Broken from various issues in my life.

[macpac]

Hi guys

I havent really introduced myself yet on these forums but I'm a long time listener of the podcast (maybe a couple of years now) and I just wanted to check in with you guys - complete strangers - explain my situation and see what.. comes of it. I'm in my mid thirties, in a long term relationship, and I have a history of depression, anxiety, self esteem issues and other stuff. I've spent years wondering if I have BPD or Bipolar Type 2, but psychiatrists have pretty much ruled it out. I've been hospitalised from my depression and generally things are improving but not -overall-. SSRI's haven't helped me in the past (just numbed ALL my feelings, and ruined friendships and relationships) and I'm currently taking 5-HTP which is a 'natural' mood improver that I thought I'ld try.

Some pretty big shit is happening in my life right now. So, I spent a decade living in one city and before that the first 20-something years of my life in my native homeland. Since meeting my current partner I've lived with shame and regret because she's experienced much more than me in her lifetime (and she's a few years younger than me). For instance, moving to the other side of the world for a few years. She seems to have multitudes more friends than I do (though she disagrees). And family too. Last year we had a holiday to many places including the place she lived for a few years. We returned and what little enjoyment I had in the place I lived for that decade, I lost, and my partner wasn't overly enthusiastic either about it. I hated my last job, didn't feel at all valued, and just lost interest in even showing up to work. I had little friends and no interests to keep me going. So, since we had an opportunity to do so, we decided recently to pack up our lives, resign from our jobs, and move again. We moved to the other side of the world, to a place where she has her citizenship and I (hopefully) can get a residence permit based on that - or work sponsorship. That's the exciting part.

We've been here about a month nearly. We were fortunate enough that my partner scored a job here where we now live before we even left! Right now we're eating our savings up but when she gets paid, until I get a job, we'll be surviving on her income mostly. Again, I'm grateful for that.

But I'm so, so lonely. Depressed. Fearful. Bored.

Lonely because I don't feel any interest toward anything. Some days I fear seeing our housemates because I don't want to have to subject myself to a conversation with them. I have very little interest in anything these days. I used to, years ago, but it all went south. I keep telling myself to join a sports team, learn something different, join a gym. But whatever I try when it comes to new activities, these days, it feels all too hard. It just always feels like I'll never be any good so why even try. So how am I actually supposed to meet people?

Lonely because we're in a foreign country. My partner has some family here in a different city, but we don't know them that well. We have a tiny circle of friends seperated by one of her friends that lives here already and us. We hang out a little, but I can't connect. I'm empty. Most of the friends are girls and I don't feel like I can connect. The guys I feel even less like I can connect with them. Nothing to talk about really and when I bring up a topic I'm fearful of being judged for not knowing what to talk about. EG sports. I'm not into sports because I'm not really into anything. They're all nearly a decade younger than me and I don't feel like I have much in common with them. By the way, they're all expats and speak English which is helpful, because none of us can speak the native language of this new country.

Bored. After she goes to work have been sitting in our room, spending the days trawling LinkedIn for jobs, doing a little sightseeing, reading, browsing the net for rubbish, and trying to learn new work skills. I just spent an hour reading 7 pages of a book about a new topic I want to hopefully use to accentuate my skills for my resume. I don't get it and it doesn't make sense to me.

I've had a couple of interviews but most people are on summer holiday and I'm not getting much reaction. At least my partner has the ability to communicate to her new work friends. They seem to love her and she's going very well.

My career feels like its in tatters. When I was little, I had heaps of ambition to be really smart and be in computers. The next Bill Gates kinda thing. Over the years as I went through university (and scraped through a 3rd of the course I set out to do) I ended up in support. Some friends I had at the time were all into networking and programming and even became BDMs and that kind of thing. Me, I was in support for a while and then jumped into presales consultancy, which is kinda all the technical side of a sale of something in IT (like software or hardware). I've always seemed to be good with thinking outside the box to be creative and relating to customers well. But I'm not smart and I have been in a couple of dead end jobs for too long, and combined with everything else, my brain feels like jelly. I'm just not able to learn new things. I don't have the passion for IT anymore, but I don't know what I want to do instead.

Applying for jobs is okay - I've found a few that I've applied for but haven't had a lot of response yet. I can pretend to be interested really well but really... Sometimes I feel like I never, ever had to work again. Unfortunately my savings are only going to last me so long. I feel like I'm incapable of working again anyway.

Sitting in my room all day isn't helping but increasingly it feels like the only option. I'm forced to be lonely, I don't have friends and very little family (who are on the other side of the world). I'm forced to be bored and not be interested enough in anything new, exciting or fun. I've found releases. Over the years I dealt with anxiety by vomiting sometimes nearly everything I ate up. Now I do a little of that, and I've started doing pretty heavy drugs sometimes to mask the feelings. During the day. Alone.. seriously - WTF! I need to change that.

My partner knows I'm depressed, anxious sometimes, and lonely, but while she knows she doesn't understand and can't really help. She's happy, funny, witty, and fun to be around. She tells me sometimes people can tell something's wrong with me when I'm down when I'm around them and they ask her. She tries to help, but when I say things like "I'm lonely", for instance, she'll start with a mantra about how I keep saying I don't have any friends and I have to be more patient or actually make the effort because making friends is hard. Believe me, I know!

