I'm a 32 year-old gay male, with a younger brother (by five years) and a younger sister (by eight years). Both siblings still live at home. My parents have been married over 30 years. Throughout our lives, my dad has been emotionally abusive to all of us for different reasons, but especially towards me, as I was the first born son. My intuition tells me, and a little bit of folk psychology too, that my father harbors a long-held fantasy that his wife (our mother) is in fact his own mother who was emotionally absent from his own childhood. He sees his children more as sibling rivals, vying for the attention of my mother. Any attention she has ever given us, he resents, not her, but his children.
All my life I was shamed by my father for "taking advantage of your mother" and not "doing enough to help your mother around the house". Funny this, considering my father does nothing for himself. He's jealous, controlling, possessive, unpredictable -- a bully if you ask me.
Over the past year he's pushed his children further and further away. No one has been speaking to him for at least the past six months. He doesn't think he's ever done anything wrong. He's the world's greatest father. Anything he's done that has hurt us, is because we're misunderstanding his intentions. I've heard so many times, "I didn't mean it that way".
A few months ago my mother wrote a five page letter outlining every way my father has hurt her and our family. I've not seen the letter, but I do know that my mother told my dad, "You've ruined my life." She held on to it, finally giving it to him last week.
Following this letter, my dad said he "wants his family back." For whatever reason, my mother is now putting on my shoulders the process of getting my dad "help". He's been in therapy once before with mixed results. My mom is ready to throw him out. My sister isn't willing to play ball anymore. I quote:
My dad emailed me to set up a phone call. I don't know where to start. It's too late for apologies. I am willing, however, to help him get "help." But what kind of help? How soon? What happens if he doesn't follow up? I have always feared my father. I've never been able to stand up to him my whole life. This is an opportunity to do just that, but I don't know if I can.I just told mommy. I know u want us to all be a family and be a unit. But I don't want that. I don't want him in my life. I know he needs help but I have had enough. I want nothing to do with him.
She seems like she wants him to get help so we can all be together because that first time around wasn't the right kind of help. So we need to try another type of help
But I don't really care that the first time wasn't the right help he needed. Like now we should wait and see the help he gets the second time around is the right kind of help. I don't want to do that. I could care less about him.
This is going to end with daddy telling mommy I want help. Will u help me find a doctor. And of course she will. And we will just be doing this all over again.
I just have a feeling. If he said to mommy today. I want help. I need to find a doctor. She would be doing this all over again in a heartbeat. Because to her it's easier to stay together then to separate
Thanks!
