Feeling contradictory

[eshkol]

Hi all.

I wanted to share this, though I have no idea if it makes any sense written out... I’m currently suffering from ME (sometimes called chronic fatigue syndrome or fibromyalgia syndrome... the names are many and there’s debate over the overlaps and differences). I’ve always been skeptical to approaching treatment from the viewpoint of psychology first. For me, the brain-foginess, fatigue and instability in my life stems, as I perceive it, from some chemical disbalance that causes me, ultimately, to experience the emotions I go through. And I know, mental health is a matter of neurochemical disbalance also, but nonetheless I’ve been careful so far about going on mood-altering medication... which will presumably change very soon if I don’t manage to change course after 7 years with this illness. Point is, it’s confusing living with a chronic condition and struggling with mental health on top of that.

But that’s not what I wanted to share. I just needed to preface this with my backstory, because a lot of the negative emotion I experience comes from the extreme feeling of ‘brain fog’ that I experience constantly. The issue I became aware of, perhaps recently, are contradictory emotions.

My identity is blurry, so are my thoughts and so are my emotions. Self-esteem? Low. But high. I’m pretty sure I’m a narcissist. On some days I feel all cocky and behave rudely to other people. Some other day I’m the biggest loser in life. So, what is the true me? I don’t know. Perhaps, I thought, I do have low self-esteem but try to mask it with cocky behaviour. Wrong. I don’t actually know anymore, what am I feeling? I can’t remember, and I don’t think about it.

Everything is ambiguous. If you ask me how my day was, the information is not there, not on my mind. The obligatory response for me would be ‘I’m doing well’. But how I am actually doing, that is something I am so detached from, I don’t feel qualified to even answer that. There is no answer to my feelings because I’m in a good mood and a bad mood simultaneously. Cocky and humble at the same time. Polite and posh and a rude and a misanthropist, all of the above. An idealist, a dreamer, a teary-eyed romantic, another day a skeptic, a cynical, cold-blooded, stoic atheist. The atheist part is possibly the only constant. There are so many variables and my feelings are on the other side of the fog that’s surrounding me and I’m pretty damn far away from them.

I change my opinion every day. And my feelings towards people. I have possibly only two friends toward whom I feel a true affection and trust. The other ones... sure, one day I platonically love you and the other day I conjure up a paranoid grudge against you. Five days ago a friend of mine touched my food and it took me just about five days to get that grudge out of my system. I know it’s nonsense to feel cross about such things, I’m perfectly aware. But that’s just how I feel, and I hate it.

In relationships, I feel positive affection, and then scorn, excitement, then fear, I feel dominant, then passive, or rather, all at the same time.

So, yeah, I did some reading on borderline personality disorder. It sounds like an awful lot of what I’m experiencing, but with my ability to minimise, I wouldn’t ever admit to even suspect that I qualify. I’ll have to go and talk to someone to get some second (and third and fourth) opinion and then see.

If you read all the way, sincere thanks. This is raw text that I spewed out fairly quickly, so excuse the inconsistencies. I don’t know what I’m asking for, but I know it always helps to reach out.

Perhaps, if anyone identifies with this, let me know...

- eshkol

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello eshkol, I read your post and I honor your pain. It is OK to share that you are feeling contradictory. Before my breakdown, I had a floating self-hatred along with an intense need to protect my ego - I ended up with bouncing between narcissism and self-pity and self-hatred. Eckhart Tolle's _A_New_Earth_ is a good book for dealing with the damaging parts of the ego.

Please take care, you don't deserve to suffer. All the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[Schelmfisch]

Sorry for responding so long after the original post, but oh wow do I identify with this one. You have perfectly summed up such a large part of my own struggles.

I don't know if you will ever read this, but I hope things are improving for you. If I am right in seeing a similarity in our battles, than yours might also be a shape-shifting cypher-ninja-beast with no clear beginning or end. Certainly not the kind of thing that you fight by flailing a sword around. I would be so interested to hear how you cope if you ever come back on here.

