RIP Mr. Watie, 1962-2014

[manuel_moe_g]

{{{{Hugs}}}} to you, moonlightwatie. I am so proud for you about how you are managing, you are so strong.

[moonlightwatie]

Almost 13 weeks. Sigh.
Got locked out of my storage so I have to try to scrape up money to get back into it. Then I have to figure out where all this stuff is going. Double sigh.

[rivergirl]

moonlightwatie,
I feel like I almost knew Mr. Watie just from reading your posts about him. Your love for him shines through your writing.

I understand about the children you are nanny-ing and that expressing your negative thoughts about the 6 year old was just a way of blowing off steam (or attempting to blow away mourning fog). One thing I've learned from listening to the podcast is that having those occasional bad thoughts is not the same as actually doing something bad.

I'm sorry about the storage unit! Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you & sending good vibes this evening, & wishing for continued healing for you.

rivergirl

[moonlightwatie]

Mourning fog... LOVE that term!

[moonlightwatie]

A young woman I mentored at the turn of the century paid for my storage.
But I can't afford a shed or container so my stuff is in two piles covered with tarps.

I paid for the urn and got the autopsy within a few days of each other about a week ago.
I requested the autopsy because I was curious to see what was in Mr. Watie's system when he hung himself. Traces of pot and benzos. No booze, which kinda surprised me. No opiates, which makes sense because that's why he went manic and hung himself--he was out of painkillers.

While going through boxes, I found a stash of his.... a couple different benzos and a morphine pill. That wouldn't have saved him. Only would have bought him a couple hours.

Thanksgiving was better than I thought it would be. The days leading up to it were difficult, but the actual day was ok. Spent it at Mr. Watie's best friend's place. Played Cards Against Humanity and had a good time.

The nanny gig pretty much put a pause button on a lot of the grief. It's been coming back quite frequently this month.

[manuel_moe_g]

Love and strength to you, moonlightwatie

[moonlightwatie]

It's been almost 11 months. In some ways it's gotten easier.

I met someone while I was working crew at the Ren Faire--let's call him MJ. He's a great person and I fell in love. He told me the other day that he loves me. I told him a couple weeks ago.

Unlike Mr. Watie, I have no desire to be with MJ all of the time. He's got his own life to live and I have mine.

[lost]

I have been reading your posts your an amazing lady who has been through so much.
Im glad you have met some who can make you smile, sending you very big vertial hugs

[moonlightwatie]

The year anniversary of Mr. Watie's suicide is in 12 days.
I find myself depressed, but this time I'm fighting like hell to keep it at bay.

I've been in my new place for almost a month. Living there with me full time is db, who is my new best friend. He lost his wife to suicide several years ago, and it's been lovely having someone who understands what that's like. db is also my submissive. It's a purely Dominant/submissive relationship that is non-romantic and non-sexual. Easiest way to describe our relationship is that he's my servant. MJ stays with us a couple days a week. It's great to have him around. They're both easier to feed than Mr. Watie was.

[moonlightwatie]

I fully admit I'm procrastinating doing the last bit of work I really should do tonight. MJ's due home in a couple hours, and I kinda want to be up when he gets home.
The 9th was PM's birthday. I didn't get to spend it with him. I hope to get together with him soon. I'm a little nervous about MJ and PM meeting. I'm just being silly because of the fact that I'm in love with both of them. MJ is a very special young man that I feel lucky to have met.

Thursday, db and I borrowed a friend's truck and went to my storage so I could grab a bunch of boxes. I'm finally selling off the last of Mr. Watie's work-related things and making room in storage for things at home we don't have room for. db is my best friend in addition to my submissive. I need someone to take care of me, and he does a great job. He's been doing the kink thing quite awhile, and he's enjoying being a guinea pig while I explore a new side of myself. The non-sexual component to our relationship is liberating.

This is the very last time I'm sorting through Mr. Watie's work things. I'm selling off all I can that's directly related to his work before next Tuesday. I have a buyer for the bulk of it. I took lots of pictures and described what I had well. We'll see what kind of offer I get. He's already buying the big piece of test equipment that'll give me a little money to spend on things I need for a change. Like work clothes, as I have a job interview on Monday that I'll probably ace, as one of the people I'll be working with is the Mom of one of my TKD students. Her husband talked to me today and said that I've got a good chance of getting the job. It's one I applied for 2.5 years ago, but I got another job that turned out to be a disaster. This will be a great opportunity for me, as I'll be able to make a decent living with benefits while I get the TKD school off the ground and functioning well enough to be able to afford to have that be my "real job." I'm tempted to head to the thrift store to buy an interview outfit, but I also need to try on a skirt I got out of storage first.

This is also a great way to deal with the anniversary coming up. By forging ahead with my life and getting things in order.

Oh hey! I have access to a bike now, which is awesome because it makes my bus commute much easier. It'll also help me build up the muscles I need in order to break the boards I need to in December! I haven't been on a bike in well over a decade, and it's been quite an experience. I'm happy about it though. I need the exercise too!

I'm doing my best to get through this time and move on, like I have been this whole calendar year. I'm learning to live life without Mr. Watie, and I've picked up a lot of good friends and a few living companions along the way. I'm happy with the way my life's turned out so far this year, and I'm looking forward to the next part of the year!