I am such a fool. Why didn't I see that before? I really thought she liked me as a real person. What an idiot I am. I believed that she cared about me. I ll never learn. People don't pick me. It's something I secrete. I'm such an idiot. Clearly I need to stop bothering people.

[Lilac]

I'm not sure why, but I am going totry another therapist. I feel so ashamed. I am back to my old way of thinking. I am a pest. I can't trust anyone. They will take advantage of me. I have to be perfect. No one love s or even likes me. Why can't this shit go away! I hate feeling this way. When I am at home I feel fine. When I am with people it all turns to shit.

[Fargin]

Keep on fighting the good fight Lilac.

This is easier said than done, but I've had some positive experiences with trying to stop myself from bullying myself. It feels like, the less I judge myself, the less I care about other people's opinion. It's not easy, but I kind of try to stop myself, when I catch myself calling me an idiot, failure, joke, loser ect. I try not to allow it.

But I also have to give my self-annihilation and numbing out some credit, if I hadn't learned to hate and belittle myself, my upbringing would probably have destroyed my soul. Thinking of myself as less-than-zero, made being treated like it make sense. So I wont hate my negative thinking, it kind of saved me, but I wont allow it anymore(trying). I wont hate my cowardly thinking, because I had lots of reasons to feel terrified growing up, in that sense my anxiety makes perfect sense.

[Lilac]

I totally get that Fargin. I beat myself up all of the time. Perhaps it is part of the perfectionist in us. If i can just be perfect and do everything perfectly, maybe i will be wprthy of love and attension. Maybe i won't hate myself so much. Maybe I will have a future to plan for. Maybe people will like me and then I might just like myself. Fucking maybe. I wish I were invisable. I feel like I am but then someone talks to me and I am pretty sure I exist in some way. Some shitty, shitty way. I don't know why though. I can't figure it out.

[Lilac]

Oh the nasty thoughts. I want to rip the veins from myarms. I want to blow my brains out. Not to die but to stop thinking.

We are told to make connections and to ask for help but we are not told how. How does one make small talk while wondering if we sound stupid. How do we ask for help when we don't trust anyone? How do we let people see us when we are so ashamed that we can barely leave the house?