I have depression and self-harm issues. I see a therapist and have been in therapy since 2008. It has quite literally saved my life. Depression, for me, feels like a chronic pain. I'll be great for a week, and then out of nowhere, it'll flare up and I just wanna die for 2 straight months. I am at the mercy of my own faulty chemistry; as if my brain has no parent, and the fickle-ass kids are in charge. I am in a phase right now where I have very little friends, and I am lonely. I live in a competitive environment, and it just sucks trying to find real friends in this environment. I also do not have a good relationship with any of my family. I dream of creating a family with wonderful friends one day. In therapy, I'm currently working on how to be my own parent, lover, and friend. I think it's actually starting to work. I am married to a giving, kind, emotionally frozen man whom I love very much. And I keep hoping maybe he'll work that emotional shit out one day. Because it's damn hard. I work in a creative field, and the insecurity that comes with that can be rough. I struggle with getting easily overwhelmed and panicking, and when I panic, I whack the shit out my head. I'm also very sensitive, and I can feel deeply about things very quickly and not understand what is logically going on until a lot later. That type of scenario also triggers my urge to hit my head. My therapist is teaching me how to "shake off" negative energy. I hope it works.
Past - I grew up very anxious. When I was 5 until about 8 years old, I became deathly afraid of clouds. Yes, those fluffy things in the sky. I thought every one of them was going to produce a tornado that was going to kill me. That's also a great metaphor for my growing up years.
I developed anorexia in high school. After reaching a ridiculously low weight, losing my period, and developing hypothyroidism, my parents took me to therapy for 2 months. The therapist told them to read a book about anorexia. They wouldn't do it. The therapist then told them to stop coming if they couldn't read the book. My dad then skimmed the book, made a joke about how funny it was that they refused to read the book, took me to a couple more sessions, then just stopped.
Mom and dad made fun of me. A lot. They were bullies. My sister then started bullying me. My parents thought it was funny that she was so "quick-witted" and continued to encourage it. My acne, my weight, my personality - nothing was off-limits. I felt so unsafe.
I have and always have had a poor relationship with my mother. She is critical and shaming of me, while also being completely obsessed with me, to the point where it makes my skin crawl. She is prison to me.
I have a poor relationship with my dad as well. He is a "functioning" alcoholic who has a few more endearing qualities than my mom. He can have moments of genuine love. I believe he is quite depressed. He is also passive and has a terrible view of women. I don't know how he and my mom are still together.
I have a sister whom I speak with on a fairly regular basis. She is married to an alcoholic, and she is very explosive like my mother. She is a very angry person, and I'm not sure why on earth I keep talking to her.
I hope I can meet some fellow strugglers, some others who have felt the darkness at the bottom of the well. Maybe we can help each other climb out.
