Applecider,
I just wanted to see how you were doing, I hope you have been making some more connections with your therapist, and you have been able to sit with some of the negative feelings and process them. Most importantly, I hope you aren't in contact with your ex. Whether or not you two should have contact in the future is not for me to say, but you by all means possible should separate yourself now. I apologize for saying what I think you should do, but it seems like it will just be reopening fresh wounds. I hope you are being compassionate towards yourself and surrounding yourself with caring people. Let us know how things are going.
I feel like a horrid person
-
Applecider
- Posts: 35
- Joined: October 22nd, 2015, 1:30 pm
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Depression, Anxiety, Co-dependent, problems maintaining relationships.
- preferred pronoun: She
Re: I feel like a horrid person
Hi WD (and anyone else who is checking in.)
I'm alive, and I'm okay. I hesitate to say that I think I am doing better because I don't think I am happier, but I think I am more at ease.
I am still seeing my therapist, and she's very good. She was able to squeeze in an extra session when I was really struggling while going through a med switch. I switched from Prozac to Cymbalta because I broke out in hives. I was miserable on the Cymbalta and more anxious, plus I started picking at my scalp (I've always been a picker.. but I was actually digging sores into my skin). I switched back to Prozac and now my Nurse and I are waiting to see if the hives come back. I'm feeling calmer since the switch.
I am still listening to the podcast, and I took Paul's advice and listened to "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle. Normally I'm not one for spiritual, new age stuff because I am such a science lover but he made a lot of good points, good sense, and talked about the spiritual without going into the religious ideas that conflict with what I understand through science. I'm one of those people who can look at the night sky and see the order of the cosmos and recognize a higher power.
I am.. trying really hard to understand what this work is that so many people seem to talk about. I don't feel like I am doing any work, I feel like I am flailing about but I am trying to do something. My Therapist and I spent a session talking about how I felt during the relationship with my ex, writing down a good list and a bad list. I don't know if I shared it here yet but.. there were many times when I was deeply confused and conflicted during our relationship. I recently remembered in one of the first conversations we had, that I was a tough offended when he dropped this self-help therapist on youtube who supposedly could 'cure' stuttering. See above for being not one for new age stuff.. Stuttering can not.. really be cured in a way. Sure there are people who have learned how to speak without a stutter, but I've never seen that classified as a cure because it's not a disease.. it's.. something wrong with the wiring or the firing in the brain (as far as I have read). It's not a defect in the muscles or structure of the parts used in speech. I remember being a little.. peeved that he.. thinks the Moon landing was a hoax. This was early on in our relationship and I wanted to look past those sorts of things because.. isn't that what you're suppose to do? They weren't deal breakers for me. Here.. i'll write some of the bad down from my list.
-His depression. He was/is severely depressed. Many times he told me about how he wished he hadn't been born because he didn't want his life and felt stuck and unable to change it. How he just wanted to live in a cabin in the woods with no one around and not have to deal with anything or anyone.
-A lack of joy or appreciation in life.. an awe?
-Made me feel bad about having obtained a college degree with honors because he was illegally home schooled (Nothing wrong with home schooling) and felt.. distrustful of the education system? I remember being surprised he didn't know what mitochondria were.. this led to a discussion with my therapist about how I feel shame for being.. smart compared to so many of my peers in school? That I liked doing schoolwork and homework.
-Throughout most of our relationship, things were hot and cold from him.
-Insomnia that was not under control and that he was not making any attempts at controlling beyond taking a herbal supplement and hoping. Not changing his habits to try and find a solution. Pishposhing solutions such as listening to a relaxing show or podcast, or even an over the counter sleep aid, or even trying to do more physical work or walking.
-Panicky when over stimulated. There were times when after spending a weekend with me (he always wanted to come over to my place or have me spend a weekend or night at his) when he would.. almost shut down and become very withdrawn and just want to retreat, sometimes very suddenly. I remember this one time when it was like a switch being flipped and I began crying and becoming anxious and he got upset at me. I was hurt and felt I had done something wrong/was being abandoned.
- He said he was an alcoholic.. and made an attempt to stop drinking but after a few weeks, went back because he.. had it under control? Freely admitted he drank to numb himself.
-While he was friendly with my dog, he often times wanted me to spend the night at his place despite me having to go home and take care of my dog and would be.. hurt?upset?angry? about that. His family had animals but he was very distant from their care.. which bothered me. I wanted to go out and play and cuddle and love on the animals, and I didn't mind doing work such as cleaning the stall or gathering hay.
