Freaking out

[Living the Dream]

Last year, I finally went to the Rape & Incest Crisis center to seek group and individual therapy. I self-sabotaged the first meeting and pretty much told them to F-off (they didn't do EXACTLY what I needed them to do in the time I personally thought was acceptable). As you can imagine, nothing improved over the last year, and I contacted them again a few weeks ago - tail between my legs, apologizing for my reaction last time. My first meeting is tonight. I've been doing just fine until a few minutes ago. I feel like crying, running, ripping my hair out, screaming, my heart is skipping beats, and I kinda want to throw up.

I have told many friends how great therapy can be (from what I've heard). I've supported many people through their own therapy journey. I've shared my experience with others, so it's not like I can't talk about it. Why the hell am I flipping out so terribly right now? I know it will be good for me. I KNOW IT...but I just want to get into my car and drive 10 hours in the other direction. I've been trying not to think about it all week so I wouldn't over think. Now, I'm thinking about it.

I thought my best plan would be to come here to this forum and just start writing about how I'm feeling. I've got 45 min left at work before I go to the meeting. Maybe I'll just go hide out and cry in the bathroom until I have to leave.

[manuel_moe_g]

I've got 45 min left at work before I go to the meeting. Maybe I'll just go hide out and cry in the bathroom until I have to leave.

Do what you have to do to get through the day. Please take care, let us know how the meeting went.

[ovoce]

How did group go? Hope you're well!

[Living the Dream]

Hi Friends,

Thanks for reaching out and replying. It's been a few weeks of therapy now, and I'm doing much better. I no longer feel like running my car into a tree on the way there, or trying to figure out how I can get into a car accident so I don't have to go. Yes, I seriously thought about those things on the way to my first meeting. The meeting went well, and I was able to voice how difficult it was for me (last year) to wait 4-6 weeks for a reply. That was their typical time frame to get back to someone. My advocate said that they have since changed their practice/policy, and now they respond and get women in there as fast as possible. I am SO happy to hear that.

As for me, the gigantic boulder that would magically show up in my throat whenever I wanted to talk about my experience has turned into a small stone. For a while there, I thought I had throat cancer or something - I even asked my general med doc about it. He shrugged it off as nothing. But it was a physical reaction to me wanting to talk about things and my body automatically saying "you're not supposed to talk about it, so I'll shut you down."

I also went to an art therapy class (group setting) this week. THAT was hard. All of the women there were able to visualize their feelings/experience on the paper and vocalize through their poetic writing afterward. Mine went something like this, "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm actually pretty happy that I don't give a shit that I don't know what I'm fucking doing." It was my first group activity with other survivors of sexual trauma. I'm hoping for some breakthroughs in that class, but we'll see.

Again, thanks for reaching out. I'm glad I could come and vent in this forum to pass some time that day. I was a big fucking mess.

I also have to say I am exhausted all the time. Releasing only part (at this point) of my experience makes me want to just sleep all the time. Like the stress pony I've been riding since childhood has finally taken a break and is letting me get off. I'm excited and terrified to see what the next few months holds for me.

[ovoce]

I'm so glad things are going well, and I was so happy to hear your survey/email to Paul on the show today!

[Living the Dream]

Thank you so much, Ovoce! I've got a long way to go, but thanks to resources like this show and forum, I have no timeline and lots of patience.

Have a beautiful day!