Episode 207: Lisa Sundstedt

[Sherlock]

... When I wrote "scale," I meant "skill." This keeps happening to me since I've been on meds and going off alcohol addiction; I used to be so ON IT with words and now I'm making WEIRD, WEIRD mistakes like that. I was writing something yesterday and seriously wrote "side" instead of "sighed." SO FUCKING BIZARRE.

I hope it goes away; if it doesn't, I hope I always have the ability to pick it up and correct it when it really matters. I've always been so verbal--I wonder if this means my mind "hears" a word, and now there's some kind of skipped step into writing the word out. Ultra weird. Seriously hope it goes away but it'll be a crazy mystery to solve if it doesn't--I'm going to go to a fucking neurologist when I'm an adult and ask about it if it doesn't go away, I swear.

[Sherlock]

OMG. I NEED TO JUST START EDITING MY POSTS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

I AM AN ADULT. I MEANT WHEN I MOVE OUT AND HAVE MONEY OF MY OWN.

[LimitedAdventure]

I know what you mean, Sherlock, I've lately had an issue when, if I'm reading something out loud, I'll be looking at a word, and hear a completely different word, in the same category, coming out of my mouth. I'll see "Saturday" and say "Sunday." Lots of shit like that lately. I think it has to do with the information overload we're all on. Our brains are taking in so much data, more than they were probably wired for, and that data is coming in constantly. I think it's normal for us to have some hiccups like that.

Well, it sounds like your step dad unfortunately got a double whammy. He got the genetically handed-down OCD, and then all that chaos growing up. That would do a fucking number, especially not having a consistent place to call home. After reading your description there, it kinda sounds like he turned out pretty good all things considered!

200 belts? Sounds like his mom may have been a hoarder, which is just a symptom, it's not the disease but it sounds like if she was in electroshock therapy then they were already onto that, based on what they knew in the 1950s, which wasn't very much. Holy fuck electroshock therapy in the 1950s sounds super scary!

My dad would remain quiet through the chaos. I'm not sure he knew what to do. He lost his dad prematurely in an accident when my dad was in his very early teens, and so on emotional things, it may be that my dad just closed down. I really don't know him very well. As for my relationship with my mom's dad, well, as a child, I thought all his negativity was funny! As a little kid, I thought it was hilarious! But, it wasn't. And, looking back, I don't think he was trying to be funny. So, here he would be complaining about, say, the dinner my mom made. And, that would make me laugh.

And now, as I type that out for really first time, ever, I look at it and go.. Huh. Well, why would a little kid be laughing at that?

Maybe I was dissociating? Even my super young, 7 or 8 year old brain, knew that was wrong, and knew that wasn't the way a dad was supposed to treat his daughter, and so in order to cope with it, I mentally removed myself? Maybe I was depersonalizing as a coping mechanism? I don't recall ever getting scolded for laughing during those times. Maybe it was the way my grandfather would complain about it? His sad sack way of saying, "I can't eat this." He was always unhappy about things, and my mom was always worried, and so I'm now just realizing as an adult decades later how many of my thoughts are just sadness and worry.

Wow you went through psychosis and mania? Congrats on coming thru that. What was that like? I feel like my teens and twenties and most of my thirties were manic. But you know I think that when you're a young person and you're in a chaotic environment where it doesn't feel safe much of the time (school wasn't safe for me, either), one thing your body and mind are going to do is get you keyed up, so you're ready, just in case, to defend yourself or run away or think fast or just protect yourself in some way. I think it's easy for a kid in a scary environment to get keyed up. And if the environment is scary all the time, the child stays keyed up all the time.

And then the child goes into the world as an adult, and... still keyed up. Lots of energy. The resting position is fully cocked, loaded, and ready to fire, because that's what the "resting" position had to be for so many years. And for me, I think that's where my mania came from. And it manifested itself as an adult with lots of activity, lots of busy-ness, lack of focus, all over the place, super hard for people to connect with. And of course lots of worry. Fatiguing for myself and for the people around me.

[Sherlock]

I don't recall ever getting scolded for laughing during those times.

You know, I almost anticipated you'd find his negativity funny. See, for one, you wouldn't have anything else to compare it to--and two, there's plenty of media on the "cranky old man" being funny, rather than scary and abusive for the person on the receiving end of his outlashes. You could have even laughed at it because you realized it's inappropriateness--"shock" comedy, almost.

It was specifically psychotic mania; what was it like? It was a lot. It was life changing. It was tragic and beautiful at once. When I described it sometimes to my therapists, they'd say "That's what being on LSD is like." Things people probably don't realize that I could mention... well, hearing voices can be EXTREMELY subtle--I didn't realize I was hearing voices until MONTHS into it, and it was when I let myself stop thinking... and mind wouldn't stop. The other thing is that the voices spur on the delusions and combined, you start getting hallucinations or at least visual altering experiences. I'd say the thing I expected the least was not wanting to sleep, never feeling like eating, but when I got very scared or laughed too hard, I'd have to go to the bathroom--and when I got ultra scared, I'd have to do number 2, literally shitting in mind-fear. I mention that because it's so full-bodied--it's not just your mind at all.

I did a lot of embarrassing things but also said things people apparently thought were enlightening. The best thing I took away from it was being able to see anyone and see beauty--I compare it to admiring animals. I love little human things--awkwardness and mistakes aren't just funny to me anymore, they're human. Imperfection to the beauty standard is even more human and beautiful--I hate that so many people believe their ugly because when you look into someone's eyes, eyes are ALWAYS beautiful...

But again, it was also very paranoid and scary and I did and said bad things. It lasted too long for me to fully describe it in just one post.

[LimitedAdventure]

Wow Sherlock, so it started super gradually, and intensified over time? That must have been terrifying, especially at the beginning. Any kind of a hallucination would scare the shit out of me. How did you finally start to manage it? Did they have to find a right combination of meds?

I've been wondering if my 20s and early 30s were mostly manic, or if it were just alcohol fueling an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. I realize there's a difference.

I feel like I missed out on so much shit. Because I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

[melalerve]

Is it some kind of "system burp" on my end, or has the episode actually been removed? If the latter, has this been explained at least briefly anywhere?

[Paul Gilmartin]

She asked to have it taken down. Saw it came up high on google search and didn't want family to hear it.

[melalerve]

I see, thanks.

(Unrelated question: where would it possible to suggest guest? I found no subforum or thread for guest suggestions or some kind of "wishlist".)

[Paul Gilmartin]

you can email guest suggestions to me at mentalpod@gmail.com