As Paul says: sending you a hug.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I think every one of us has ambiguity...and I think it's all a spectrum. I too have low self esteem, but on some days feel cocky. I don't know which one is the real me, but with depression/anxiety (I also have fibro), the low self esteem tends to win out. I'm also very antisocial, but maybe twice a year or so, a wave of loneliness will come at me like a tsunami out of no where and I'm frantically trying to get in touch with my friends that I've avoided. I'm antisocial because I have a big social anxiety that keeps me inside my house where I feel that it's 'safe.' I'll have that psychotic anxiety for about a week where I can't focus on anything because I feel like I'm falling into a dark pit. I'm very lonely, but I'm antisocial. I want to connect, but don't like people in general because it gives me anxiety.

I think it's a good idea to go talk to professionals about it. It sounds like you are pretty objective about yourself.

[eshkol]

Thanks for the responses!

It’s been a long time since I last logged in to the forum. But the responses and the validation always seems so heartening; it’s nice to be heard and to connect. Thank you, manuel_moe_g, for the book recommendation—it took me long, but I’m checking out Eckhart Tolle now. Schelmfisch, I’d love to hear some more about your struggles if you read this message—also wishing you the best, and sending a hug... And funny enough, Brooke’s writing about social anxiety perhaps foreshadowed what I was about to find myself—so there’s one more similarity for you: social anxiety.

The only aspect in which I feel I progressed is general understanding of my issues; when I deconstruct my problems (mental or physical), it’s somewhat easier to comprehend the issue and feel less alone. Mine is a problem of detachment due to mental depletion (which I find other ME sufferers understand) combined with social anxiety that makes me ruminate about my behaviour and sends me down a spiral. I wouldn’t describe myself as anti-social, but surely anxious and, by all means, plagued with obsessive thoughts that come out when I interact with people. Because the exertion that originates in chronic fatigue comes in waves, there are lows and highs (though more like lows and low-ers for me). So therefore if I reach a high, I tend to overcompensate in that I try to be as engaging and eager and self-assured as possible, because I know, deep down, that during the lows I’m missing out. That’s a struggle that I just recently managed to formulate.

It’s terrible how mental illness can make you see the world darker, more tragic and more hostile than it actually is, and to project that into every part of your daily life. I’m 20 now, and because I didn’t get to the best university, I haven’t had a sexual relationship yet and I’m physically unfit, I get the idea of mortality stuck in my head. I get the nagging feeling that the world is passing me by and, even at twenty, I’m thinking of having to die one day and how I’m headed toward wasting my life entirely, because I’ll never get to do what I wanted to do and I’ll never get to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy.

So yeah, I’ve stepped in the direction of understanding. Let’s hope I’ll make it to the healing part.

All in all, this post is now most probably in the wrong category. Borderline personality disorder isn’t a label that helps to explain things in my case.

Thanks...

[donkarp]

Hi Eshkol--

Thanks for sharing. For being only 20 your writing style and grasp of who you are is very advanced.

But going back to your first entry, you mention brain chemistry and medications.

Please go see: madinamerica.com

Here you will understand that there is no scientific evidence for brain chemistry, or genetics for that matter, causing "mental illness."
Also there is no solid evidence that any medications taken on the long term resolve problems. In fact there is some evidence that these medications cause the illness, although the research on this is very difficult to evaluate.

Keep on writing. For me, it is one of the better therapies.

[eshkol]

donkarp,

thanks for your response and I wish you all the best.

However, with all due respect, I have worked in neurobiology labs and study biological sciences at uni, there’s no chance of me buying that there’s no chemical link to mental illness. This might come across as agitated, and that is because I genuinely believe the sort of viewpoint you suggested can seriously hurt other people, including so many suffering from chronic illnesses combined with mental illnesses who are (wrongly) treated on a purely talk-therapy basis.

I do not discount your personal experience, though, of which you most assuredly have more than I do.

Take care.

[eshkol]

And now,

falling in love and feeling depressed due to expecting it to end up badly. Though there’s little reason.

That’s a vicious circle...

I wish I knew the way to escape the self-fulfilling prophecies.

I wish I could get rid of the ambiguities in my life. They’re everywhere.

e.