When mental illness is a competition. Just ranting, sorry.

[ovoce]

To preface this, I have not been doing well lately, and that has made me very easily angered and irritated. I've been going through months of the deepest depression I've probably ever been in, with about a month of suicidal ideation and even two attempts, and no psychiatrist or therapist to help me (damn waiting lists). So I'm probably being irrational.

Being in such a rough spot, I've tried turning to friends who suffer mental illness. I have one friend who is also depressed, and who I tried talking to about how I'm feeling (mostly to take some strain off my husband, my primary confidante) but, whether she realizes it or not, she seems to want to "out-do" me in everything I say.

I'm feeling super horrible lately, I am trying so hard to find a therapist and can't

Oh I wish I just had to see a therapist, I have a therapist, a psychiatrist, and now I'm trying to find a (insert super specialized means of therapy here) and it's so difficult!

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I finally got an appointment with a doctor for next month! I hope he can put me back on Prozac even though he's not a psych.

How high of a dosage were you on?

20mg

Oh wow I'm on TWO HUNDRED mg of Zoloft!

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I've been having panic attacks lately, they're really scary because I've never had them before. I can't breathe, my limbs go numb, and I feel like my heart will explode.

That's super normal, I have none of that. I start vomitting and have diarrhea and curl up and writhe and uncontrollably cry and blah blah blah

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Have you ever heard of this podcast Mental Illness Happy Hour? I started listening to it in 2012 and just started getting really into it again.

Oh wow I just checked it out it looks great, I'm going to email him about appearing on the show as a guest!


Also, another thing that has been bothering me lately is I've been having some bad thoughts and feelings in regards to being pretty violently raped in 2013. I've only ever told my husband (I couldn't even bring myself to talk to a therapist about it, I just kind of bottle it up and forget it happened) and I wanted to tell this friend back in 2013 after it happened and was working myself up to it, but another one of her friends (who I barely know) was raped a few months later and she TOLD me without this friend's permission, and even worse, what she had to say about it was "I can't believe this stuff keeps happening to people I know, I feel like I'm in an after school special it sucks". Just made it all about herself. So yeah, needless to say, I didn't tell her lol. A mutual friend and I used to always talk about how she could be pretty self centered and how it was annoying, but this was just a whole other level.


So today, after I tagged @mentalpod in a tweet which she liked, she posted a big long FB status about this podcast SHE found called Mental Illness Happy Hour and how great it was. Not even a big deal but just after all of this, and the fact that I'm just in a terrible terrible place where I'm even snapping at people I have no problem with just because I can't handle anything, I just felt pure rage bubbling up inside of me. But, instead of saying anything, I just unfollowed her posts on FB, so I have that going for me lol.

Don't get me wrong, her good qualities are GREAT; she's hilarious, intelligent, beautiful and genuinely out there making a difference in the world (more than I can say about myself) and she DOES have a lot of shit on her plate mentally. But I think sometimes we have to distance ourselves from people even if we love them. I'm trying to tell myself that this is to take care of myself, not to hurt her in any way. And I honestly accept a good chunk of the blame because I shouldn't be pushing my own problems onto my friends. I just really want someone to talk to lol.

Just had to get this rant out somewhere, and where better than among like minded people? Do any of you have friends like this?

[wd82]

Yes. You are NOT alone. Your friend very well may be a well-meaning and beautiful person, but it doesn't seem like she is the right person for you to be around right now. Part of dealing with mental illness also involves (to my experience) in knowing who we feel safe around, and this does not sound like a safe person for you. Ideally we learn to love people for who they are, potential faults included, but you may need distance from this person in order to heal. I know this may sound further isolating as it is one less person to sound off on, but there are other options out there that may be better than what seems like (at least right now) a toxic relationship. Consider other free options like support groups for mental illness where you can meet other compassionate individuals that are going through similar struggles. Look up NAMI support groups online for groups in your area. Continue venting on here! I guarantee even if you don't get a reply immediately we are reading and many of us have gone through the same thing. I know with my anxiety and depression, I've had to cut people out of my life, friends and family alike. You are being listened to, please vent as you need.

[ovoce]

Thanks for your kind words I've briefly looked into support groups but until I find a one on one therapist it just sounds too overwhelming to me right now. I think I'm going to start bugging this one office that keeps saying they'll call me more until they actually set me up with someone, then look into groups. I'm just worried that if a group backfires and I have no fall back support it'll just be like game over I'm done lol

[wd82]

That sounds like a plan. I certainly couldn't make any decisions for you, but I guess it just takes a carefully weighing out whether it is worth having support on a conditional basis or if it is better to remove yourself from the situation. You seem very thoughtful and on the right path. This forum can at least be another means of support as well.