-He could be aggressively judgmental of people and places.. reminding me of that hipster saying of 'I was cool before that was cool'.. except he has no room to talk and is hypocritical? (saying my town has a bad energy and feels.. rednecky.. and yet he lives on a farm, with his parents, in amish country and dreams of being a big webdesign CEO in the city/wanting to live in a cabin in the woods, never seeing anyone yet making money).
My therapist and I are working on.. me understanding that these were redflags. i remember thinking a number of times in our relationship that I wasn't happy, that I wanted a more loving, caring, active relationship. I shouldn't leave a date and cry on my way home, feeling ugly and unloved because my boyfriend rejected my intimate advances should I?
I also.. am starting to think if.. he liked the confident me that I like to think that I was becoming and then.. dragged me down? I felt like I was holding onto a person in the water, trying to help them climb onto shore but they weren't do any work. And that's when he felt disenchanted? i feel as if he is not living in reality by not address his fundamental problems (No solid job outlooks, illegally home schooled (No problem with home schooling, but he had no documentation to show his education), a negative outlook on life in general). When we talked, he felt like he had done a 180 and was suddenly schooling me on taking care of my mental health, that I was the one who was pathetic and in need of desperate help. Which.. I feel so angry about because.. I have my shit together. My therapist and I agree that I may have not done in the order I wanted to, but I have my shit together a lot more than people my age in some ways. I felt.. degraded and shamed? He's now dating a girl who appears to have her own business and according to his dating profile is trying to pass himself off a drink of fine wines and taster of cigars.. and I'm going "Really?"
He kind of reminds me my last ex who lives in a trailer..refuses to work.. and yet his Instagram is full of photos of him with cigars and fancy cars. And they say I have high expectations..
I've wondered today, on my walk with my dog which I am trying to get back into doing (2-days in a row fitbit goal!)... do I need to raise my standards? I don't want to be a prude, selfish girl who only dates guys with fast cars and money.. but do I need to.. do that (so to say)? I'm afraid of coming off as wanting a trust fund millionaire to take care of me when all I really want is an equal-maybe someone smarter than me in areas (because I feel so unsure or uneducated about things) but willing to get their hands dirty doing house work and doesn't mind working for a living? Heh.. I remember that I impressed my ex's big, tough, biker brother by hauling my fair share of hay bales one day. I think that hurt my Ex's feelings.. who seemed to be very unsure of his masculinity - heh. But yeah.. do I need to raise my standards and if so.. how do I overcome feeling bad about it? I feel selfish and rude and like I'm looking down on people if I do that (but in a way I already do because I'm very selective of who I date already personality and looks wise.. apparently not job wise..).
I'd welcome any advice on these things I've been thinking about. Thank you for checking on me.
I'm alive, and I'm okay. I hesitate to say that I think I am doing better because I don't think I am happier, but I think I am more at ease.
I am still seeing my therapist, and she's very good. She was able to squeeze in an extra session when I was really struggling while going through a med switch. I switched from Prozac to Cymbalta because I broke out in hives. I was miserable on the Cymbalta and more anxious, plus I started picking at my scalp (I've always been a picker.. but I was actually digging sores into my skin). I switched back to Prozac and now my Nurse and I are waiting to see if the hives come back. I'm feeling calmer since the switch.
I am still listening to the podcast, and I took Paul's advice and listened to "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle. Normally I'm not one for spiritual, new age stuff because I am such a science lover but he made a lot of good points, good sense, and talked about the spiritual without going into the religious ideas that conflict with what I understand through science. I'm one of those people who can look at the night sky and see the order of the cosmos and recognize a higher power.
I am.. trying really hard to understand what this work is that so many people seem to talk about. I don't feel like I am doing any work, I feel like I am flailing about but I am trying to do something. My Therapist and I spent a session talking about how I felt during the relationship with my ex, writing down a good list and a bad list. I don't know if I shared it here yet but.. there were many times when I was deeply confused and conflicted during our relationship. I recently remembered in one of the first conversations we had, that I was a tough offended when he dropped this self-help therapist on youtube who supposedly could 'cure' stuttering. See above for being not one for new age stuff.. Stuttering can not.. really be cured in a way. Sure there are people who have learned how to speak without a stutter, but I've never seen that classified as a cure because it's not a disease.. it's.. something wrong with the wiring or the firing in the brain (as far as I have read). It's not a defect in the muscles or structure of the parts used in speech. I remember being a little.. peeved that he.. thinks the Moon landing was a hoax. This was early on in our relationship and I wanted to look past those sorts of things because.. isn't that what you're suppose to do? They weren't deal breakers for me. Here.. i'll write some of the bad down from my list.
