Don't be sad, don't fuck up. Don't be sad, don't fuck up.

[heart]

I feel like I can't be sad anymore. I feel like I can't fuck up anymore too, like ever. Like we're entitled to an acceptable amount of days in our lives to be sad and an acceptable amount of 'fuck ups' and I've used them all up like ages ago.

When I was eighteen I fucked up bad. I'd always fucked up before but this was bad enough that everyone knew. My friends and family really helped me out and supported me, I'm super lucky. So when I graduated high school not long after, I decided to study a super demanding university course because I wanted to give everyone some peace like 'oh good she's not a mess anymore'; to prove to everyone that I was worth all the money they spent and heartache they went through to get me here. I also made sure that the university is halfway around the world from everyone because I wasn't sure if I could be okay, or if was worth everything they did for me. This way I could lie to them if things got bad.

It's a few years later, now things aren't bad exactly, I was mostly happy until recently. Nothing happened its just for the past few months I feel really sad and broken and empty. And somedays I feel wrecked by what has happened to me in the past (that's so embarrassing to type out) and like I'll never feel stable. I want to call my family or friends from back home and talk about how i've been feeling, tell them the truth when they ask me how i'm doing but like I said I feel like I used up all my 'sad days'. I want to quit my course because I'm not passionate about what I'm studying. I've gotten some work experience in the field I'm training for and I just don't think it's my place in the world. But I've used up all the' fuck ups' so I feel like I can't quit, just finish school and work. Don't fuck up. You've used up all your fuck ups.

I want to tell my friends here where I live now, about the things that happened when I was younger and how recently I feel so bitter about it all, sad and angry (pathetic I know but its how I've been feeling). But they've never seen me this sad before and they don't know about my past. I feel like when I got here the slate was so blank. No one knew all that shit so I could just pretend that all of that never happened. I want to tell them but I feel like if I tell them now, then they will know how many sad days and fuck ups I've already used up, and I feel like they will judge me and think I'm pathetic. I think they'll think 'It's been years get over it', 'Shouldn't you have turned your life around by now?'

Okay I just read through what I wrote and realised how I really need to start seeing a therapist again. I hear Paul's voice in my head 'google low fee therapy in your city'. So i'm gonna do that. Excuse this mess of a post.

[Fargin]

Nothing to excuse and you're expressing what a lot of us feel or have felt at some point.

I'm trying to shed my fuck up identity, because constantly worrying about fucking up, fucks you up. Whenever I held on to a job I hated or a study I didn't feel passionate about, I thought: "At least everyone is thinking, I'm doing alright, at least they're not worried about me." I could easily fell compassion about others's sad situations, but my own were pathetic and burdensome.

Took me time to accepted that I needed therapy and took me time to accept, I deserved therapy and you deserve it too. A safe place to practice expressing your sadness, anger and telling your story. For me it changed from wiping the slate clean, to accepting what was already written and then to begin to write something new.

Or as as Paul always says: "Trust me, I used to be on TV."

[Brooke]

Hi

I can relate to how you are feeling...I get really anxious whenever I tell someone about my feelings, even if I know they care about me. In my mind, I'm thinking that they are tired of hearing me go on and on and I'm convinced that I'm being portrayed as the "crazy one." This podcast really made me realize that the ultimate freedom and power is for us to be able to express ourselves and be secure about it (well, somewhat secure). I know in my head that no one really sits there and analyzes me as much as I do myself, but still I'm so scared of what other people think about me.

I think you are incredibly brave for moving halfway around the world by yourself and take up a really strict course. And you realize you need to get therapy again (which is also wise and brave).

[Brooke]

I'm so glad you are going to start seeing a therapist!! That's exactly how I felt. I feel like you are so hard on yourself about not being able to use your sad days anymore... Sure, some people might judge you for it, but they're not the ones that love you truly... You were still so young when you fucked up and everybody around you supported you--they seem amazing. So from there to jumping into a super demanding university course far away seems a little extreme (not judging you). Maybe you really wanted to pay back and please others that have helped you... But when it's not genuinely coming from the heart and more of a rebound reaction to the other extreme, all of the stress from the first fuck up and now jumping into this can really wear you down...

I hope you get some clarity into the fact that you don't need to live life to please others, even if they've gotten you out of your mess. In hindsight, it was probably better to just deal with the PTSD of what happened before doing anything more in your life...but I know hindsight is 20/20. It's not too late to start working through your trauma. It will kill you if you keep feeling like you have to prove things to others. It'll be a never-ending saga.

Talking to friends might be good too, but it seems like you are overwhelmed with your emotions right now, so going to them straight and dumping everything might scare them away. So dumping everything out to your therapist and getting more balance emotionally beforehand might be smart. And friends that judge you aren't your real friends, so being alone if you have to and taking care of yourself is a much better option than having toxic friends who will make you feel worse.

But within yourself, there are no limit to sad days and fuck up days. I hope you can start to realize that with your therapist and learn how you can accept and love yourself, with flaws and everything

[Brooke]

Oh, I didn't realize I've already replied before...oops, well you get a double message from me!