She's a godsend but struggles with her own stuff about moving here, so she can't be here to support me all the time. It wears her out quickly. We argue sometimes - usually about the most ridiculous things - and the words 'always' and 'never' get used a lot. She tells me sometimes that "it's not fun anymore" and I feel like that's because of me. I'm boring, bringing her down, and probably over-sensitive to her feelings. When we argue I feel like I literally have nothing left. I want to enjoy our time together for a few years and eventually go back to our native homeland and grow old with her but literally I'm on edge sometimes because it all feels a hair length away from disaster. If I lose her because of my own stupidity I'm almost certainly going to take the suicide exit ramp. It's so fucking nice to know it's there and an option to use it if I need to.

I've been to councellors before. My last one, the only one I really trust, is on the other side of the world. I could skype her but when I've talked about my problems it feels like she gives me the same answer all the time. Because she probably DOES, because I probably keep bringing the same things up. What was it that Einstein said? The definition of crazy is to keep making the same mistake?

Obviously it's not all going to make sense, and I don't expect someone to reply with some answer that's going to make all the difference, but hey, if someone has a suggestion other than to go to another councellor, try to relate my problems and get presented with the same talk patterns (suggestions of CBT, talking me out of things, etc) I'm all ears. At any rate I dont have any medical insurance now and I want to try and save my money.

Thanks for reading..

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi macpac, welcome to our little forum. I wish I had some constructive help for you, because you are worthy and you don't deserve this depression and anxiety. All I can do is let you know that I read your post, and I honor your sense of pain, and I tell you that you don't deserve this. Please take care. It does get better, but I don't want to push my own story on top of yours. Please keep writing and stay in touch.

[rc409]

Welcome.....I, too, find myself feeling like you describe. The part about guys wanting to talk sports hit home.

The last time I felt like your talking about was when I had to spend three straight weeks away from home, in Houston, TX. I knew no one.

Free Hotel and free room service food. I went an entire three days without leaving the room.

I was not going to repeat it the next weekend, so I decided to see the sites. I drove through traffic, up hills, paid tolls, It felt like it was 230 degrees outside. I walked, waited. Paid. Was all going to be worth it because I do love the Space Shuttle. Even depressed, I had to.

Finally, there she was? The goddamn thing was a fake, made of wood. I couldn't have built it, but I could have bough the supplies at Home Depot.

Maybe the bi polar was due for a pole reversal, but I laughed. I laughed hard. The workers there were annoyed. Other guest's laughed at me, but with me.

I dont know if this would have happened in the hotel.

Welcome, and hope you feel like seeing your new city....

[macpac]

Thanks for the welcome.. it's comforting knowing or at least trying to believe that I don't deserve this.

I went to kickball last night, which is a bit like softball. Prime example of me in a social situation. I felt like I forced myself to go because I wanted to get out of the house and I wanted to get some exercise. The whole time once again I felt like I a fake, I would be found out for being as crap at sports as I am. I didn't really talk to anyone because I only knew 3 maybe 4 people, vaguely, from previous weeks. My partner didnt come along so I couldn't rely on her to keep conversations going, and everybody there seems to know each other really quite well so when our team had time to say anything there was quite a lot of conversation already going on.

As the game commenced I missed three easy balls on the infield that anyone else there would have caught. One of the fielders further back came in and started grabbing the balls that I as a normal functioning human should have been capable of getting, it was that bad! I tried to tell myself it was no big deal but it was just embarassing I guess and I felt really angry at myself, despite the fact that it was a social game and despite the fact others were catching it. See, CBT doesn't really work well in my experience - I can't replace ways of thinking with new less judgemental ones. One good thing was I managed to get a run and a point for the team so I wasn't completely useless! By the end of the night I managed to survive there without packing up and going home early, but I feel terrible I can't play the game at all well, I can't react fast enough, and often while we were playing my teammates were kind of shouting out rules and comments to each other about the game and half of it didnt even make sense. Who's out? why? what?!

So not that I go to games like this often but it's an example of the sorts of negative thinking that's always present on my mind - unrelenting, angry at myself, and fearful that I'll never change. Fear is a big part of my psyche and it's so annoying! Fear I'll not be good enough for a job. Fear I'll be judged. Fear I have no friends and hardly any family. Fear I'll die alone. When do I just get to be happy and enjoy everything for what it is!!

[macpac]

Oops, I didn't finish. I appreciate both of you for just listening and appreciating problems. Anyone else I know who I'ld talk about these things to (ie my partner) would just get annoyed that I was bringing them up again and dispute them. Apparently I do have friends and don't realise it! Apparently I can talk to them about problems too?

[manuel_moe_g]

I am going through my own struggles with depressive thoughts. My lifelong habit is to have depressive, negative thoughts running through my head all the time. I am starting to stop those thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. I am careful not to beat myself up for having depressive thoughts - I don't want to punish myself. This new pattern of thinking requires much effort, and I slip up often. I wish it wasn't so much work.

[rc409]

ManielMoe, thats concept of working to be happy. I use my job too much to make me happy. Day goes way better when I fix things. Not so well when I have to order parts and cannot succeed, or finish.

Oh well. Thats what proves I'm crazy, and I know nothing else! LOL