-His depression. He was/is severely depressed. Many times he told me about how he wished he hadn't been born because he didn't want his life and felt stuck and unable to change it. How he just wanted to live in a cabin in the woods with no one around and not have to deal with anything or anyone.
-A lack of joy or appreciation in life.. an awe?
-Made me feel bad about having obtained a college degree with honors because he was illegally home schooled (Nothing wrong with home schooling) and felt.. distrustful of the education system? I remember being surprised he didn't know what mitochondria were.. this led to a discussion with my therapist about how I feel shame for being.. smart compared to so many of my peers in school? That I liked doing schoolwork and homework.
-Throughout most of our relationship, things were hot and cold from him.
-Insomnia that was not under control and that he was not making any attempts at controlling beyond taking a herbal supplement and hoping. Not changing his habits to try and find a solution. Pishposhing solutions such as listening to a relaxing show or podcast, or even an over the counter sleep aid, or even trying to do more physical work or walking.
-Panicky when over stimulated. There were times when after spending a weekend with me (he always wanted to come over to my place or have me spend a weekend or night at his) when he would.. almost shut down and become very withdrawn and just want to retreat, sometimes very suddenly. I remember this one time when it was like a switch being flipped and I began crying and becoming anxious and he got upset at me. I was hurt and felt I had done something wrong/was being abandoned.
- He said he was an alcoholic.. and made an attempt to stop drinking but after a few weeks, went back because he.. had it under control? Freely admitted he drank to numb himself.
-While he was friendly with my dog, he often times wanted me to spend the night at his place despite me having to go home and take care of my dog and would be.. hurt?upset?angry? about that. His family had animals but he was very distant from their care.. which bothered me. I wanted to go out and play and cuddle and love on the animals, and I didn't mind doing work such as cleaning the stall or gathering hay.
-He could be aggressively judgmental of people and places.. reminding me of that hipster saying of 'I was cool before that was cool'.. except he has no room to talk and is hypocritical? (saying my town has a bad energy and feels.. rednecky.. and yet he lives on a farm, with his parents, in amish country and dreams of being a big webdesign CEO in the city/wanting to live in a cabin in the woods, never seeing anyone yet making money).
My therapist and I are working on.. me understanding that these were redflags. i remember thinking a number of times in our relationship that I wasn't happy, that I wanted a more loving, caring, active relationship. I shouldn't leave a date and cry on my way home, feeling ugly and unloved because my boyfriend rejected my intimate advances should I?
I also.. am starting to think if.. he liked the confident me that I like to think that I was becoming and then.. dragged me down? I felt like I was holding onto a person in the water, trying to help them climb onto shore but they weren't do any work. And that's when he felt disenchanted? i feel as if he is not living in reality by not address his fundamental problems (No solid job outlooks, illegally home schooled (No problem with home schooling, but he had no documentation to show his education), a negative outlook on life in general). When we talked, he felt like he had done a 180 and was suddenly schooling me on taking care of my mental health, that I was the one who was pathetic and in need of desperate help. Which.. I feel so angry about because.. I have my shit together. My therapist and I agree that I may have not done in the order I wanted to, but I have my shit together a lot more than people my age in some ways. I felt.. degraded and shamed? He's now dating a girl who appears to have her own business and according to his dating profile is trying to pass himself off a drink of fine wines and taster of cigars.. and I'm going "Really?"
He kind of reminds me my last ex who lives in a trailer..refuses to work.. and yet his Instagram is full of photos of him with cigars and fancy cars. And they say I have high expectations..
I've wondered today, on my walk with my dog which I am trying to get back into doing (2-days in a row fitbit goal!)... do I need to raise my standards? I don't want to be a prude, selfish girl who only dates guys with fast cars and money.. but do I need to.. do that (so to say)? I'm afraid of coming off as wanting a trust fund millionaire to take care of me when all I really want is an equal-maybe someone smarter than me in areas (because I feel so unsure or uneducated about things) but willing to get their hands dirty doing house work and doesn't mind working for a living? Heh.. I remember that I impressed my ex's big, tough, biker brother by hauling my fair share of hay bales one day. I think that hurt my Ex's feelings.. who seemed to be very unsure of his masculinity - heh. But yeah.. do I need to raise my standards and if so.. how do I overcome feeling bad about it? I feel selfish and rude and like I'm looking down on people if I do that (but in a way I already do because I'm very selective of who I date already personality and looks wise.. apparently not job wise..).
I'd welcome any advice on these things I've been thinking about. Thank you for checking on me.