Pain/regret from a life of avoidance

[manuel_moe_g]

Until the age of 25 I experience absolutely no tenderness, sex, intimacy with the opposite sex. From 25 to 30, it was very, very little that I experienced.

I have started reading novels for enjoyment, and I find the descriptions of normal tenderness, sex, intimacy to be quite painful to read. I have pain and regret from a life of avoidance.

My life of avoidance was caused by depression and anxiety and an ego that was trying desperately to hold things together so I could maintain an unrealistic grandiosity about myself. It made me push away all chances for tenderness, sex, intimacy in my young life (I am 44 now).

The way I am trying to understand it is that if I had a physical disability that kept me from tenderness, sex, intimacy I would cut myself some slack. Like, if I was a burn victim, I would cut myself some slack. I would not hate myself for my lack that caused me great pain. You can guess, I tend to hate myself for the choices I have made in my young life.

Instead of a physical disability, my disability was a sick mind. With great effort, I have turned things around from the years 25 to 44, and I am still working on it.

My youthful disability from depression and anxiety and sick ego is very real. I plead with myself "forgive yourself, you were ill with an illness that was not physically visible".

It is working, this attempt at forgiving myself. I am a few days removed from a severe depressive episode with suicidal ideation. I still feel tender and vulnerable, with my eyes seemingly on the constant verge of crying, but I have stepped outside of the very darkest stuff.

"Don't feel sorry for yourself" I say to myself. I need to really live in the present, for the loved ones I currently share my life with.

If I can remember all that I have written above, I can make it through.

[rc409]

I really dont want you to be dead. You are kind of a big deal to a bunch of us here.

As far as suicide goes.....I realized this after my last attempt.Maybe considered a success since they did have to shock my heart back to life.

Honest, whats the worst thing that can happen to us in our daily struggles? Being dead.

So, people like you and I try to speed up this death process. Why?

(keep in mind I was on top of this beautiful building, glass enclosed. A really nice mental institution that i was in. )

I realized I pretty much had nothing to lose by participating in life, being that I was ready to hit the off switch. No job, relationship, etc was going to kill me, so there was nothing to lose by trying.

I'm glad you are here!

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks rc409. My major depressive episodes are few and far between. I just have to walk the tightrope for a few days, then it is over.

[rc409]

Moe, The part we.....Oh, here i go pretending to be you, but anyway, no offense intended...

We logically know our depression is like that, yet, when it happens, this episode will last forever? WHY? Why does it always feel that way?

[manuel_moe_g]

We logically know our depression is like that, yet, when it happens, this episode will last forever?

I guess because the part of the brain that makes feelings about the future is diseased by depression too, so we get a depressed vision of the future with no hope and no joy and no possible sense of accomplishment.

What I am trying to do now is (1) forgive myself for actions of avoidance taken in the past, because I was under the grip of sickness (2) live 10 minutes at a time (3) have an attitude of gratitude because objectively I would not risk changing my life with another person on earth chosen at random. I know objectively I have it better than the vast majority of people on earth, and I have to have some gratitude about that. (4) when I have the body posture of depression, change my body posture to put my head up and my chest out, and have the active motion of a person that is optimistic.

Wish me luck. I am glad you are here, rc409. Stay strong and keep doing the stuff that works.

[rc409]

Moe, hold on just a minute. I think you are being extremely unfair to yourself.

Look at one of the current, active posts here. We have a young girl feeling like her life is over because she cant be with her soulmate. Its 100% real, and feels like the end all for her. You can feel the pain when she describes the situation.

What she doesn't know is ten years from now, 15, or 20 maybe...maybe a year, but she has no idea what the future holds for her. If she did, odds are she would be sitting with her real soul mate, laughing about how she felt in 2015.

So, we sit here at 50 some years old and wish we could have had the same life experience, confidence and ability when we were 25? 35? or 45? Really? do you think?

At the same time, its not really reasonable to be sitting here as 50 year olds bashing the poor goofed up individuals we were at those younger ages.

That stuff..the avoidance, the settling for less, the crappy jobs, the missed opportunities..thats what it took to be who we are today. Without that, youd never be who you are now.

[manuel_moe_g]

That stuff..the avoidance, the settling for less, the crappy jobs, the missed opportunities..thats what it took to be who we are today. Without that, youd never be who you are now.

Yeah, I hear you. I was thinking just yesterday that if my life was more "blessed" I would not have the same values that I hold so dear now. It is just that my early life was so unnecessarily painful.

[rivergirl]

manuel_moe_g,
I'm so sorry to hear about your recent dark time. I relate very much to your feelings of grief over lost chances for happiness due to avoidance and mental health issues in your past. I agree with rc409 that sometimes it's possible to find a silver lining in the pain, but oh my God, it's hard to see that when you are in the midst of mourning and re-experiencing the loss and pain once more. I'm glad you're finding some compassion for manuel_moe_g again. He did the best he could with what he knew at the time, I'm sure of that. Please be as kind and gentle with him right now as you have encouraged so many of us here on the forum to be with ourselves.

rivergirl

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks rivergirl.

[weary]

I was thinking just yesterday that if my life was more "blessed" I would not have the same values that I hold so dear now.

Truth.

You are unique and you are irreplaceable on this earth, and you are a product of all of your experiences, the good and the bad. You have learned and become a better and stronger person through your suffering. And you have helped many other people (myself included) by being so honest with yourself and with us through your posts on this board.

I second guess my choices in life constantly. I feel like I have missed out on some important things, and that makes me sad. Sometimes I feel like I still have a chance at them, but the window is closing and I'm afraid and that makes me anxious. I know that feeling and I know how incapacitating it can be when it overwhelms you, but I also know that you have found so many techniques that help you work through it. Stay strong, my friend.