Deemed unfixable

[rc409]

Neufena, Two days ago I talked to a man who was in charge of this multi-million dollar cancer research facility that is doubling in size with new construction. Hos company saves the elderly, children, anyone who might get cancer.

I has no idea what to say to him, so I asked how it all happened. How HE became the man over something like this. You could tell he had a story, but his first line to me was, "I always felt like I was a piece of garbage...." His reaction told me he still feels the same way.

I winder if its ok to just accept its our internal measuring system thats goofed up, not us as individuals?

[neufena]

I think you're right rc409, it's sometimes the internal measuring system at fault. I the example you gave he clearly has risen to level in a worthwhile job. We can't comment on his character, social life or creative skills but in business he's done well and it would be beneficial to acknowledge that.

I don't manage a huge business doing great things. I do nothing. I work as hard as I can, try to be all I can, try to please everybody and still I'm nothing.

I'm told (by the ex therapist) this is normal. I was bullied. All the other millions who bounced straight back, lets sweep that under the rug.

[wolftamer73]

Neufena, I just want to give you a huge hug right now. I used to feel the same way that you do, that I had nothing to contribute to the world, that I had no value, no worth. It took me a LONG time (and finding a good therapist) to realize that I just hadn't found my place yet, and I am eternally grateful that I didn't give up on myself. There were many times that I felt like just letting go and giving up, but I somehow managed to push my way through it. When I read your sentence below ("I work as hard as I can, try to be all I can, try to please everybody and still I'm nothing") I almost cried in relief, because that very fact that you still try shows that you still have hope. I know some people who don't give a shit what people think of them, or how others feel, they live just for themselves and their own pleasure. They are takers and make no attempt to better themselves, or even find out who they are. You sound to me like someone who is searching for a place, for a purpose, for acceptance - which already puts you way ahead of those people.

Trust me, don't give up - you have no idea of what the future holds for you, the universe has an annoying way of throwing things in your path when you least expect it. Find something that you love to do, whether you feel like you are good at it or not, and do that thing. Let the love of the thing be its own reward, giving no attention to if others appreciate it. Put it out there into the world and let it find it's audience.

As for the therapist, they sound like a douchebag. If your doctor won't refer you to a different therapist, try to find local low-cost therapy (it is often available, start with a google search), also try finding a local support group.

You are not alone

[neufena]

Thanks,

I do still have hope, but the hope is not what (I suspect) you want me to have. My hope is that one day somebody will help me come to terms with how worthless I am. I have given up all hope of ever achieving anything. I keep trying, I'm not sure why but I've got such a large number of years of evidence that I just won't succeed.

As for the therapist. I don't think he was a douche, but just ran out of patience. It can't be easy to have someone like me to deal with. But I will go back to my doctor and see if there's anything that can be done. Given he wants me to come of meds I doubt he'll be much help. As for low fee therapy I'm in so much debt I have no spare money at all, I have nothing.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am trying to come to terms with how my dreams are unlikely to come true because of the limitations of myself. Is that kind of what you mean by "worthless"?

[neufena]

Not really.

I mean I have never done anything of worth, I provide nothing of worth and I am afraid I never will.

[Fargin]

Worthlessness is my roadblock.

I believe, that because I feel worthless in my core, I must fit anything I experience, do and am told to this belief.

If I experience anything, that goes against this belief, I get confused, scared, angry or sad and I'll have to ignore it, otherwise I'll lose my edge, lower my guard and get hurt again. I don't know, if anyone's ever said something nice to you, but I used to always dismiss compliments or praise, because these people were fooled by my facade and didn't see the whole picture of me, a worthless, stupid and ugly little coward.

But maybe I'm the one, who were fooled, the one who believed I'd never amount to anything, never be loved, never feel safe. I believe this in my core, I believe the circumstances of my childhood, my own sensitivities, taught me to believe this, because if I never hoped for much, never trusted anyone or let someone in, I'd never get hurt as bad as I used to.

I will always be worthless, as long as I believe, I'm worthless. I believe, I have to change this core belief somehow, if I'll ever find any worth in life. I've already started, it's a massive task, it's filled with conflict and danger and it might take all my life. But since, I've begun questioning and fighting my worthlessness, I feel like, I've stopped threading water and slowly started moving forward.

I just turned 42 and I've just started fighting back.


(Sorry if this rah rah speech was way too much, at least my worthlessness tells me, that it is.)

[rc409]

You know whats super annoying?

Not the folks with low self worth, or none (like me), its the ones who really have self worth, and are not afraid to show you, and tell you.

Give me a room full of you, anyday.

[neufena]

So it's now been over a month. I've finished the book on Emotional Intelligence I was reading and the list of other reading suggestion my therapist was sending have never arrived. My mood is getting lower and lower. I really don't know what to. I feel like I should go back to my GP and see what's next. But if I really have been given up on then what can they do? Assisted suicide isn't legal in the UK so they can't say "we can't fix you so we'll just put you down" like a vet would say.

I guess it's just keep trudging through life, hoping and trying to do something, ANYTHING, that will make =me stand out as special. Something that I can say "yes I'm proud of that" and not something that millions of people do every second.

[fifthsonata]

I guess it's just keep trudging through life, hoping and trying to do something, ANYTHING, that will make =me stand out as special. Something that I can say "yes I'm proud of that" and not something that millions of people do every second.

Why? Why try to define yourself in this manner? You are who you are - what you achieve, whether it be something "average" or something out of the ordinary, why try to create a sense of self-worth based on "achievements?" Even if it's been done a thousand times - fostering an animal, donating blood, being a firefighter - it's all worthy things that are needed and appreciated in this world.

I'm not saying this to guilt you. I'm saying this because I wasted many years trying to Do Something Great! with myself to feel like I had earned a spot on this planet. Truth is....well, the truth is fucking cliche, trite, and easily ignored. The truth is that your achievement is being you. Accepting who you are, accepting flaws, accepting that maybe your thoughts and sense of self are skewered, and trying to work with them. Working beyond that seems to attract people you'd never expect - that vulnerability opens doors for others to be vulnerable as well. To connect on that base human level.

Even if your Big Thing is to be the friend another human (or animal!) needed, it is enough. You are enough by simply being you.